unoriginal blog part twenty.

i cant even pretend to be surprised.
this is my life, of course this just happened.
and it makes complete since that it happened on a thursday, and the first snow of the year.
i should have seen it coming.

theres some good things going on lately, but, my mind isn't on those.

last night brought two more poems out of me.
im thinking about posting them here. maybe.

i really wonder why i don't just put this in my notebook.
i really dont think anyone reads this.

i should have been far away by now.
i stayed for a reason no one else will ever understand.
and, despite everything, i think i made the right decision.
i don't regret it. and hopefully, im right in that.

not last nights, but from about a week ago.

History has a way of repeating itself
In forms unfamiliar to some
But everything I'm saying now
I've already said to someone
Every feeling I'm getting
Is all to similar
When I'm on the edge of forgetting
It all comes back to me somehow
I seem to make the same mistakes
And fall in the same places each time
I seem to feel the same heartaches
And lose my place in line.
Life is on replay
But the supporting roles will change
We're still using the same script
Everyone has the page.
If I could just live this
A little differently this time
Maybe things will be different,
Maybe then I'll write a new rhyme.

Its finally happening.
I can't believe this is actually going to happen.
I (should be) overjoyed.
I am a bit petrified.
I guess I didn't really expect this to work.



I want to be sharing this with you.

Right now though, I have a thought rolling,
and I'm just going to roll with it, and see where it takes me.



sometimes in life
you just open your eyes
and have to realize
youre alone

occasionally in a day
you just walk the other way
and ignore when people say
their own truths

but being alone doesnt mean lonely
if you dont let it fully sink in
and if by yourself you can make it
then why, girl, oh why would you change it

and then you see it
and you know you cant defeat it
and you just get sucked in more everyday
someday someone will smile
and your heart will race for miles
and youd beg them not to walk away

someday you will smile
and it wont be for them
someday being alone
will be where youve grown to
and youd forget the world every other way

but dont be so bitter
because in the dead of winter
that smile will take your pain away
girl, his eyes will make the fears melt away

i cant even find the words to explain it anymore.

how can one person have so much pull on your life.

i sometimes want to quit, just throw in the towel, but then the smallest thing makes me fall a little more.

im pathetic.

but its amazing what a good friend can do to help.

________________________________________________________
You were never what I had in mind;
But I ran to you,
With my heart open wide.
We may not have been right on time,
But I'll wait for you,
If you'll stay mine.
It's been a terrifying run,
As we knew it would be,
But, baby, we can have fun,
Just you and me.
Your eyes are all I need,
To save me from my fears,
And I'm not concerned with the speed,
Just ask me to wait for you.

sometimes things fall into place.
sometimes you have to force them there.


i am working more on my dreams.
i am applying for college.
i am working on my poetry.

i am not a quitter.

i would wait forever for you, please dont make me prove it.

unoriginal blog part nineteen.

i cant believe all that has changed.
i cant believe i am still on my feet after it all.
now the you that i write to is again, someone who never reads this.
but this time, its someone i am unwilling to give up on, and that kinda terrifies me.
what if i become that girl. the crazy one that wont let go.
but when i am with him, i feel so serene. so, right.
its when i am alone, and thinking, and remembering everything that has happened in these past few months that i freak out.

i lost someone two months ago that i can never get back.
and he has no idea how much joy he brought not only to me, but to everyone who met him.
after forty-four days here, he was taken.
barely over a month, and his passing is something i still cannot get over.
i have no idea how my sister is handling herself, how she carries on so well.
she is so strong. i admire her.

you would think that after two months, things would be calming down, and i would be getting a better grip on something, anything; but really it just leaves me feeling more lost the more i think about it all.
in one day my world got flipped over. everything changed, and nothing was making it better.
i do know that this is making me stronger, and the relationships i have with my family, and those close to my heart better, but whoever said time heals all wounds, there is a large part of me that wants to punch them in the nose.
i know it is getting 'easier' but it will never stop hurting.
some things will never heal.

some things should be remembered.

"so now we take a step back
look our lives in the face
put them back together
and say we'll meet back in this place

dont forget to turn around
every few steps you take
its what we need to carry on
and to stop the heartache"

unoriginal blog part eighteen.

i need a roommate.
and a place to live.
or, i need to live alone...which sounds kinda nice right about now.

i've been inspired off and on for the past few weeks,
my writing comes in spurts.

there is a lot i need to get off my chest,
but i dont want to say it.
saying it means facing it.

