Sometimes your heart makes you do things you don't think you're capable of, or even things you don't think are right.
But that doesn't stop your heart.
It doesn't care.
Its your heart.
It will do what it damn well pleases.
Don't be the fool to stand in its way.
My heart has turned me into a fool entirely too many times.
It has made me do some foolish things, it has made me overreact, and it has made me walk away.
Sometimes my heart is just screaming at me (in a good way) and I can hear it so loud, that every other sound is faint, at best.
It always surprises me that no one else can hear it at these times.
Its the look in your eyes when you look at me. The touch of your hand on my skin. The smell of your hair in the morning. Each of those things make my heart race, and jump, and kick, and scream; letting me know its there, and its pleased.
I can't help but fall in love with you a little more every time I see you.
No matter the obstacle I face, or the weight on my shoulders, or the sadness I am feeling, you turn that all around. You are there holding me while I cry, making me smile again, and showing me that it will all be okay.
I've been crocheting more again, and I really hope it turns out.
I've also had the chance to cook a little more, and I've really enjoyed it.
I know I spend probably too much time with you, and I know it has to get annoying me asking you every day, and I really do like having time to myself, or with my other friends, and I know you feel the same, and I can explain why I do it:
Its easier for me to sleep with you, and I prefer to.
If I knew I got to sleep next to you after each day, regardless of who I was hanging out with that night, I'd, obviously, not ask anymore.
I guess what I'm getting at is, there is something I want you to consider, and its a long way off, but I'm going to plant the idea now anyway.
When you all are moving out of that house, be it in a year, or two, or however long you guys all want to stay there, I want you to consider me for your next roommate.
I'm glad you're the only one that reads this. I probably just look like a freak.
I'm also very much looking forward to starting my new job.
Although, I am extremely nervous. I have to meet all new coworkers, and bosses, and I'm not so good with people. I wish it was easier for me to talk to people, and get to know them.
I think I have an idea of at least a poem or two that I may actually feel confident enough to submit to the contest, but I am still unsure.
And every passing day when I don't do it, is a day closer to never doing it.
I hate that I have such big dreams, and hopes, but not enough self confidence to do anything about it.
That's a thing I need to work on, I just don't know how.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Maybe I shouldn't have told you.
But wouldn't hiding it have been as bad as lying?
You didn't look at me the same after.
When I see you again, I hope that's different.
I'm going to say a few things that I want.
You'll probably never bring them up to me, but at least you'll know.
One day I want a house, with at least one dog, and you.
I want for you to one day consider again what you asked me in the beginning.
To stay with you, for it to be you and me against the world.
You're the only person I ever want to wake up next to.
Someday, I may ask you to stay with me, and I want you to consider saying yes.
(Stay is the term I am deciding to use today, as opposed to the real word, because I think I've scared you enough for one day.)
I am glad we were able to talk today about what we both would have expected had today turned out differently.
But, since this is the holiday season, you should know I am thankful for you.
Because even though you looked at me different, your eyes didn't change.
And when you kissed me, that hadn't changed.
I understand I scared you, and that will take a bit to process, but I believe we're going to be just fine.
I believe there is nothing standing in our way of staying happy, for the long run.
I want to cook more.
And read more.
And crochet more.
So I think I will.
But wouldn't hiding it have been as bad as lying?
You didn't look at me the same after.
When I see you again, I hope that's different.
I'm going to say a few things that I want.
You'll probably never bring them up to me, but at least you'll know.
One day I want a house, with at least one dog, and you.
I want for you to one day consider again what you asked me in the beginning.
To stay with you, for it to be you and me against the world.
You're the only person I ever want to wake up next to.
Someday, I may ask you to stay with me, and I want you to consider saying yes.
(Stay is the term I am deciding to use today, as opposed to the real word, because I think I've scared you enough for one day.)
I am glad we were able to talk today about what we both would have expected had today turned out differently.
But, since this is the holiday season, you should know I am thankful for you.
Because even though you looked at me different, your eyes didn't change.
And when you kissed me, that hadn't changed.
I understand I scared you, and that will take a bit to process, but I believe we're going to be just fine.
I believe there is nothing standing in our way of staying happy, for the long run.
I want to cook more.
And read more.
And crochet more.
So I think I will.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Why do things that don't actually matter matter?
Why can't I just leave it how it is, and not question it.
There is not a single thing I would change about it, but I still want to ask why its how it is, why I'm where I am, and what it all means to the other party involved.
But, for fear of these questions tainting what I do have, I'll just ignore it, and stay focused on how great it all is.
No use in bringing up something that may change everything for the worse, right?
But what if it didn't? What if it made it better because then it would just be known?
How bold am I feeling?
(Apparently not very.)
You say the most amazing things to me.
The brush of your hand against my back will always make me melt.
I am retardedly in love with you, and I don't care to hide it.
I am your biggest fan.
(I hope you're always by my side.)
Yesterday you asked me how I ever lived without you, and although I know you meant it in a joking context because of the rest of the conversation, the truest answer is this:
I didn't know what I was living without. Had I ever gotten a glimpse of this level of happiness a person can bring to my life, and this amount of love I can feel, and this amount of security, and understanding, life until you would have been much more difficult.
Aside from all that, it's "The Holidays".
Gross.
I like food, don't get me wrong, so Thanksgiving isn't the worst, but I still don't really like it.
And I just dislike Christmas. Hands down, not for me.
It'll all be over soon enough.
And then it will be next year, and then I'll start school.
I want more tattoos.
Why can't I just leave it how it is, and not question it.
There is not a single thing I would change about it, but I still want to ask why its how it is, why I'm where I am, and what it all means to the other party involved.
But, for fear of these questions tainting what I do have, I'll just ignore it, and stay focused on how great it all is.
No use in bringing up something that may change everything for the worse, right?
But what if it didn't? What if it made it better because then it would just be known?
How bold am I feeling?
(Apparently not very.)
You say the most amazing things to me.
The brush of your hand against my back will always make me melt.
I am retardedly in love with you, and I don't care to hide it.
I am your biggest fan.
(I hope you're always by my side.)
Yesterday you asked me how I ever lived without you, and although I know you meant it in a joking context because of the rest of the conversation, the truest answer is this:
I didn't know what I was living without. Had I ever gotten a glimpse of this level of happiness a person can bring to my life, and this amount of love I can feel, and this amount of security, and understanding, life until you would have been much more difficult.
Aside from all that, it's "The Holidays".
Gross.
I like food, don't get me wrong, so Thanksgiving isn't the worst, but I still don't really like it.
And I just dislike Christmas. Hands down, not for me.
It'll all be over soon enough.
And then it will be next year, and then I'll start school.
I want more tattoos.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
She's okay.
Happy Birthday everyone, she's absolutely okay!
Hormone therapy is mountains better than chemo therapy.
:)
I really need to take these placement tests.
I really want to get on track, and get my life on track.
Also, I want a new job.
I'm happy though.
I don't know everything, I don't know exactly where I am, or what comes next, but I'm happy.
I received one of the best compliments of my life recently.
I was told that talking to me always puts them in a better mood, because I helped them remember the perspective of things.
I helped them realize that the little problems are just that, little things.
There is so much better in life, and so many great things.
How great is that?
I hope I can do that for more than just one person. I wish I could do that for everyone.
I was also told recently that someone felt safe saying something to me, because its me.
I really liked that, too.
I found a poetry contest online recently for writersdigest.com, and I think I figured out why I never follow through with anything for my writing; I'm afraid I'm not as good as I hope I am. I don't want to try and fail. This is the safer, less intimidating way out.
The other woman in my life I should really be keeping my eye on, or at least talking to more was recently moved to a different nursing home much, much closer to me. I have no reason as to why I haven't gone to see her, other than I don't want to go alone.
I also don't want to wait too long.
(I still want you to meet her.)
I should probably feel weird talking about you, since I know you read it, but whatever. You know what I write here, and read it anyway.
You're pretty nifty.
I have never felt better than I do when I'm with you.
I love waking up to you, and falling asleep with you.
When the rest of the world was falling apart, you were stronger than I was, and when everything is great, you're even better.
I can't imagine you not being around.
Thank you, for everything.
I fall in love with you a little more every day, and it feels amazing.
As terrifying as it is, I couldn't ask for anything better.
You make me happier than I've ever been before.
Happy Birthday everyone, she's absolutely okay!
Hormone therapy is mountains better than chemo therapy.
:)
I really need to take these placement tests.
I really want to get on track, and get my life on track.
Also, I want a new job.
I'm happy though.
I don't know everything, I don't know exactly where I am, or what comes next, but I'm happy.
I received one of the best compliments of my life recently.
I was told that talking to me always puts them in a better mood, because I helped them remember the perspective of things.
I helped them realize that the little problems are just that, little things.
There is so much better in life, and so many great things.
How great is that?
I hope I can do that for more than just one person. I wish I could do that for everyone.
I was also told recently that someone felt safe saying something to me, because its me.
I really liked that, too.
I found a poetry contest online recently for writersdigest.com, and I think I figured out why I never follow through with anything for my writing; I'm afraid I'm not as good as I hope I am. I don't want to try and fail. This is the safer, less intimidating way out.
The other woman in my life I should really be keeping my eye on, or at least talking to more was recently moved to a different nursing home much, much closer to me. I have no reason as to why I haven't gone to see her, other than I don't want to go alone.
I also don't want to wait too long.
(I still want you to meet her.)
I should probably feel weird talking about you, since I know you read it, but whatever. You know what I write here, and read it anyway.
You're pretty nifty.
I have never felt better than I do when I'm with you.
I love waking up to you, and falling asleep with you.
When the rest of the world was falling apart, you were stronger than I was, and when everything is great, you're even better.
I can't imagine you not being around.
Thank you, for everything.
I fall in love with you a little more every day, and it feels amazing.
As terrifying as it is, I couldn't ask for anything better.
You make me happier than I've ever been before.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
I just keep losing myself in my own mind.
