unoriginal blog part fourteen.

tomorrow is my birthday.
i feel like a child.

today has been full of ups and downs, and i am currently not sure where i stand.
and, i dont know how to find out.

unoriginal blog part thirteen.

i really do have the best friend in the entire world.
i was low yesterday.
i was so low.
i couldnt pick myself back up.
i hate that feeling, and so i tried something different this time
i talked about it.
explained what i was feeling, and some possible reasons i was feeling that way
got her input, and then just, hung out.
i feel a million times better today.
i slept almost completely through the night last night, for the first time in weeks.
and, i'm hungry. i am actually hungry.
she truly is amazing. i love her so much.


on a side note, i dont know what i have done lately, but i feel like my life is on repeat.
i feel like everything im doing, every thought im having, and every decision im making, i've made them all before.
and i dont remember the outcome being my favorite.

its like im getting a second chance, to do it better, to do it right.
but i dont remember how it all happened the first time, and i think that history is doomed to repeat itself.
and i really dont want that to happen.

also, for the past few days, i've actually felt attractive. and worthy. which, with how depressed i've been for the past few weeks, its strange.

unoriginal blog part twelve.

more fantastic news. :)
other pregnant sister is having a healthy little girl.
she already has a two year old son.
so, i will have two nephews, and a niece. :)
can life get any better?

to be quite frank, i'm horrified of what happens next.
everything is going so great.
i'm waiting for it all to explode.

but, i'm not going to dwell on that, and im instead going to embrace the beauty that is currently my life. :)
really. things are amazing.
and, its almost my birthday.

im really excited to have the next few days off.
man oh man do i need it.
i've worked my ass off this past week or so.
doubles some days. long days the rest.

and tomorrow, my biggest concern is telling my family excellent news.


delilah is meowing like the spoiled bitch she is.
i luff her.

there is a little trouble in paradise though. my roommates are kinda mad at each other, and i wish i could fix it.
i don't know how though.
i know it will work itself out, but, yeah.
i hate to see them unhappy, especially at each other.

my back and feet hurt, from working so much.
and, thats my biggest complaint.

also, i met someone a while back, and just started talking to him within the past couple of weeks.
so far, he's pretty amazing.
:)


also, i wrote a poem for my roommates' wedding this coming august.
they want me to read it at the ceremony.

i really need to get over my two biggest fears:
talking to a group of people i dont know
reading my own work out loud, and people knowing that i wrote it.

i need to have looots of practice before august in reading this poem.
i better get started!

unoriginal blog part eleven.

i cannot stop smiling.
i dont want to.
her baby is ok. hes going to be 'normal'.
she can rest easier. he can worry less.
and i get to welcome a healthy nephew into the world in a few months. :)

in other news, im still smiling.
life is going well.
work is good.
friends are good.
everything is good.

ive been writing a little again. im not writing constantly like before, but, i have inspiration.
i love letting the words just flow out of me. its so cleansing.

the only bad thing is, theres something i really need to say, and i cant figure out who i can say it to.
i need to figure this out. gah, i'm a fool.

beyond that, im happy.
and i love being able to say that.

unoriginal blog part ten.

thank you.
thank you for dropping me from your life, it showed me the value of the people around me.
thank you for treating me as nothing, now when someone shows me they care, it will be amazing.
thank you for not picking up your phone to call me.
it was one of the best, most eye opening experiences i've encountered.

i woke up this morning, with words pouring from my mind. i couldnt find a pen fast enough.
then while i was in the shower, more words. more thoughts. i had to scramble for a pen, and write on the toilet paper.
such inspiration is something i have never felt before.

and i need to thank you for leaving my life, so i could experience the joy and happiness i feel now, by not thinking of you.
you barely cross my mind these days.
and its fantastic.

my illusion of what i hoped you were/would be will be replaced by someone/something real.

and thank you, for helping me forget you.

quick

how pathetic is my life, that if im not griping about someone, or having an emotional breakdown, i feel there is nothing of value to write.

thats going to change.
not right now, because, i have to go to dinner.
but, when i get back, i will write about whatever tickles my fancy.

today

today i erased you.
i erased your messages.
i erased your face.
i erased your memories.

today i feel accomplished.

today i feel like i am ready for the rest of my life.
and today, i realized i want it to be without you.

unoriginal blog part nine.

i woke up this morning with a feeling of refreshment.

i spent the entire night dreaming of love, and affection.
and i realized none of the dreams included him.
i also realized i haven't almost called or emailed in weeks.

it hurts, a lot, but i believe i am getting past you.
i dont know why i address all of my blogs to you, when you don't even know they exist.

on the other side of the coin, who else would i address them to? who else would i pine over this long.
its sick. really. i feel i must be sick.
i haven't seen you since the summer of 2006.
its spring (almost) of 2009.
i havent spoken to you in two months.
and here i am, while you are off living your life, forgetting i exist.

at this point, i don't even ever want to be with you again.
who wants to be with someone that just throws them aside?
i guess i just want to hate you.
i want to really hate you. i want to not long for you.
i want to not wish you would call, just to talk.

there are better people in this world for me.
i know that.
i need to know that you know that, too.

unoriginal blog part eight.

this will be completely contradictory from my last blog, but, life does that to you sometimes, doesnt it?

i feel invisble. like i am floating through life, and everything in it.
i feel like i am here for no purpose, and with no motives.
and its sad to say, i feel when i leave, it will make no difference.
im not saying to absolutely everyone, i know my family, and close friends will be hurt, for a period of time. but, even they will get past it, and i will return to being the unknown. the invisible.

my older sister stayed overnight in the hospital about a week or two ago. i found out three days after she got out, by seeing it on her facebook.

really? thats what this has come to. i live 45 minutes away, you have my phone number, and you don't have the decency to let me know my own sister is in the hospital? wow. thanks.

i have lost all inspiration in my writing. i have become numb again.
and i cried over him again yesterday. i hadn't cried in over a week, and yesterday, i broke down, for the third day in a row.
im such a pathetic mess.



im going to a couple concerts, and RENT in april.
its also my birthday in a couple weeks.

i have no enthusiasm at this moment, and i dont know why.


i know i am tired of being around couples, and people in love. i cant stand it right now.
people kissing, and smiling, and holding each other.
really? i dont want to see that. and i think that makes me a bitter hag.