There was a point in my life where I thought I had it all figured out.
Everything was planned.
And now, I'm so far off of all of it, that I can barely remember them.
This was never where I was going to be. This was never what I was going to be doing.
Some days I feel so lost. Like, if I could just open my eyes, things may make sense. If I could just sit down, and figure out my life again.
But, there's no way I can do that anymore.
I mean, really. Here I am. Laying in bed with no idea what I'll be doing in a year, or where I'll be. I can't even tell you what's going on tomorrow.
Sometimes, I absolutely hate it. But then I realize that you can't plan your life. You have to live it.
Catch every curve ball. Dodge every drunk driver. Roll with the punches.
Because you can't plan for things like that. And some of the things that get thrown in, you'll wonder how you ever could live your life without them. They should have been the only plan, all along.


'Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.'


I never planned for you.

i really need you here
right now
because i feel like nothing
in a world that looks the other way
and i can feel my chest tightening
and i will never tell you

im not as strong as i say.
but i will never admit to your face that i need you,
when i actually do.

unoriginal blog part seventeen.

day by day the world makes a little more sense,
but confuses me even more.

i hate when you get that feeling in the pit of your stomach, when you know somethings about to crash.
but then nothing does.
i mean, its great that nothing happens, dont get me wrong.
but i hate that feeling.

ive been distancing myself from people that have hurt me, and have the potential of hurting me, in hopes of, well, not getting hurt as frequently.
but, its also keeping me from knowing.
knowing what is going on. and what will happen next.

man oh man, i hate her. i hate that shes consumed my every thought. she doesnt deserve to know me, or my family.
she doesnt deserve to be a part of us.
i really hate her.

but, i hate even more, that i pity her.

i need to get the motivation to go to the meetings with the admissions counselors, so, you know, i can actually get this ball rolling.

i also need someone i can trust, completely, to help me decide what parts are good enough to share with the world.
(haha. i sound insane)

my mom is graduating 'high school' in about the next month or so.
im so proud of her. its fantastic.
she is also in school currently to be a cna.
shes so inspirational.
since she got back on her feet, shes done everything she could for my family, and now that we're taking care of ourselves, shes taking care of herself.
following her dreams. and, shes so happy.
shes whats inspiring me to follow my dreams, and get the ball rolling with school, and the publishing, and everything.

im planning her a surprise graduation party, because she's too modest to celebrate it herself, and she deserves it.
if anyone deserves it, its her.

i want to make everyone smile.

unoriginal blog part sixteen.

have you ever gotten an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy? because, i have that.
and, i seem to have that a lot.
but, i really have no reason to be feeling this way.
things are going well in life, for the most part.

i just wish i knew how to fix the things that are going poorly.
i wish i knew how to make him smile again. no one deserves to be treated how he has been treated these past few years.
and, for as much as hes done for everyone, for how well he raised me, and my sister, and now my brothers, he deserves to be loved. unconditionally.
and, i have never seen him so unhappy.
hes trying to hide it, but if anyone can read through a fake smile, a false attitude someone is wearing, its me.
ive been doing it all my life. i cannot be fooled.

the sickest part, was when she was around my family this weekend, and everyone was ignoring her, and being cold towards her, i felt bad. after everything shes done to me, and my family, i felt bad.
damn heart.
turn black already.

you would think after years of abuse, and watching her ruin the one man that has always been there for me (i mean sure, there were times when my dad and i didnt get along, or talk for periods of time, but i was a teenage girl, not the easiest thing for a father to deal with.) i wouldnt care, at all, what happens to her. and, i really wish i could.

i wish i knew how to pick him up, and put him back together. i wish i knew what to say to my brothers, so they know that they are perfect, and nothing that happens is their fault, and that we will all love them, unconditionally.

but, at the ages of six and eight, i don't know how well they would grasp what i was saying.

beyond that, im doing well.
im going to college next year, should i be able to afford it.
i dont know where, i just know that i want to.

watch out world.
here i come.

unoriginal blog part fifteen.

people really need to realize that if they want me to hang out with them, they should meet up with me before i go home, because, once i'm home, i dont want to leave.

my birthday was enjoyable.
i spent the day hanging out with a great friend, and then dinner with even more friends, and a couple drinks.
it was a pretty relaxed, laid back thing. and exactly what i wanted.

i've decided to take a road trip.
we're going 'east'. thats the entire idea.
(thank god for my moms garmin)

there has been a lot of shit going on lately.
and i still dont know how to absorb it all. im doing the best i can.

also, i've been writing a lot more lately.
i love it.
i've been trying to be more open with it.
its not really working, but, its an attempt.

i wrote a poem for my roommates' wedding. they want me to read it at their wedding.
holy shit, i'm nervous.