I have a horrible imagination, that always leads my thoughts down the worst possible path.
I keep trying to tell myself everything will be alright.
Everything is going to be fine.
That this isn't something I should be afraid of.
That she's stronger than I am.
But I'm terrified.
And I'm too afraid to talk about it, although I really want to talk about it.
I'm pulling myself in the wrong direction.
I'm beating myself up over everything.
I hate this.
I don't like this version of myself.
You make everything a little bit better.
You help me forget the horrible things in the world, and you help slow my mind.
I'd be even more lost if I were alone.
I got lost in the current
The tide is pulling me down
And when I reach for your hand
I realize you're not around
I'm being pulled downstream
I can do nothing but scream
On my way out to sea
Can you hear me?
Or am I the only one
That's here to rescue me?
I don't like that.
I have a horrible imagination, that always leads my thoughts down the worst possible path.
I keep trying to tell myself everything will be alright.
Everything is going to be fine.
That this isn't something I should be afraid of.
That she's stronger than I am.
But I'm terrified.
And I'm too afraid to talk about it, although I really want to talk about it.
I'm pulling myself in the wrong direction.
I'm beating myself up over everything.
I hate this.
I don't like this version of myself.
You make everything a little bit better.
You help me forget the horrible things in the world, and you help slow my mind.
I'd be even more lost if I were alone.
I got lost in the current
The tide is pulling me down
And when I reach for your hand
I realize you're not around
I'm being pulled downstream
I can do nothing but scream
On my way out to sea
Can you hear me?
Or am I the only one
That's here to rescue me?
I don't like that.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Its been a while.
So much has changed, yet everything is exactly the same.
I got another job.
I have also realized that whenever life becomes too much for me to handle, or things are happening that I can't control, and don't want to deal with, I dive head first into anything that can make me escape my own reality.
Point and case: work.
No one needs three jobs.
No one needs to work all day, every day.
People need people to care about, and to care about them.
A job will never fulfill me, but it can occupy my mind so I don't have to think about life.
I can't bear to think about how my life would be without the option of seeing her.
So, instead of going to see her at what could be some of my last opportunities, I got another job.
Thus, giving me a 'valid' excuse to the rest of the family as to why I'm not driving just over an hour to go see her.
I can't do it alone, but I don't want to burden someone else with having to hold my hand through it.
What if she doesn't remember me soon?
What if I walk in to her room, and she looks confused?
What if I never get the chance to walk into a room and see her again?
Why am I so petrified of this?
She is supposed to be invincible, not fragile.
She is supposed to see me get married, and have children; if I ever decide to do those things with my life.
And even if I don't, she's supposed to see me decide not to.
She's supposed to meet the man I love, and give me her approval.
She's supposed to see the owl.
What if I wait too long?
I don't want to think about this, but I can't think about anything else.
I can find something to remind me of her in everything I see, and its devastating.
Each and every time.
This wasn't what I had in mind when I started writing tonight.
I was actually feeling okay until I started this.
Since I haven't posted anything in a while, although at this point I'm 99% sure that I'm the only one that remembers I even have this blog, I'll post a poem I wrote recently.
I am my own worst enemy
I just do this to myself
And when the future comes for me
I can only blame myself
I try to give the best advice
But I never heed it myself
So when the world looks past me
I can only blame myself
When I feel alone inside
I only turn to myself
So when I'm alone when I need you most
I can only blame myself
If I can't find the words to say
I don't want to be by myself
And when no one comes to rescue me
I can only blame myself
If I feel like I need rescuing
And I can't do it for myself
If I can't find the courage alone
I can only blame myself
And when you stop loving me
And say 'I need time for myself'
When I've pushed away everything
I can only blame myself
So much has changed, yet everything is exactly the same.
I got another job.
I have also realized that whenever life becomes too much for me to handle, or things are happening that I can't control, and don't want to deal with, I dive head first into anything that can make me escape my own reality.
Point and case: work.
No one needs three jobs.
No one needs to work all day, every day.
People need people to care about, and to care about them.
A job will never fulfill me, but it can occupy my mind so I don't have to think about life.
I can't bear to think about how my life would be without the option of seeing her.
So, instead of going to see her at what could be some of my last opportunities, I got another job.
Thus, giving me a 'valid' excuse to the rest of the family as to why I'm not driving just over an hour to go see her.
I can't do it alone, but I don't want to burden someone else with having to hold my hand through it.
What if she doesn't remember me soon?
What if I walk in to her room, and she looks confused?
What if I never get the chance to walk into a room and see her again?
Why am I so petrified of this?
She is supposed to be invincible, not fragile.
She is supposed to see me get married, and have children; if I ever decide to do those things with my life.
And even if I don't, she's supposed to see me decide not to.
She's supposed to meet the man I love, and give me her approval.
She's supposed to see the owl.
What if I wait too long?
I don't want to think about this, but I can't think about anything else.
I can find something to remind me of her in everything I see, and its devastating.
Each and every time.
This wasn't what I had in mind when I started writing tonight.
I was actually feeling okay until I started this.
Since I haven't posted anything in a while, although at this point I'm 99% sure that I'm the only one that remembers I even have this blog, I'll post a poem I wrote recently.
I am my own worst enemy
I just do this to myself
And when the future comes for me
I can only blame myself
I try to give the best advice
But I never heed it myself
So when the world looks past me
I can only blame myself
When I feel alone inside
I only turn to myself
So when I'm alone when I need you most
I can only blame myself
If I can't find the words to say
I don't want to be by myself
And when no one comes to rescue me
I can only blame myself
If I feel like I need rescuing
And I can't do it for myself
If I can't find the courage alone
I can only blame myself
And when you stop loving me
And say 'I need time for myself'
When I've pushed away everything
I can only blame myself
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with my life.
I wonder if I'm making the right decisions, if I'm off the proper path, if I'm failing.
I'm 23. Not married. No kids. No prospects for either of those happening in the near future, and not minding.
I work dead end jobs.
I drive a beater.
I pay rent somewhere that doesn't even feel like home, and spend all my time somewhere else. (That does feel like home.)
Then I think to how happy I am. I realize that smiles and love is worth more than a dollar, and I feel like maybe I'm going to be alright.
Maybe I am on the proper path for myself, and although it may not be the path everyone believes I should take, I don't mind.
When I wake up, I see a reason to smile.
When I fall, I know I have someone there to catch me.
I may not be able to buy nice things, but I don't need nice things to be happy.
I'm starting school soon enough, and although I may be years behind most people my age, I feel I've chosen something that will make me happier in the long run, and don't regret it.
Its been, in a large part, a thanks to the people who raised me, and shown me that even if its not like everything else, it can still be beautiful.
Even if its not where you're 'supposed to be', it can still be where you're meant to be.
"Oh as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive."
I wonder if I'm making the right decisions, if I'm off the proper path, if I'm failing.
I'm 23. Not married. No kids. No prospects for either of those happening in the near future, and not minding.
I work dead end jobs.
I drive a beater.
I pay rent somewhere that doesn't even feel like home, and spend all my time somewhere else. (That does feel like home.)
Then I think to how happy I am. I realize that smiles and love is worth more than a dollar, and I feel like maybe I'm going to be alright.
Maybe I am on the proper path for myself, and although it may not be the path everyone believes I should take, I don't mind.
When I wake up, I see a reason to smile.
When I fall, I know I have someone there to catch me.
I may not be able to buy nice things, but I don't need nice things to be happy.
I'm starting school soon enough, and although I may be years behind most people my age, I feel I've chosen something that will make me happier in the long run, and don't regret it.
Its been, in a large part, a thanks to the people who raised me, and shown me that even if its not like everything else, it can still be beautiful.
Even if its not where you're 'supposed to be', it can still be where you're meant to be.
"Oh as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive."
Sunday, July 11, 2010
I hate to admit it, but you terrify me.
More than anyone or anything ever has before.
Every day I'm afraid it's all just going to disappear.
I don't want to worry about what happens next, I want to live in the now, but every time I do, the possibility of the future puts me back in my place.
Lately everything has been amazing, and I am afraid of that changing.
I feel I can really only blame myself; if this is what it takes to love you, then I will continue on.
Hearing you say "I love you" still gives me this feeling deep inside of me that I'd never felt before I met you.
It's scary to think how one person can have such an effect on your life.
Even after all the time I've spent with you, I'm not used to it.
(I hope I never get used to it.)
In things unrelated to my heart:
My roommates are dropping like flies.
Two of the original four that signed the lease have since backed out, we did find replacements, so no harm there.
I also am thinking about looking for a job closer to home.
Although I really enjoy what I do, I could find something else that I like closer, and then I wouldn't have to drive.
I don't really like driving.
I like it an exponential amount more than I used to, but I'd still rather avoid it if I can.
As I was driving home from work today, I took a few minutes to seriously consider the path that my life is taking, and I've decided that I am now, and have for a while been happier than I ever have before in my life.
I'm not going to say its thanks to you, or my job, or anything else.
Its because of how everything is working.
I also decided I think I'm going to give up on that whole book idea.
Realistically, I will never think I'm good enough, and I don't need to see myself fail more to know that.
School is still a thing I really want to happen.
I am so afraid that its not going to work out, and I'm going to be stuck in sales jobs for the rest of my life.
I hate sales.
I want to teach.
I don't want to be afraid anymore.
More than anyone or anything ever has before.
Every day I'm afraid it's all just going to disappear.
I don't want to worry about what happens next, I want to live in the now, but every time I do, the possibility of the future puts me back in my place.
Lately everything has been amazing, and I am afraid of that changing.
I feel I can really only blame myself; if this is what it takes to love you, then I will continue on.
Hearing you say "I love you" still gives me this feeling deep inside of me that I'd never felt before I met you.
It's scary to think how one person can have such an effect on your life.
Even after all the time I've spent with you, I'm not used to it.
(I hope I never get used to it.)
