unoriginal blog part sixteen.

have you ever gotten an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy? because, i have that.
and, i seem to have that a lot.
but, i really have no reason to be feeling this way.
things are going well in life, for the most part.

i just wish i knew how to fix the things that are going poorly.
i wish i knew how to make him smile again. no one deserves to be treated how he has been treated these past few years.
and, for as much as hes done for everyone, for how well he raised me, and my sister, and now my brothers, he deserves to be loved. unconditionally.
and, i have never seen him so unhappy.
hes trying to hide it, but if anyone can read through a fake smile, a false attitude someone is wearing, its me.
ive been doing it all my life. i cannot be fooled.

the sickest part, was when she was around my family this weekend, and everyone was ignoring her, and being cold towards her, i felt bad. after everything shes done to me, and my family, i felt bad.
damn heart.
turn black already.

you would think after years of abuse, and watching her ruin the one man that has always been there for me (i mean sure, there were times when my dad and i didnt get along, or talk for periods of time, but i was a teenage girl, not the easiest thing for a father to deal with.) i wouldnt care, at all, what happens to her. and, i really wish i could.

i wish i knew how to pick him up, and put him back together. i wish i knew what to say to my brothers, so they know that they are perfect, and nothing that happens is their fault, and that we will all love them, unconditionally.

but, at the ages of six and eight, i don't know how well they would grasp what i was saying.

beyond that, im doing well.
im going to college next year, should i be able to afford it.
i dont know where, i just know that i want to.

watch out world.
here i come.