im going to see RENT soon. i think this is the most excited i've been for something in entirely too long.

i want another job.
not like, i want to quit one of my other jobs.
and not because i need the money.
i just, want more variety in my life.

every day is exactly the same.
and, i know that after a few weeks, it would just become routine again.

i wish i were spontaneous.
i wish i knew how to really let loose, and just have fun.

i wish i was a twenty-two year old who knew how to act her age, and not her mothers age.

unoriginal blog part fourteen.

tomorrow is my birthday.
i feel like a child.

today has been full of ups and downs, and i am currently not sure where i stand.
and, i dont know how to find out.

unoriginal blog part thirteen.

i really do have the best friend in the entire world.
i was low yesterday.
i was so low.
i couldnt pick myself back up.
i hate that feeling, and so i tried something different this time
i talked about it.
explained what i was feeling, and some possible reasons i was feeling that way
got her input, and then just, hung out.
i feel a million times better today.
i slept almost completely through the night last night, for the first time in weeks.
and, i'm hungry. i am actually hungry.
she truly is amazing. i love her so much.


on a side note, i dont know what i have done lately, but i feel like my life is on repeat.
i feel like everything im doing, every thought im having, and every decision im making, i've made them all before.
and i dont remember the outcome being my favorite.

its like im getting a second chance, to do it better, to do it right.
but i dont remember how it all happened the first time, and i think that history is doomed to repeat itself.
and i really dont want that to happen.

also, for the past few days, i've actually felt attractive. and worthy. which, with how depressed i've been for the past few weeks, its strange.

unoriginal blog part twelve.

more fantastic news. :)
other pregnant sister is having a healthy little girl.
she already has a two year old son.
so, i will have two nephews, and a niece. :)
can life get any better?

to be quite frank, i'm horrified of what happens next.
everything is going so great.
i'm waiting for it all to explode.

but, i'm not going to dwell on that, and im instead going to embrace the beauty that is currently my life. :)
really. things are amazing.
and, its almost my birthday.

im really excited to have the next few days off.
man oh man do i need it.
i've worked my ass off this past week or so.
doubles some days. long days the rest.

and tomorrow, my biggest concern is telling my family excellent news.


delilah is meowing like the spoiled bitch she is.
i luff her.

there is a little trouble in paradise though. my roommates are kinda mad at each other, and i wish i could fix it.
i don't know how though.
i know it will work itself out, but, yeah.
i hate to see them unhappy, especially at each other.

my back and feet hurt, from working so much.
and, thats my biggest complaint.

also, i met someone a while back, and just started talking to him within the past couple of weeks.
so far, he's pretty amazing.
:)


also, i wrote a poem for my roommates' wedding this coming august.
they want me to read it at the ceremony.

i really need to get over my two biggest fears:
talking to a group of people i dont know
reading my own work out loud, and people knowing that i wrote it.

i need to have looots of practice before august in reading this poem.
i better get started!

unoriginal blog part eleven.

i cannot stop smiling.
i dont want to.
her baby is ok. hes going to be 'normal'.
she can rest easier. he can worry less.
and i get to welcome a healthy nephew into the world in a few months. :)

in other news, im still smiling.
life is going well.
work is good.
friends are good.
everything is good.

ive been writing a little again. im not writing constantly like before, but, i have inspiration.
i love letting the words just flow out of me. its so cleansing.

the only bad thing is, theres something i really need to say, and i cant figure out who i can say it to.
i need to figure this out. gah, i'm a fool.

beyond that, im happy.
and i love being able to say that.

unoriginal blog part ten.

thank you.
thank you for dropping me from your life, it showed me the value of the people around me.
thank you for treating me as nothing, now when someone shows me they care, it will be amazing.
thank you for not picking up your phone to call me.
it was one of the best, most eye opening experiences i've encountered.

i woke up this morning, with words pouring from my mind. i couldnt find a pen fast enough.
then while i was in the shower, more words. more thoughts. i had to scramble for a pen, and write on the toilet paper.
such inspiration is something i have never felt before.

and i need to thank you for leaving my life, so i could experience the joy and happiness i feel now, by not thinking of you.
you barely cross my mind these days.
and its fantastic.

my illusion of what i hoped you were/would be will be replaced by someone/something real.

and thank you, for helping me forget you.

quick

how pathetic is my life, that if im not griping about someone, or having an emotional breakdown, i feel there is nothing of value to write.

thats going to change.
not right now, because, i have to go to dinner.
but, when i get back, i will write about whatever tickles my fancy.