In things unrelated to my heart:
My roommates are dropping like flies.
Two of the original four that signed the lease have since backed out, we did find replacements, so no harm there.
I also am thinking about looking for a job closer to home.
Although I really enjoy what I do, I could find something else that I like closer, and then I wouldn't have to drive.
I don't really like driving.
I like it an exponential amount more than I used to, but I'd still rather avoid it if I can.
As I was driving home from work today, I took a few minutes to seriously consider the path that my life is taking, and I've decided that I am now, and have for a while been happier than I ever have before in my life.
I'm not going to say its thanks to you, or my job, or anything else.
Its because of how everything is working.
I also decided I think I'm going to give up on that whole book idea.
Realistically, I will never think I'm good enough, and I don't need to see myself fail more to know that.
School is still a thing I really want to happen.
I am so afraid that its not going to work out, and I'm going to be stuck in sales jobs for the rest of my life.
I hate sales.
I want to teach.
I don't want to be afraid anymore.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
I have so much already written up that I needed to get out, but its all just saved in my phone, and no one else will see it, because I believe you're the only person that reads this, and its all about you.
I already feel like the insane, creepy, clingy girl.
How are you handling this so well? I won't lie, it hurts. Seeing you act like everything is fine when I feel like the world is crumbling around me, it just hurts.
Talk to me about it. I'm feeling what you're feeling, and I don't have anyone I can talk to anymore.
You are my best friend, and I can't lose you.
For the first time in my life, I wish I could redo something.
I wish I could redo the last week and a half. No pressure. No asking about it. Maybe things would have been different.
I can't sleep.
If I tell anyone about it, it becomes real.
This is the last thing you need to see.
I'm sorry.
Since I met you, everyone else pales in comparison. No one gets me like you do. No one else makes me feel as good as you can.
But, I guess I'm supposed to just put that all behind me, and pretend everything is okay.
Please stick around.
I already feel like the insane, creepy, clingy girl.
How are you handling this so well? I won't lie, it hurts. Seeing you act like everything is fine when I feel like the world is crumbling around me, it just hurts.
Talk to me about it. I'm feeling what you're feeling, and I don't have anyone I can talk to anymore.
You are my best friend, and I can't lose you.
For the first time in my life, I wish I could redo something.
I wish I could redo the last week and a half. No pressure. No asking about it. Maybe things would have been different.
I can't sleep.
If I tell anyone about it, it becomes real.
This is the last thing you need to see.
I'm sorry.
Since I met you, everyone else pales in comparison. No one gets me like you do. No one else makes me feel as good as you can.
But, I guess I'm supposed to just put that all behind me, and pretend everything is okay.
Please stick around.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Sometimes I feel completely overwhelmed by everything; like one more step and the world would just swallow me whole.
And then you flash a quick smile, or just give me that look that I always see in your eyes, or you just reach out and touch me, and I can feel myself regaining control.
I'm so happy I'm with you.
Today is a very hard day for my family, and in late July it will all be rehashed again, but its not like there's a day that goes by where we don't all remember him.
No poem this time.
And then you flash a quick smile, or just give me that look that I always see in your eyes, or you just reach out and touch me, and I can feel myself regaining control.
I'm so happy I'm with you.
Today is a very hard day for my family, and in late July it will all be rehashed again, but its not like there's a day that goes by where we don't all remember him.
No poem this time.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
"If I'm crazy, then its true. And its all because of you; but you wouldn't want me any other way."
Oh, Billy Joel, you really do know everything.
I'm happy.
I'm not sure what's going on, I'm not sure where I stand, but I'm hopeful, and I'm happy.
I have written a few more. Here's one.
Insecure and obsolete
The heart of a child
And a mind just as weak
Can't face herself in the mirror
Without a kiss from you
Even she finds herself to be a stranger
Too much riding on that call
Just to hear your voice
And catch her fall
Out of place and without haste
To find something different
She's alone until she sees your face
But wishes for independence
She used to be so proud and pure
So elegant and free
Now she lives for someone else
And wishes just to be
Stepping back and carrying on
She found herself again
Lost herself inside your eyes
But can still follow her plan
Head held high and steps so sure
She's found herself again
Love is her only cure
And she smiles all she can
Oh, Billy Joel, you really do know everything.
I'm happy.
I'm not sure what's going on, I'm not sure where I stand, but I'm hopeful, and I'm happy.
I have written a few more. Here's one.
Insecure and obsolete
The heart of a child
And a mind just as weak
Can't face herself in the mirror
Without a kiss from you
Even she finds herself to be a stranger
Too much riding on that call
Just to hear your voice
And catch her fall
Out of place and without haste
To find something different
She's alone until she sees your face
But wishes for independence
She used to be so proud and pure
So elegant and free
Now she lives for someone else
And wishes just to be
Stepping back and carrying on
She found herself again
Lost herself inside your eyes
But can still follow her plan
Head held high and steps so sure
She's found herself again
Love is her only cure
And she smiles all she can
Sunday, May 23, 2010
I am great at being an idiot, and just making myself look completely insane, and as insecure as I feel.
I thought by 23 that would have changed, but its only gotten worse.
I'm not exactly sure why I do some of the things I do. I couldn't tell you what drives me to do them, but as I'm doing them, it seems like a good idea.
I just hope my crazy isn't too much.
I really need some self confidence.
But every time I have even the smallest amount, it gets shattered.
I want you to say to me things that you used to. I don't know why you have so much influence over how I feel.
I wish I had more to say except damn my insecurities.
I just want to feel worthy.
I thought by 23 that would have changed, but its only gotten worse.
I'm not exactly sure why I do some of the things I do. I couldn't tell you what drives me to do them, but as I'm doing them, it seems like a good idea.
I just hope my crazy isn't too much.
I really need some self confidence.
But every time I have even the smallest amount, it gets shattered.
I want you to say to me things that you used to. I don't know why you have so much influence over how I feel.
I wish I had more to say except damn my insecurities.
I just want to feel worthy.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
my eyes cant look at you any other way
I hate to say
What you've turned me into;
I hate even more
Blaming you.
Because of your eyes,
I have weakened.
Due to your laugh,
I am less crass.
It wouldn't be a stretch to admit
That I was softened by your kiss;
But that's not to say
I was ever hard in the start.
The vulnerability that you have caused me
Is something I'm still afraid to know.
Your smiles lack of doubt
Was all that I needed
To know what I had been without.
One may not say
That I'd die without you
But it still isn't something
I'd like to attempt.
It just took one touch
And I found myself falling;
Yet I'm still unfamiliar
With having this crutch.
What you've turned me into;
I hate even more
Blaming you.
Because of your eyes,
I have weakened.
Due to your laugh,
I am less crass.
It wouldn't be a stretch to admit
That I was softened by your kiss;
But that's not to say
I was ever hard in the start.
The vulnerability that you have caused me
Is something I'm still afraid to know.
Your smiles lack of doubt
Was all that I needed
To know what I had been without.
One may not say
That I'd die without you
But it still isn't something
I'd like to attempt.
It just took one touch
And I found myself falling;
Yet I'm still unfamiliar
With having this crutch.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
There have been quite a few poems I've written since my last post, but I forgot my notebook at your house, and this is going to be difficult enough typing from my phone, since I'm still without internet.
Since I don't have my regular notebook, here is one from right now.
Watch as I get lost
In the hopes I hide
Within your eyes
Scared that I am falling
Too fast for safety
But I can't get off this ride
When you hold me late at night
Nothing will ever feel more right;
I forget we're two people
Leading separate lives.
When I feel your pulse
I believe its mine,
And with our fingers intertwined
Your skin becomes a part of mine.
The smile you give me every morning
Shows me the words you don't say,
And always comes without warning.
I feel lost when you're gone
Like half the person I can be.
But knowing there's another moment
Gives me strength to breathe.
Watch me as I get lost
In my love for you.
Since I don't have my regular notebook, here is one from right now.
Watch as I get lost
In the hopes I hide
Within your eyes
Scared that I am falling
Too fast for safety
But I can't get off this ride
When you hold me late at night
Nothing will ever feel more right;
I forget we're two people
Leading separate lives.
When I feel your pulse
I believe its mine,
And with our fingers intertwined
Your skin becomes a part of mine.
The smile you give me every morning
Shows me the words you don't say,
And always comes without warning.
I feel lost when you're gone
Like half the person I can be.
But knowing there's another moment
Gives me strength to breathe.
Watch me as I get lost
In my love for you.
Friday, April 23, 2010
unoriginal blog part thirty-five.
I'm like a jellyfish, in that I have no backbone.
One day, I'll stand up for myself.
One day, I'll put me first.
One day, I'll be the main character of my own book.
(But I'm not holding my breath.)
I really thought I was moving forward, and growing up, and getting there; and today I realized I'm just really good at tricking myself.
If I could manipulate other peoples minds as easily as I can manipulate my own, I would have everything I've ever wanted, and more, and no one would even realize I was doing it. I'm quite glad I can't do that though.
I'm not even sure what my problem is this time, but, I generally don't. I just slip into this. This horrible funk. No trigger. No warning. No reasonable explanation.
Just, bam.
And then Jenn's depressed.
The worst part is knowing ways to help myself feel better, and knowing they are unattainable.
So I'll just hide out in my room until work tomorrow, and tell everyone I'm just too tired to go out.
I also believe retail therapy has the opposite effect on me.
I think when I buy things, I just feel shitty.
I hate vanity, but I'm becoming vain.
I am also very tired of feeling inadequate in everything I do.
I'll never be good enough for myself, or anyone else, in my own eyes.
I want more tattoos.
I want to smile right now, but I feel more like crying.
This whole day I've just felt off.
I want to be myself again.
The better version of myself.
The happy version.
I've been trying my hardest to not mention you at all, apparently, I'm incapable.
I'd like to think about you less.
I'd like to miss you less.
I'd like to need you less.
I don't really want any of that, but I wish I did. It would make everything easier.
