i really need you here
right now
because i feel like nothing
in a world that looks the other way
and i can feel my chest tightening
and i will never tell you

im not as strong as i say.
but i will never admit to your face that i need you,
when i actually do.

unoriginal blog part seventeen.

day by day the world makes a little more sense,
but confuses me even more.

i hate when you get that feeling in the pit of your stomach, when you know somethings about to crash.
but then nothing does.
i mean, its great that nothing happens, dont get me wrong.
but i hate that feeling.

ive been distancing myself from people that have hurt me, and have the potential of hurting me, in hopes of, well, not getting hurt as frequently.
but, its also keeping me from knowing.
knowing what is going on. and what will happen next.

man oh man, i hate her. i hate that shes consumed my every thought. she doesnt deserve to know me, or my family.
she doesnt deserve to be a part of us.
i really hate her.

but, i hate even more, that i pity her.

i need to get the motivation to go to the meetings with the admissions counselors, so, you know, i can actually get this ball rolling.

i also need someone i can trust, completely, to help me decide what parts are good enough to share with the world.
(haha. i sound insane)

my mom is graduating 'high school' in about the next month or so.
im so proud of her. its fantastic.
she is also in school currently to be a cna.
shes so inspirational.
since she got back on her feet, shes done everything she could for my family, and now that we're taking care of ourselves, shes taking care of herself.
following her dreams. and, shes so happy.
shes whats inspiring me to follow my dreams, and get the ball rolling with school, and the publishing, and everything.

im planning her a surprise graduation party, because she's too modest to celebrate it herself, and she deserves it.
if anyone deserves it, its her.

i want to make everyone smile.

unoriginal blog part sixteen.

have you ever gotten an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy? because, i have that.
and, i seem to have that a lot.
but, i really have no reason to be feeling this way.
things are going well in life, for the most part.

i just wish i knew how to fix the things that are going poorly.
i wish i knew how to make him smile again. no one deserves to be treated how he has been treated these past few years.
and, for as much as hes done for everyone, for how well he raised me, and my sister, and now my brothers, he deserves to be loved. unconditionally.
and, i have never seen him so unhappy.
hes trying to hide it, but if anyone can read through a fake smile, a false attitude someone is wearing, its me.
ive been doing it all my life. i cannot be fooled.

the sickest part, was when she was around my family this weekend, and everyone was ignoring her, and being cold towards her, i felt bad. after everything shes done to me, and my family, i felt bad.
damn heart.
turn black already.

you would think after years of abuse, and watching her ruin the one man that has always been there for me (i mean sure, there were times when my dad and i didnt get along, or talk for periods of time, but i was a teenage girl, not the easiest thing for a father to deal with.) i wouldnt care, at all, what happens to her. and, i really wish i could.

i wish i knew how to pick him up, and put him back together. i wish i knew what to say to my brothers, so they know that they are perfect, and nothing that happens is their fault, and that we will all love them, unconditionally.

but, at the ages of six and eight, i don't know how well they would grasp what i was saying.

beyond that, im doing well.
im going to college next year, should i be able to afford it.
i dont know where, i just know that i want to.

watch out world.
here i come.

unoriginal blog part fifteen.

people really need to realize that if they want me to hang out with them, they should meet up with me before i go home, because, once i'm home, i dont want to leave.

my birthday was enjoyable.
i spent the day hanging out with a great friend, and then dinner with even more friends, and a couple drinks.
it was a pretty relaxed, laid back thing. and exactly what i wanted.

i've decided to take a road trip.
we're going 'east'. thats the entire idea.
(thank god for my moms garmin)

there has been a lot of shit going on lately.
and i still dont know how to absorb it all. im doing the best i can.

also, i've been writing a lot more lately.
i love it.
i've been trying to be more open with it.
its not really working, but, its an attempt.

i wrote a poem for my roommates' wedding. they want me to read it at their wedding.
holy shit, i'm nervous.

im going to see RENT soon. i think this is the most excited i've been for something in entirely too long.

i want another job.
not like, i want to quit one of my other jobs.
and not because i need the money.
i just, want more variety in my life.

every day is exactly the same.
and, i know that after a few weeks, it would just become routine again.

i wish i were spontaneous.
i wish i knew how to really let loose, and just have fun.

i wish i was a twenty-two year old who knew how to act her age, and not her mothers age.