today

today i erased you.
i erased your messages.
i erased your face.
i erased your memories.

today i feel accomplished.

today i feel like i am ready for the rest of my life.
and today, i realized i want it to be without you.

unoriginal blog part nine.

i woke up this morning with a feeling of refreshment.

i spent the entire night dreaming of love, and affection.
and i realized none of the dreams included him.
i also realized i haven't almost called or emailed in weeks.

it hurts, a lot, but i believe i am getting past you.
i dont know why i address all of my blogs to you, when you don't even know they exist.

on the other side of the coin, who else would i address them to? who else would i pine over this long.
its sick. really. i feel i must be sick.
i haven't seen you since the summer of 2006.
its spring (almost) of 2009.
i havent spoken to you in two months.
and here i am, while you are off living your life, forgetting i exist.

at this point, i don't even ever want to be with you again.
who wants to be with someone that just throws them aside?
i guess i just want to hate you.
i want to really hate you. i want to not long for you.
i want to not wish you would call, just to talk.

there are better people in this world for me.
i know that.
i need to know that you know that, too.

unoriginal blog part eight.

this will be completely contradictory from my last blog, but, life does that to you sometimes, doesnt it?

i feel invisble. like i am floating through life, and everything in it.
i feel like i am here for no purpose, and with no motives.
and its sad to say, i feel when i leave, it will make no difference.
im not saying to absolutely everyone, i know my family, and close friends will be hurt, for a period of time. but, even they will get past it, and i will return to being the unknown. the invisible.

my older sister stayed overnight in the hospital about a week or two ago. i found out three days after she got out, by seeing it on her facebook.

really? thats what this has come to. i live 45 minutes away, you have my phone number, and you don't have the decency to let me know my own sister is in the hospital? wow. thanks.

i have lost all inspiration in my writing. i have become numb again.
and i cried over him again yesterday. i hadn't cried in over a week, and yesterday, i broke down, for the third day in a row.
im such a pathetic mess.



im going to a couple concerts, and RENT in april.
its also my birthday in a couple weeks.

i have no enthusiasm at this moment, and i dont know why.


i know i am tired of being around couples, and people in love. i cant stand it right now.
people kissing, and smiling, and holding each other.
really? i dont want to see that. and i think that makes me a bitter hag.

unoriginal blog part seven.

it truly is amazing to see the lives that you touch, just by doing your daily rituals.
i went to the funeral this morning of a truly amazing man.
he was so humble, and warm hearted, and to hear the stories of how he touched each individual in a different way was astounding.
throughout my life he has been many things to me.
a boss. a protector. a friend. a friendly face when id lost all hope in the world.
and to others he was a father. a husband. a son. a brother.


it shows me that by you waking up in the morning, you are impacting someones life, and that person will never forget you, for the one thing you did for them.
and that is what makes life truly worth living, isnt it?
if you arent living to better your life, and the lives of others around you, what do you have?


also, my sister just told me she is having a son. how perfect. :)

unoriginal blog part six.

i wish that i could look at you, and have the guts to say
'you dont care about me like i care about you. you dont even care enough to see if im alright, or alive. you dont matter to me. you are nothing to me, as i am to you'
fuck being in love with someone who doesnt care that im alive.

i am tired of crying. really. im done with it.
there is no one that can say anything bad about you, until this incident.
and, really, i need more than that.
i need to find a reason to hate you, beyond your inner turmoil.

you and this is all that invades my mind.
thats not healthy.
im not healthy.
i need to forget your name.

and more than that, i need to forget being in love.
and never do it again.

delilah is all i need.
i am all i need.

unoriginal blog part five.

its been almost a month, and its not getting any easier.
i cant listen to a song, or see someone without thinking about you.
this isnt healthy, and i cant seem to stop it.
crying every night isnt something im proud of
but it is also nothing i know how to stop.

i meet new people everyday, and maybe if i gave them the chance, they could be everything i wish you were, but i can't get over you, to give someone else the chance.

i dont want anyone else to be able to break me like you did.
i dont want to cry over anyone else.
i dont want to dream of their face, or their eyes, or their smile.
you make me melt, and i dont want to say that about anyone else.

every love song, or movie, or, anything really, just depresses me further.
i am jealous of the people that love someone, and that get loved back.

i wish i could say i am not going to write about you anymore, but i know that is untrue.

i wish i knew what you were thinking.

anyway, i got a cat.
her name is delilah.

i can't even think about anything else right now.
maybe another time.
maybe another life.

lost.

why wont you talk to me?


why cant i get over you not talking to me.

unoriginal blog part four.