Me claiming to be stupid for you really is the best way I can describe it.
I'm on an Ingrid Michaelson kick right now. I love her music, but I don't much like how I have to be feeling to be listening to her this much.
breathe it all in
this is what i came here for
the feel of your skin
and hoping to see you once more
tomorrow isnt guaranteed
today could be our last chance
ive learned to take your love in stride
while waiting for you to take a stance
the day may never come
but i still believe
that you're the one
and waiting is just something
that has to be done
i'll walk alone and in the rain
i'll take the love
and take the pain
hopeful of what the future brings
but knowing the whole time
it only takes a moment to change everything
i will not dwell on the past
or worry each day
will be our last
cross my heart
and hope to die
they will never
see me cry
........................................................................
slipping and sliding
your lifetime's just gliding
trip on the crack
broke mothers back
fell to the floor
got kicked out the door
no one behind you
and nothing ahead
they call you a sinner
you'd rather be dead
your chin to your chest
you've all but regressed
and to think
what comes next
they decide
One day, I'll stand up for myself.
One day, I'll put me first.
One day, I'll be the main character of my own book.
(But I'm not holding my breath.)
I really thought I was moving forward, and growing up, and getting there; and today I realized I'm just really good at tricking myself.
If I could manipulate other peoples minds as easily as I can manipulate my own, I would have everything I've ever wanted, and more, and no one would even realize I was doing it. I'm quite glad I can't do that though.
I'm not even sure what my problem is this time, but, I generally don't. I just slip into this. This horrible funk. No trigger. No warning. No reasonable explanation.
Just, bam.
And then Jenn's depressed.
The worst part is knowing ways to help myself feel better, and knowing they are unattainable.
So I'll just hide out in my room until work tomorrow, and tell everyone I'm just too tired to go out.
I also believe retail therapy has the opposite effect on me.
I think when I buy things, I just feel shitty.
I hate vanity, but I'm becoming vain.
I am also very tired of feeling inadequate in everything I do.
I'll never be good enough for myself, or anyone else, in my own eyes.
I want more tattoos.
I want to smile right now, but I feel more like crying.
This whole day I've just felt off.
I want to be myself again.
The better version of myself.
The happy version.
I've been trying my hardest to not mention you at all, apparently, I'm incapable.
I'd like to think about you less.
I'd like to miss you less.
I'd like to need you less.
I don't really want any of that, but I wish I did. It would make everything easier.
Me claiming to be stupid for you really is the best way I can describe it.
I'm on an Ingrid Michaelson kick right now. I love her music, but I don't much like how I have to be feeling to be listening to her this much.
breathe it all in
this is what i came here for
the feel of your skin
and hoping to see you once more
tomorrow isnt guaranteed
today could be our last chance
ive learned to take your love in stride
while waiting for you to take a stance
the day may never come
but i still believe
that you're the one
and waiting is just something
that has to be done
i'll walk alone and in the rain
i'll take the love
and take the pain
hopeful of what the future brings
but knowing the whole time
it only takes a moment to change everything
i will not dwell on the past
or worry each day
will be our last
cross my heart
and hope to die
they will never
see me cry
........................................................................
slipping and sliding
your lifetime's just gliding
trip on the crack
broke mothers back
fell to the floor
got kicked out the door
no one behind you
and nothing ahead
they call you a sinner
you'd rather be dead
your chin to your chest
you've all but regressed
and to think
what comes next
they decide
Sunday, April 18, 2010
unoriginal blog part thirty-four.
I am greatly enjoying my life.
A year ago today, I could say the same, but from a completely different place.
And I was happy, but not anywhere near where I am today.
And although this is not how I pictured spending today when I thought about it last year, it is fitting.
These are the people that we are.
This is who we have become.
This is where we are.
I love the person you're becoming more every day.
And I am proud to say the same of myself.
I can't believe how long I've known you.
Every day feels so new, but I forget that it has been such a short time that I have known you.
That doesn't make much sense, but it does to me.
I want to know how you do it.
How you make me feel so incredible, and free, and safe, and childlike.
How can I still get that feeling in my stomach when you touch me like its the first time, while knowing and trusting you so completely that life before you seems like an entirely different lifetime?
The other night when I almost left, I really wanted to tell you something. This is it:
You are something I am unwilling to give up on. I may make an ass of myself sometimes, and say the wrong thing. I may push you, and apologize. I may stumble over my words. I may say too much, I may not say enough. I may be a bitch, and sometimes I may try to hard to be nice. I may stay too long, and I may leave too early. All of what I do is to let you know I love you, and I am willing to wait a lifetime for you. All of it is to see that smile that makes my knees weak. All of it is for you.
And I say its all for you, but really, it keeps me happy, too.
Enough about that.
(At least for now.)
I get to start moving to my new place in May. I plan on buying lots of cleaning supplies and paint, and start fixing it up after getting paid on Friday.
This excites me greatly.
Although I have a room, and all my things, and my cat here, this isn't really home.
I still refer to this as "Trish's house".
It will be nice to feel like I have a place again.
Not to say I have not been completely welcomed, and don't feel comfortable here, but my room looks like a storage unit, and I am just uneasy being in there for too long. Its entirely too cluttered.
I also am trying to talk myself back into working on the book more.
It may slowly be working.
I also really need to work on my school stuff.
Like, financial aid, and all that crucial stuff.
Woops.
This morning I thought I had lost my notebook. I haven't seen it for over a week, but I hadn't really been looking.
I was panicked. That notebook has everything.
So much of the last year and a half is crammed in that falling apart, and tattered red notebook.
Another downfall to the storage unit/bedroom.
But, I did find it, and all is again right with the world.
And, a poem.
In this place I've never been
Surrounded by people
Who've named themselves friends
Shadows lurk behind every door
You say you're finished
They're just ready for more
Turn around and try to leave
As far as you can get
Before you forget to breathe
Check behind you just in case
You can't get away
They've won this race
Pull you back
And close the door
Strangers start to wonder
Why you don't smile anymore
Your face has changed
You all look the same
You wear an ugly mask
And hide outside the frame
The images blur
While the world is in motion
You have to get out now
You need to start a commotion
I couldn't end that one. I tried like 8 different things, and haven't liked any of them. I need to work on that.
A year ago today, I could say the same, but from a completely different place.
And I was happy, but not anywhere near where I am today.
And although this is not how I pictured spending today when I thought about it last year, it is fitting.
These are the people that we are.
This is who we have become.
This is where we are.
I love the person you're becoming more every day.
And I am proud to say the same of myself.
I can't believe how long I've known you.
Every day feels so new, but I forget that it has been such a short time that I have known you.
That doesn't make much sense, but it does to me.
I want to know how you do it.
How you make me feel so incredible, and free, and safe, and childlike.
How can I still get that feeling in my stomach when you touch me like its the first time, while knowing and trusting you so completely that life before you seems like an entirely different lifetime?
The other night when I almost left, I really wanted to tell you something. This is it:
You are something I am unwilling to give up on. I may make an ass of myself sometimes, and say the wrong thing. I may push you, and apologize. I may stumble over my words. I may say too much, I may not say enough. I may be a bitch, and sometimes I may try to hard to be nice. I may stay too long, and I may leave too early. All of what I do is to let you know I love you, and I am willing to wait a lifetime for you. All of it is to see that smile that makes my knees weak. All of it is for you.
And I say its all for you, but really, it keeps me happy, too.
Enough about that.
(At least for now.)
I get to start moving to my new place in May. I plan on buying lots of cleaning supplies and paint, and start fixing it up after getting paid on Friday.
This excites me greatly.
Although I have a room, and all my things, and my cat here, this isn't really home.
I still refer to this as "Trish's house".
It will be nice to feel like I have a place again.
Not to say I have not been completely welcomed, and don't feel comfortable here, but my room looks like a storage unit, and I am just uneasy being in there for too long. Its entirely too cluttered.
I also am trying to talk myself back into working on the book more.
It may slowly be working.
I also really need to work on my school stuff.
Like, financial aid, and all that crucial stuff.
Woops.
This morning I thought I had lost my notebook. I haven't seen it for over a week, but I hadn't really been looking.
I was panicked. That notebook has everything.
So much of the last year and a half is crammed in that falling apart, and tattered red notebook.
Another downfall to the storage unit/bedroom.
But, I did find it, and all is again right with the world.
And, a poem.
In this place I've never been
Surrounded by people
Who've named themselves friends
Shadows lurk behind every door
You say you're finished
They're just ready for more
Turn around and try to leave
As far as you can get
Before you forget to breathe
Check behind you just in case
You can't get away
They've won this race
Pull you back
And close the door
Strangers start to wonder
Why you don't smile anymore
Your face has changed
You all look the same
You wear an ugly mask
And hide outside the frame
The images blur
While the world is in motion
You have to get out now
You need to start a commotion
I couldn't end that one. I tried like 8 different things, and haven't liked any of them. I need to work on that.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
unoriginal blog part thirty-three.
I can't even pretend to be unhappy.
Not that that is something that I would be attempting to pretend.
Aside from the fact that taxes are supposed to be done tomorrow, and I haven't even started, everything is going better than I could have imagined.
And, I may be able to finally replace my laptop screen in the next few weeks.
Apparently, she's following through with her heart diet.
I call her every day and ask her what she's eaten, and what her exercises were for the day.
I feel like I'm the mom, but she can get over it.
She is not someone I am going to lose without a fight.
Work is even going well, and I have a Saturday off.
Like I said, everything is going well.
But, the next time I have to sleep in my own bed is going to be strange.
Its been so long since I've slept alone, or in my own place, and there are so many boxes my room is still more like a storage facility than a room.
Tonight will probably be that night.
I hope my cat doesn't suffocate me in vengeance.
Spending time with you gets better every day.
I don't even mind having to walk a few blocks back and forth to get my stuff.
And the more time I spend with you, the more time I want to spend with you.
Addiction really is the best word.
Someone asked me how I felt about you, if I was in love with you, or what.
Love felt like an understatement.
I believe it's best described as stupid.
I am stupid for you.
And this is absolutely not a complaint/bad thing.
You make me smile more than I have ever smiled before.
The way you touch me, and look at me, I cant even explain what it does to me.
You're my very own drug.
And listening to you play drums, or your guitar inspires me.
You inspire me.
I love finding new music. Or just new songs by old favorites.
I haven't written in a while, nor have I worked on my book.
I have my whole life to do this, right?
Whats the rush?
(If no one has noticed, I procrastinate. A lot.)
I'm writing this right now. I'll probably hate it.
They think they're happy
They believe themselves to be free,
But what they don't know
Is everything I see.
Too young for that color,
To old for that man,
No one stopped to tell them
Life doesn't follow a plan.
She's too young to notice
That he's too young to care,
And when the honeymoon is over
They'll wonder why they're there.
Babies buying dresses,
While grandma picks out shoes.
They will walk down the aisle
Before they've built their views.
Become the person you aspire to be
For no one but yourself.
When you make yourself happy,
You won't waste away on someones shelf.
Not that that is something that I would be attempting to pretend.
Aside from the fact that taxes are supposed to be done tomorrow, and I haven't even started, everything is going better than I could have imagined.
And, I may be able to finally replace my laptop screen in the next few weeks.
Apparently, she's following through with her heart diet.
I call her every day and ask her what she's eaten, and what her exercises were for the day.
I feel like I'm the mom, but she can get over it.
She is not someone I am going to lose without a fight.
Work is even going well, and I have a Saturday off.
Like I said, everything is going well.
But, the next time I have to sleep in my own bed is going to be strange.
Its been so long since I've slept alone, or in my own place, and there are so many boxes my room is still more like a storage facility than a room.
Tonight will probably be that night.
I hope my cat doesn't suffocate me in vengeance.
Spending time with you gets better every day.
I don't even mind having to walk a few blocks back and forth to get my stuff.
And the more time I spend with you, the more time I want to spend with you.
Addiction really is the best word.
Someone asked me how I felt about you, if I was in love with you, or what.
Love felt like an understatement.
I believe it's best described as stupid.
I am stupid for you.
And this is absolutely not a complaint/bad thing.
You make me smile more than I have ever smiled before.
The way you touch me, and look at me, I cant even explain what it does to me.
You're my very own drug.
And listening to you play drums, or your guitar inspires me.
You inspire me.
I love finding new music. Or just new songs by old favorites.
I haven't written in a while, nor have I worked on my book.
I have my whole life to do this, right?
Whats the rush?
(If no one has noticed, I procrastinate. A lot.)
I'm writing this right now. I'll probably hate it.
They think they're happy
They believe themselves to be free,
But what they don't know
Is everything I see.
Too young for that color,
To old for that man,
No one stopped to tell them
Life doesn't follow a plan.
She's too young to notice
That he's too young to care,
And when the honeymoon is over
They'll wonder why they're there.
Babies buying dresses,
While grandma picks out shoes.
They will walk down the aisle
Before they've built their views.
Become the person you aspire to be
For no one but yourself.
When you make yourself happy,
You won't waste away on someones shelf.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
unoriginal blog part thirty-two.
She's being an idiot about all of this.
She isn't understanding how valuable the time is.
How valuable she is.
She needs to open her eyes, and do what she has said she was going to do for years now.
I don't care what it takes, she needs to stick around.
She claims to know what she's doing, and that everything will be fine, but she's wrong.
If she knew what she was doing, she wouldn't be getting worse.
She doesn't understand the toll it takes on me everyday either.
As for you;
Your roommates keep asking me questions.
Questions I can't answer, as much as I'd like to.
And I don't even know what I want the answer to be.
I've been so blissed out on how things are going, I don't want it to stop.
I don't want it to change, but I guess I want to know I'm not leading myself down a dead end.
But, I trust you, and I don't think you would do that to me.
I believe in you.
I guess I still want to know what comes next, and maybe when that will be.
But I'm too nervous to ask, because as I said, I don't want this to stop.
Waking up to your face every morning is more than I could have dreamed about.
I don't want to lose that.
And as far as I can tell right now, I don't want to ever lose that.
There is going to come a day
When you will realize
You can't imagine your life
Without me sharing every sunrise.
Every chapter you've gone through
Will cease to capture your mind
And you will only look to the writer
To ensure I'm on your side.
Every passing moment
Will be better than the last,
And when you remember to catch your breath
You're not thinking of the past.
When this day greets you
You'll see me waiting there
Arms outreached to greet you,
My fears and inhibitions dissipate into the air.
I will tell you how I've loved you
Since the first time I saw your eyes
Take your hand inside of mine
My emotions won't be compromised.
Sink your feet into the sand
Baby, don't let go of my hand
Unlock your heart and stay by me
(You should know I have never been this happy.)
She isn't understanding how valuable the time is.
How valuable she is.
She needs to open her eyes, and do what she has said she was going to do for years now.
I don't care what it takes, she needs to stick around.
She claims to know what she's doing, and that everything will be fine, but she's wrong.
If she knew what she was doing, she wouldn't be getting worse.
She doesn't understand the toll it takes on me everyday either.
As for you;
Your roommates keep asking me questions.
Questions I can't answer, as much as I'd like to.
And I don't even know what I want the answer to be.
I've been so blissed out on how things are going, I don't want it to stop.
I don't want it to change, but I guess I want to know I'm not leading myself down a dead end.
But, I trust you, and I don't think you would do that to me.
I believe in you.
I guess I still want to know what comes next, and maybe when that will be.
But I'm too nervous to ask, because as I said, I don't want this to stop.
Waking up to your face every morning is more than I could have dreamed about.
I don't want to lose that.
And as far as I can tell right now, I don't want to ever lose that.
There is going to come a day
When you will realize
You can't imagine your life
Without me sharing every sunrise.
Every chapter you've gone through
Will cease to capture your mind
And you will only look to the writer
To ensure I'm on your side.
Every passing moment
Will be better than the last,
And when you remember to catch your breath
You're not thinking of the past.
When this day greets you
You'll see me waiting there
Arms outreached to greet you,
My fears and inhibitions dissipate into the air.
I will tell you how I've loved you
Since the first time I saw your eyes
Take your hand inside of mine
My emotions won't be compromised.
Sink your feet into the sand
Baby, don't let go of my hand
Unlock your heart and stay by me
(You should know I have never been this happy.)
Friday, April 2, 2010
unoriginal blog part thirty-one.
Some days I feel like everything is wonderful. Nothing can bring me down. Nothing can stop me.
Some days I feel like there is no reason to get out of bed. Nothing to look forward to, and that I have already experienced the best days I will get.
Some days, I have no hope left.
I hate those days.
Sadly, today is one of those days.
Last night I had a couple of heartfelt, and hopeful conversations, and today those have left me feeling empty.
I hate this.
I just want everything to make sense. I just want to know where we go now.
I want there to be a we to step into the future.
(I want that to sound less lame, too.)
On a different topic, I hate this futon.
Its like sleeping on a couch, but worse. And this room is filled with everything I own in boxes, and it gets to stay this way for the next month.
Maybe once I can stretch out in my own bed again, I'll be more able to face everything.
Give me a month, and I should be good as new.
:/
I wish I could get back that hope, and happiness I felt two days ago.
That was inspiring.
I did write two little things that aren't even complete poems today, but I am afraid to post them.
So, I'll post a Frank Sinatra song I heard on the radio on my way home from work tonight.
It made me feel like someone else understood, and is exactly how I feel.
Every kiss, every hug seems to act just like a drug
You're getting to be a habit with me
Let me stay in your arms, I'm addicted to your charms
You're getting to be a habit with me
I used to think your love was something I could take or leave alone
But now I couldn't do without my supply, I need you for my own
Oh, I can't break away, I must have you everyday, as regularly as coffee or tea
You've got me in your clutches and I can't break free,
You're getting to be a habit with me
Every girl just wants someone to love them as much as they love.
____________________________________________________
And then you talk to me, and I have faith in life again.
<3
Some days I feel like there is no reason to get out of bed. Nothing to look forward to, and that I have already experienced the best days I will get.
Some days, I have no hope left.
I hate those days.
Sadly, today is one of those days.
Last night I had a couple of heartfelt, and hopeful conversations, and today those have left me feeling empty.
I hate this.
I just want everything to make sense. I just want to know where we go now.
I want there to be a we to step into the future.
(I want that to sound less lame, too.)
On a different topic, I hate this futon.
Its like sleeping on a couch, but worse. And this room is filled with everything I own in boxes, and it gets to stay this way for the next month.
Maybe once I can stretch out in my own bed again, I'll be more able to face everything.
Give me a month, and I should be good as new.
:/
I wish I could get back that hope, and happiness I felt two days ago.
That was inspiring.
I did write two little things that aren't even complete poems today, but I am afraid to post them.
So, I'll post a Frank Sinatra song I heard on the radio on my way home from work tonight.
It made me feel like someone else understood, and is exactly how I feel.
Every kiss, every hug seems to act just like a drug
You're getting to be a habit with me
Let me stay in your arms, I'm addicted to your charms
You're getting to be a habit with me
I used to think your love was something I could take or leave alone
But now I couldn't do without my supply, I need you for my own
Oh, I can't break away, I must have you everyday, as regularly as coffee or tea
You've got me in your clutches and I can't break free,
You're getting to be a habit with me
Every girl just wants someone to love them as much as they love.
____________________________________________________
And then you talk to me, and I have faith in life again.
<3
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
unoriginal blog part thirty.
Just like I said, March is my month.
It always starts off horribly, but ends better than I can imagine.
Not only does everything appear to be falling perfectly into place, its doing it with ease.
I am so happy.
I moved.
I told you.
You told me.
My cat isn't too happy, but she just hates moving.