its turning out more that every other blog is going along with the sequence of titles.
and the other ones are me just trying to get my thoughts out fast enough.

which rarely works.

yesterday, was not a good day, but after i got home from work i did a lot of thinking. a lot of me time, and a lot of crying.

it was a horribly marvelous day.

some people know this, some people dont, but i am looking into getting my poetry published.
i am going to spend sunday and monday critiquing my years worth of work, and find the ones i like the most. i will probably judge this mainly by the emotions they bring back in me, and the writing style.

i will put it together, in book form, along with some pictures i have taken, that inspire awe in me.

once i am finished with this, i will have the rough start to a book. from there i need to figure out how to go about getting a copyright, and getting published.

i am slightly overprotective of my poetry, so i will be using a pen name.

next step, think of a title.
i'm not going to lie, it will probably be woman vs world, which is actually taken from a line of a poem i wrote about two years ago.

i really dont know why i write this on the internet, and not just in a notebook, its for myslelf.
maybe part of me is hoping that something i write will help someone, let them know they arent alone.
maybe i just want someone to read it, and understand me. let me know im not alone.

i felt completely alone last night, and i was talking to my best friend about how hard it was for me not having everyone i care abouts support on my upcoming move, and she asked me why i cared, pointing out to me that it was completely uncharacteristic of me, and she was right. and i know she is. but i'm not looking for their validation, whether they want me to go or not, i'm going.
i am looking for someone to tell me they know i can do it.
someone to look me in the eyes and tell me how proud they are.
someone to be my crutch when i do need it, because no one can go through life completely alone.

after i told her this she told me how proud of me she was. and how she knows i will have no problem making, and keeping friends when i move, and how she knows i am strong enough to make it, and she knows i will not be moving back.
she told me how hard it was for her to say that, and that was why she doesnt say it.
just hearing her say it, i knew she meant it, and i knew why i loved her.
and i cried. oh man did i cry.

i think we all just need to hear it sometimes.
hear that someone has faith in us.
hear that someone would bet on us, because they believe in us.
hear that someone is proud of you.

im going to end this with a poem i wrote a few days ago.
enjoy.

urges do subside
or at least we try to hide
but there is nothing to take away
the pain we feel inside
crying only lasts so long
and only helps so much
they leave you worse than before
make me wonder what i met you for
you have yet to change my life
and you werent just for the pain
and some day it will go away
the urges will subside
and i'll stop trying to hide
and i will find something to take away
the pain i feel inside.

like it matters either way.

what the hell am i doing wrong now.
my best friend is mad at me
the man i want to be with refuses to speak to me
i cant keep crying everynight about this, but it seems i have no other option.
he doesnt talk to me. he wont acknowledge the fact that im alive.
i am moving to the same state as him, the city he works in, and i will probably never see him, or speak to him again.
as long as i live. and it wouldnt hurt so bad, had he not talked to me, and showed me that he still cared the day before he said goodbye.
i am moving. i cant stop crying about that either.
i am a hormonal ball of crap, and i hate it.
i want to smile, and mean it with everything i have, like i did when he said he wanted to see me.
i want to smile and be completely happy, but i cant figure out how to do that.
not when the two most important friends i have cant stand the sight of me, at the same time.
no one reads my blogs, so i could probably even make this one public.
i don't matter to anyone anymore, or at least thats how you all make me feel

i will pretend to miss some of you, and pretend not to miss others when i am gone, i will be a big fake
and none of you will know
because ive been doing it for years

unoriginal blog part three.

Two of the roommates are gone, and the living situation has become better, I believe for all 5 of us.

We are rewriting our lease in the next few days, and adding cats to it. :)

Some days I forget the biggest things in my life exist, and I fear that that makes me a horrible person.

I also believe I am the only 21 year old who would rather sit at home and write, then get drunk and/or have sex. It doesnt bother me, but at the same time it does.

I just don't know what the hell is going on in my own mind anymore.

"i will look at the floor and wonder what i came here for.
or i will stand tall, knowing that you're looking for me.
and we're looking for the door."

unoriginal blog part two.

Have you ever had one of those days where you could not get out of bed in the fear that you knew what was coming, and it wasn't going to be good?

Yeah, me too.

I need to find myself a better living situation. Something with less people, or at least where the people will get along better.
I am tired of living in my bedroom, so I dont have to see someone.
That is not why I pay rent. That is not what an adult should do in her own house.


The move is getting closer and closer.
Soon, it will consume my mind.

I have already found some prospective places.
:)



I am going to have to start looking at the beauty in the ugly.

im ready to start my life


and id like to do it with you.