Sorry kitty, we're doing it again in a month.
Also, I believe I am a creeper magnet. It just is something in my DNA I guess.
Bleh.
Oh, and I'm sick of having allergies. Really. I'd like to keep my voice, and not sneeze every three seconds, thanks.
I am so happy.
And, I'd like to think I have a lot of myself to thank for it this time.
I have decided to start treating myself just half as well as I treat everyone else, and I feel great.
You help. You make me feel special, and important.
There are things I never thought I would share with someone. Things I never thought I would feel, and things I never thought I would experience.
And then I met you.
And, wow.
My life completely changed.
In so many ways. I can't even imagine not knowing you.
Not having had you for the last year.
I would be a completely different person.
You've saved me.
I have the worlds greatest friends.
I'm just on this incredible high right now.
I don't know if I've written anything since my last post, because I've been so busy.
But, I can probably dig up some more old stuff.
You smile like you’ve never seen pain,
Your cheeks have never been wet,
Even in rain.
The smile in your eyes is so juvenile,
And if you don’t mind,
I’d like to sit and stare a while.
The heat of your lips
Could melt ice caps,
And I’d like to take a sip.
I’d like to live vicariously
Through your guitar.
Watch you strum so elegantly.
The sounds only go so far.
The tone of your words
Could speak to the deaf.
I’d like to take your hand in mine,
And stay this way until death
(do us part)
And we all know for some people,
That’s just the start.
It always starts off horribly, but ends better than I can imagine.
Not only does everything appear to be falling perfectly into place, its doing it with ease.
I am so happy.
I moved.
I told you.
You told me.
My cat isn't too happy, but she just hates moving.
Sorry kitty, we're doing it again in a month.
Also, I believe I am a creeper magnet. It just is something in my DNA I guess.
Bleh.
Oh, and I'm sick of having allergies. Really. I'd like to keep my voice, and not sneeze every three seconds, thanks.
I am so happy.
And, I'd like to think I have a lot of myself to thank for it this time.
I have decided to start treating myself just half as well as I treat everyone else, and I feel great.
You help. You make me feel special, and important.
There are things I never thought I would share with someone. Things I never thought I would feel, and things I never thought I would experience.
And then I met you.
And, wow.
My life completely changed.
In so many ways. I can't even imagine not knowing you.
Not having had you for the last year.
I would be a completely different person.
You've saved me.
I have the worlds greatest friends.
I'm just on this incredible high right now.
I don't know if I've written anything since my last post, because I've been so busy.
But, I can probably dig up some more old stuff.
You smile like you’ve never seen pain,
Your cheeks have never been wet,
Even in rain.
The smile in your eyes is so juvenile,
And if you don’t mind,
I’d like to sit and stare a while.
The heat of your lips
Could melt ice caps,
And I’d like to take a sip.
I’d like to live vicariously
Through your guitar.
Watch you strum so elegantly.
The sounds only go so far.
The tone of your words
Could speak to the deaf.
I’d like to take your hand in mine,
And stay this way until death
(do us part)
And we all know for some people,
That’s just the start.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
I have put it all out there.
Now, I wait.
I have my brothers for a few days, they make everything better.
Not that anything is bad right now, because everything is the best its been in a long time, but this just makes it even better.
Those boys are my entire world.
I also have a lot of packing and cleaning to do in the next couple of days, and I need to find a place to put some of my stuff. Hopefully this goes smoothly.
I can't stop thinking about you. You made the last week perfect, and you made my birthday a day that I will never forget.
You make me happier than I thought I could be.
Never change.
You're like my own personal drug
Only better.
An addiction I'll hold
And always remember
Struggling for strength
Outside of your touch
I believe you're an addiction
That I'll never give up.
I soak it all in
Every chance that I get
And I'll take everything from you
A life of no regrets.
You're something I can't quit
And we've gone too far
But there's no end in sight
Its going past an addiction
And turning in to something I need.
Now, I wait.
I have my brothers for a few days, they make everything better.
Not that anything is bad right now, because everything is the best its been in a long time, but this just makes it even better.
Those boys are my entire world.
I also have a lot of packing and cleaning to do in the next couple of days, and I need to find a place to put some of my stuff. Hopefully this goes smoothly.
I can't stop thinking about you. You made the last week perfect, and you made my birthday a day that I will never forget.
You make me happier than I thought I could be.
Never change.
You're like my own personal drug
Only better.
An addiction I'll hold
And always remember
Struggling for strength
Outside of your touch
I believe you're an addiction
That I'll never give up.
I soak it all in
Every chance that I get
And I'll take everything from you
A life of no regrets.
You're something I can't quit
And we've gone too far
But there's no end in sight
Its going past an addiction
And turning in to something I need.
Monday, March 22, 2010
unoriginal blog part twenty-nine.
There are so many amazing songs out there, and so many breath taking lyrics, I wish I could write like these people.
I've had a pretty great last few days.
Aside from working 10+ hours of overtime, and being physically exhausted, mentally, I don't remember ever feeling so alive.
ALIVE.
That's how we should all be living our life.
Every day ends.
Everyone dies.
Every feeling passes.
You need to live, to experience, to dream.
Dream big, and run towards them.
Alright, now I just sound like a lunatic, but, I'm over it.
You never cease to amaze me, in the best possible ways.
I love waking up with the ability to see your face, and your smile will always warm my soul.
I am madly in love with you.
I just want to say it to you.
I just want to hear the words go between you and me.
You're everything I've ever needed, and everything I've ever wanted.
I'm having dinner with most of my family for my birthday, I'm even excited for it.
I'm very excited for moving next week!
(Its finally happening! I just need a more fuel efficient vehicle.)
And, a poem I wrote the other night:
There's nothing I can do
That doesn't make me think of you
There's no where I can go
That I don't wish you near
Every day we're apart
I dream us together
And every morning should start
With you by my side.
Love's just a word
What matters is what we feel
Why put labels of words
With whats in ones heart
When you smile all I feel
Is my old pains healing
And when you're beside me I absorb
The beat of your heart.
I've had a pretty great last few days.
Aside from working 10+ hours of overtime, and being physically exhausted, mentally, I don't remember ever feeling so alive.
ALIVE.
That's how we should all be living our life.
Every day ends.
Everyone dies.
Every feeling passes.
You need to live, to experience, to dream.
Dream big, and run towards them.
Alright, now I just sound like a lunatic, but, I'm over it.
You never cease to amaze me, in the best possible ways.
I love waking up with the ability to see your face, and your smile will always warm my soul.
I am madly in love with you.
I just want to say it to you.
I just want to hear the words go between you and me.
You're everything I've ever needed, and everything I've ever wanted.
I'm having dinner with most of my family for my birthday, I'm even excited for it.
I'm very excited for moving next week!
(Its finally happening! I just need a more fuel efficient vehicle.)
And, a poem I wrote the other night:
There's nothing I can do
That doesn't make me think of you
There's no where I can go
That I don't wish you near
Every day we're apart
I dream us together
And every morning should start
With you by my side.
Love's just a word
What matters is what we feel
Why put labels of words
With whats in ones heart
When you smile all I feel
Is my old pains healing
And when you're beside me I absorb
The beat of your heart.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
unoriginal blog part twenty-eight.
Every day gives me something new to be happy about. Even the worst days aren't so bad when I look at how bad it could be.
I am so lucky to have the family, and friends that I have found.
I know how naive I must seem, how can someone who has any intelligence be so blissed out in such a crummy time.
I've just learned that I have to deal with things, and that some things are just out of my control, and I just have to make the best of them, and see how I can improve myself, or the lives of those around me, in the process.
And its nice to have people that believe in me, and support me.
You've never once put me down, or discouraged me from a dream.
I would be a fool to not be crazy about you.
And there's my dad, who has stepped up for me more in the past few weeks than I ever thought possible.
The road we've been on hasn't been well paved. And there have been plenty of times I was sure we had hit a dead end. I can never thank him enough.
Its almost my birthday again. I feel like this time last year just happened. And although things are different in every way, March is always my insane month. Where so much changes, and it always ends in the best possible way.
If I get to spend my birthday with you, I don't think it could get any better.
I've also started watching the show "Dead Like Me", and, I'm really liking it.
On a not so good note, I haven't touched my book project in too long. I know what I need to do, and am just, not doing it.
Its stupid.
But, I did send in the registration stuff for school, and have my orientation thinger in June.
Staying positive.
(You're still the creep.)
Here's a couple poems I wrote in December/January:
You've got me on a string
Letting me go,
Just to pull me back in.
It makes it impossible
To move beyond you,
And its looking fairly probable,
That I'm too blind to mind.
Push me out
Pull me back
Baby, this is torture.
If you want to hold me through the night.
Just gain back your composure.
Now I've met some folks
With razor blades
Hidden safely in their coats
They're the type of people
Just itching to cut that rope.
Push me out
Pull me back
Just tell me what you want.
Because every time I think about you
I remember your eyes that haunt me.
And, the next one:
She believes fear is just hate
In a cocktail dress.
She looks in your eyes,
And tells you whats next.
"You look like a fool when you're dressed to impress.
You take what you cant give
And by now you should know
When you're scared of yourself
That's no way to live."
She doesn't know how to hold back her thoughts
And filtering her beliefs
Just leaves her distraught.
She wishes they could see
Exactly what she means.
And that when she gives her heart
The rest of her is left to fall apart.
And when she handed hers to you
Scared to death of what came next
Closed her eyes and turned her head
Cringed for a moment before she said,
"I'll give you this,
If you promise me
That you will always
Be true to me.
Don't be afraid of what we feel
Or life will start
To push us apart.
The distance becomes pain
And pain into hate;
But, baby, we've been brought here
Due to our fate."
The tears in her eyes,
Glistening on her ceek.
How life can change
When two people meet.
I never like my own poems.
I am so lucky to have the family, and friends that I have found.
I know how naive I must seem, how can someone who has any intelligence be so blissed out in such a crummy time.
I've just learned that I have to deal with things, and that some things are just out of my control, and I just have to make the best of them, and see how I can improve myself, or the lives of those around me, in the process.
And its nice to have people that believe in me, and support me.
You've never once put me down, or discouraged me from a dream.
I would be a fool to not be crazy about you.
And there's my dad, who has stepped up for me more in the past few weeks than I ever thought possible.
The road we've been on hasn't been well paved. And there have been plenty of times I was sure we had hit a dead end. I can never thank him enough.
Its almost my birthday again. I feel like this time last year just happened. And although things are different in every way, March is always my insane month. Where so much changes, and it always ends in the best possible way.
If I get to spend my birthday with you, I don't think it could get any better.
I've also started watching the show "Dead Like Me", and, I'm really liking it.
On a not so good note, I haven't touched my book project in too long. I know what I need to do, and am just, not doing it.
Its stupid.
But, I did send in the registration stuff for school, and have my orientation thinger in June.
Staying positive.
(You're still the creep.)
Here's a couple poems I wrote in December/January:
You've got me on a string
Letting me go,
Just to pull me back in.
It makes it impossible
To move beyond you,
And its looking fairly probable,
That I'm too blind to mind.
Push me out
Pull me back
Baby, this is torture.
If you want to hold me through the night.
Just gain back your composure.
Now I've met some folks
With razor blades
Hidden safely in their coats
They're the type of people
Just itching to cut that rope.
Push me out
Pull me back
Just tell me what you want.
Because every time I think about you
I remember your eyes that haunt me.
And, the next one:
She believes fear is just hate
In a cocktail dress.
She looks in your eyes,
And tells you whats next.
"You look like a fool when you're dressed to impress.
You take what you cant give
And by now you should know
When you're scared of yourself
That's no way to live."
She doesn't know how to hold back her thoughts
And filtering her beliefs
Just leaves her distraught.
She wishes they could see
Exactly what she means.
And that when she gives her heart
The rest of her is left to fall apart.
And when she handed hers to you
Scared to death of what came next
Closed her eyes and turned her head
Cringed for a moment before she said,
"I'll give you this,
If you promise me
That you will always
Be true to me.
Don't be afraid of what we feel
Or life will start
To push us apart.
The distance becomes pain
And pain into hate;
But, baby, we've been brought here
Due to our fate."
The tears in her eyes,
Glistening on her ceek.
How life can change
When two people meet.
I never like my own poems.
Friday, March 12, 2010
unoriginal blog part twenty-seven.
I can't even keep control over my own thoughts.
They always wander to the same place, every single time, my mind runs to thoughts of you.
It doesn't matter what else I'm doing, or how important what I'm trying to concentrate on is.
That's creepy, but I'm over it.
Really, if you think about it, this whole blog thing I have going on here is pretty creepy. I just talk about you, and how I feel about you, all the time.
And occasionally something about my cat, or my desire to change addresses frequently.
But, as I said, if I'm talking, or typing, or thinking, the same thing pulls my focus, so its obviously going to be mentioned.
I don't know how I feel about the poetry I've been writing lately.
I almost feel like I'm regressing. :/
I may edit it and take these poems out.
He's fallen below
Every place he wanted to go
And what she still doesn't know
Is how?
She's been pushed to the side
Just tries to find somewhere to hide
But we all know paths collide
Just not why.
They stumbled into each other
While masked, and undercover
Of years and wondering
What next?
Together, or apart
They have learned from their hearts
And received a fresh start
Starting now.
He stepped up above
She flies like a dove
And all from their love,
Just their love.
And:
I don't know where I'm headed
Just where I'm coming from,
I do know who I am today,
But not who I will become.
I can only give you what I have,
And all I have is me.
If that isn't good enough,
Baby, set me free.
I can't tell you what comes next,
Or where tomorrow will end,
All I know is what I need,
And that's the love of a friend.
A year ago I felt your touch,
And I felt my whole life change.
Your eyes set my world on fire,
And saved me from this cage.
Yesterday means nothing
Without the promise of today,
And tomorrow is another chance
To convince you to stay.
(I'm not so much liking the second one especially right now.)
Anyway, yeah.
I hope I'm not alone, or a major creeper in this feeling.
But, since you know exactly how I feel, and don't stop me, or give me any indication I'm alone on this, or incorrect about anything, I feel pretty good about it all.
Also, I'm almost starting to not hate driving around in the minivan. Except the whole parking, and reversing thing.
And that there are so many little toys from my brothers in the back that I can hear them moving as I turn corners.
But, I am very excited for them to come visit.
(They want to see you.)
I can't believe its almost my birthday again. It feels like this time last year just happened.
Wow. In one year, almost exactly, so much has changed.
And I still believe now what I could only hope for then.
(I love you.)
They always wander to the same place, every single time, my mind runs to thoughts of you.
It doesn't matter what else I'm doing, or how important what I'm trying to concentrate on is.
That's creepy, but I'm over it.
Really, if you think about it, this whole blog thing I have going on here is pretty creepy. I just talk about you, and how I feel about you, all the time.
And occasionally something about my cat, or my desire to change addresses frequently.
But, as I said, if I'm talking, or typing, or thinking, the same thing pulls my focus, so its obviously going to be mentioned.
I don't know how I feel about the poetry I've been writing lately.
I almost feel like I'm regressing. :/
I may edit it and take these poems out.
He's fallen below
Every place he wanted to go
And what she still doesn't know
Is how?
She's been pushed to the side
Just tries to find somewhere to hide
But we all know paths collide
Just not why.
They stumbled into each other
While masked, and undercover
Of years and wondering
What next?
Together, or apart
They have learned from their hearts
And received a fresh start
Starting now.
He stepped up above
She flies like a dove
And all from their love,
Just their love.
And:
I don't know where I'm headed
Just where I'm coming from,
I do know who I am today,
But not who I will become.
I can only give you what I have,
And all I have is me.
If that isn't good enough,
Baby, set me free.
I can't tell you what comes next,
Or where tomorrow will end,
All I know is what I need,
And that's the love of a friend.
A year ago I felt your touch,
And I felt my whole life change.
Your eyes set my world on fire,
And saved me from this cage.
Yesterday means nothing
Without the promise of today,
And tomorrow is another chance
To convince you to stay.
(I'm not so much liking the second one especially right now.)
Anyway, yeah.
I hope I'm not alone, or a major creeper in this feeling.
But, since you know exactly how I feel, and don't stop me, or give me any indication I'm alone on this, or incorrect about anything, I feel pretty good about it all.
Also, I'm almost starting to not hate driving around in the minivan. Except the whole parking, and reversing thing.
And that there are so many little toys from my brothers in the back that I can hear them moving as I turn corners.
But, I am very excited for them to come visit.
(They want to see you.)
I can't believe its almost my birthday again. It feels like this time last year just happened.
Wow. In one year, almost exactly, so much has changed.
And I still believe now what I could only hope for then.
(I love you.)
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
unoriginal blog part twenty-six.
I am sitting in my bedroom, on my cracked laptop that is running out of battery, watching RENT, and not really sure of what happens next.
I know where I want life to take me, and I know what I would like to happen next, but, thats not where its headed.
Not right now at least.
Its scary waking up wondering what is going to happen next. Exhilarating to a point, but mainly just terrifying.
This is going to be really lame, but I don't even care. I have a lot I need to say, and I don't even care who sees it. Just thinking about these things isn't enough anymore. I need to get them out, and my notebook just wouldn't cut it. I am allowing myself to be vulnerable right now, and hoping I don't get burned in the end.
On days I know I'll get to see you, time goes slower than I ever thought it could.
When I'm within ten minutes of your exit my stomach is tying itself in knots.
The closer I get to your road, the more my palms sweat, and my heart races.
And then I see you.
And its just this giant inner burst of excitement and complete adoration, and the only thing I can do is smile and sheepishly say hi, because if you knew the emotions I held in, it may scare you away.
After almost a year of being madly in love with you, the feelings still terrify me.
Since the first night we kissed I have known there is no other person I'd rather spend my time with; good times, or bad.
No one else has ever made me feel anything like this.
Wow, I didn't expect that all to come out tonight, or ever, for that matter.
Its been a rough week, but since mid-afternoon yesterday, it appears my luck may be changing to the good side for once.
I hope it continues on the incline. I can't believe how screwed up everything got.
At least I got to see how far some people who genuinely care about me are willing to go, I just hope I can show them all how much I appreciate them.
If you're reading this, you're probably one of the people I appreciate.
Today I got a chance to get to know my oldest brother a little better, and it feels great. Granted it was a bit of small talk at first, I got to see some of the things he was passionate about, and talk to him about them. We only had a few minutes, but it was great.
And, I love my new job, and it seems to be going great. :)
I get along with everyone, and I'm doing well on my sales.
I don't have a poem that I feel like sharing on hand, so I will leave some lyrics that I just heard while writing this.
I found you!
I found you on the way to meet you...
I know where I want life to take me, and I know what I would like to happen next, but, thats not where its headed.
Not right now at least.
Its scary waking up wondering what is going to happen next. Exhilarating to a point, but mainly just terrifying.
This is going to be really lame, but I don't even care. I have a lot I need to say, and I don't even care who sees it. Just thinking about these things isn't enough anymore. I need to get them out, and my notebook just wouldn't cut it. I am allowing myself to be vulnerable right now, and hoping I don't get burned in the end.
On days I know I'll get to see you, time goes slower than I ever thought it could.
When I'm within ten minutes of your exit my stomach is tying itself in knots.
The closer I get to your road, the more my palms sweat, and my heart races.
And then I see you.
And its just this giant inner burst of excitement and complete adoration, and the only thing I can do is smile and sheepishly say hi, because if you knew the emotions I held in, it may scare you away.
After almost a year of being madly in love with you, the feelings still terrify me.
Since the first night we kissed I have known there is no other person I'd rather spend my time with; good times, or bad.
No one else has ever made me feel anything like this.
Wow, I didn't expect that all to come out tonight, or ever, for that matter.
Its been a rough week, but since mid-afternoon yesterday, it appears my luck may be changing to the good side for once.
I hope it continues on the incline. I can't believe how screwed up everything got.
At least I got to see how far some people who genuinely care about me are willing to go, I just hope I can show them all how much I appreciate them.
If you're reading this, you're probably one of the people I appreciate.
Today I got a chance to get to know my oldest brother a little better, and it feels great. Granted it was a bit of small talk at first, I got to see some of the things he was passionate about, and talk to him about them. We only had a few minutes, but it was great.
And, I love my new job, and it seems to be going great. :)
I get along with everyone, and I'm doing well on my sales.
I don't have a poem that I feel like sharing on hand, so I will leave some lyrics that I just heard while writing this.
I found you!
I found you on the way to meet you...
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
there are a million times every day i just want to tell you that i love you.
and all i really want, is to hear you say it back.
when im alone i look through pictures of you, of us. i watch you play your guitar. i think of the sound of your voice. i think of the way your eyes light up. i remember everything about you, and you give me hope. you give me strength. without even trying, you give me life.
im feeling inspired right now; lets see where it takes me.
unsaid are the things i fear
because it is only in my heart
that i know you are near
miles between us
and the future unknown
all i remember
is with you i am home
too many obstacles
may stand in your way
but i'll stay beside you,
because i know no other way.
i know that with each tomorrow
we get another chance
but i spend every yesterday
dreaming of romance.
im stuck inside myself
trapped within my thoughts
i just want another chance with you
i just want to be included in your plot.
and all i really want, is to hear you say it back.
when im alone i look through pictures of you, of us. i watch you play your guitar. i think of the sound of your voice. i think of the way your eyes light up. i remember everything about you, and you give me hope. you give me strength. without even trying, you give me life.
im feeling inspired right now; lets see where it takes me.
unsaid are the things i fear
because it is only in my heart
that i know you are near
miles between us
and the future unknown
all i remember
is with you i am home
too many obstacles
may stand in your way
but i'll stay beside you,
because i know no other way.
i know that with each tomorrow
we get another chance
but i spend every yesterday
dreaming of romance.
im stuck inside myself
trapped within my thoughts
i just want another chance with you
i just want to be included in your plot.
Monday, February 22, 2010
unoriginal blog part twenty-five.
Things may be falling apart a little bit more now than I was ready for, but that just means I have to reevaluate, and be prepared for whatever may come next.
You always have to have a back up plan, and I'm really glad that I realized that a long time ago.
I had a really great weekend, migraine aside, and it was one I wouldn't mind repeating on a more frequent basis. I may not have gotten much sleep, but I did get to see you, more than once.
You still have that look in your eyes when you look at me, and nothing has ever made me feel more safe. Sometimes even in pictures I take of you, I can see it, and it still gives me that feeling in my stomach.
I'm moving soon, very soon. I cannot wait. It will be a further drive to work, but that is the only downfall that I am foreseeing.
There will only be one poem this time, because that's all I feel like typing.
She slips it on
And pulls it back,
Just to bring them home.
Finds the perfect shoes to match
The hole inside her soul.
Affection means something to her
That this line of men never will.
Love had found her before last summer,
And now has left her seeking nightly thrills.
She may be in love with you,
But for now she isn't allowed to say.
So while she's waiting in the corner
For her life to regain order,
And put you back in your place;
Right next to her,
So she feels safe.
She'll stumble around this broken town
Make-up painted to hide the frown.
The anonymous man she met today
Will help her get from night to day.
She doesn't touch him,
Because she can't.
Just a different man in the room,
And she feels like a tramp.
Her heart is yours,
And its plain to see;
No one else matters to her,
She believes you're meant to be.
Try as she might to just make it through,
She can't imagine her life
Even a day past you.
You always have to have a back up plan, and I'm really glad that I realized that a long time ago.
I had a really great weekend, migraine aside, and it was one I wouldn't mind repeating on a more frequent basis. I may not have gotten much sleep, but I did get to see you, more than once.
You still have that look in your eyes when you look at me, and nothing has ever made me feel more safe. Sometimes even in pictures I take of you, I can see it, and it still gives me that feeling in my stomach.
I'm moving soon, very soon. I cannot wait. It will be a further drive to work, but that is the only downfall that I am foreseeing.
There will only be one poem this time, because that's all I feel like typing.
She slips it on
And pulls it back,
Just to bring them home.
Finds the perfect shoes to match
The hole inside her soul.
Affection means something to her
That this line of men never will.
Love had found her before last summer,
And now has left her seeking nightly thrills.
She may be in love with you,
But for now she isn't allowed to say.
So while she's waiting in the corner
For her life to regain order,
And put you back in your place;
Right next to her,
So she feels safe.
She'll stumble around this broken town
Make-up painted to hide the frown.
The anonymous man she met today
Will help her get from night to day.
She doesn't touch him,
Because she can't.
Just a different man in the room,
And she feels like a tramp.
Her heart is yours,
And its plain to see;
No one else matters to her,
She believes you're meant to be.
Try as she might to just make it through,
She can't imagine her life
Even a day past you.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
unoriginal blog part twenty-four.
The more I get to know some people, the more I wish I didn't have to, and the more I don't want to be anything like them.
I hope I never turn out like them.
I'm sure we all have people in our lives that we see, and then know exactly who we never want to become.
Don't deny it.
I am really hoping to be moving soon.
If everything works out, it should be amazing.
I am also getting intimidated by the number of my friends getting married and reproducing.
They are my age, and I can't imagine anything like that for years, if ever.
Even working in a bridal shop isn't making me want to get married, it makes me think the dresses are pretty, but, that's pretty much the extent of it.
I told you how I feel.
I showed you my soul.
You reciprocated in your true fashion, and made me smile.
You always make me smile.
Even after I get horrible news, or feel completely lost and alone, your smile, or your humor brings me back.
You bring me back.
Thank you.
I can never say that enough.
I have been quite inspired lately, so, as per my new usual, here are some poems.
I am exactly who
They always said I'd be.
Somewhere between sane
And solidarity.
Drugged up on love,
Or the fantasy of how I thought it'd be.
And now there's no escape
From the hold you have on me.
The painted picture
Of what I could have been
Above the couch
In their stark white den.
They were so proud
And least they were back then,
But now its clouded,
I've become a different woman.
The dream we had
Back when we called it love,
It was me and you,
And we could rise above.
I'm still here,
If you want to open up,
And here I'll stay
Because love is tough.
I'll extend my hand
And watch your fingers take mine.
Below the trees,
We can forget the time.
Lie there for days,
Inhale the warming shine.
Please stay with me,
While we cross this line.
And, one that I wrote that pertains to the beginning of this post.
There's something inside of you
I'd rather not see.
Its everything about you
That I never want to be
You can call it love
And say we're family;
But what I know to be true
Is you don't care too much for me.
I have learned to stop caring,
Because it wont help either way.
While you're pretending to have hearts,
We are just drifting away.
So please tell me once more
While your painted smile is still fresh;
Why you think you're something special,
When your life is really a mess?
I hope I never turn out like them.
I'm sure we all have people in our lives that we see, and then know exactly who we never want to become.
Don't deny it.
I am really hoping to be moving soon.
If everything works out, it should be amazing.
I am also getting intimidated by the number of my friends getting married and reproducing.
They are my age, and I can't imagine anything like that for years, if ever.
Even working in a bridal shop isn't making me want to get married, it makes me think the dresses are pretty, but, that's pretty much the extent of it.
I told you how I feel.
I showed you my soul.
You reciprocated in your true fashion, and made me smile.
You always make me smile.
Even after I get horrible news, or feel completely lost and alone, your smile, or your humor brings me back.
You bring me back.
Thank you.
I can never say that enough.
I have been quite inspired lately, so, as per my new usual, here are some poems.
I am exactly who
They always said I'd be.
Somewhere between sane
And solidarity.
Drugged up on love,
Or the fantasy of how I thought it'd be.
And now there's no escape
From the hold you have on me.
The painted picture
Of what I could have been
Above the couch
In their stark white den.
They were so proud
And least they were back then,
But now its clouded,
I've become a different woman.
The dream we had
Back when we called it love,
It was me and you,
And we could rise above.
I'm still here,
If you want to open up,
And here I'll stay
Because love is tough.
I'll extend my hand
And watch your fingers take mine.
Below the trees,
We can forget the time.
Lie there for days,
Inhale the warming shine.
Please stay with me,
While we cross this line.
And, one that I wrote that pertains to the beginning of this post.
There's something inside of you
I'd rather not see.
Its everything about you
That I never want to be
You can call it love
And say we're family;
But what I know to be true
Is you don't care too much for me.
I have learned to stop caring,
Because it wont help either way.
While you're pretending to have hearts,
We are just drifting away.
So please tell me once more
While your painted smile is still fresh;
Why you think you're something special,
When your life is really a mess?
Friday, February 5, 2010
unoriginal blog part twenty-three.
I really hate feeling guilty about things I have absolutely no control over.
Don't tell me you miss me, and that you want me to come home, and wish I would come visit you more, when you never come to see me either.
Your schedule is much more flexible than mine is.
Whereas I may only have a few extra hours here and there, that driving to see you, and driving back would take most of, you have much more time, and you could be on your way while I'm finishing up whatever I'm doing.
Don't get me wrong, I miss her too, and I wish I could see her more, but, guilt tripping me into spending my last $10, and my only day off, to drive to your house, and watch you go about your daily life isn't always something I can do.
(Mom, if you ever read this, I'm sorry, and you know I love you.)
Aside from that, I have been feeling pretty mundane.
I hate that I go from up up up to just existing so many times in a week.
Its rather exhausting.
Today would have been eight years had I stayed with him. In ten days I will have been four years without him. These have been the longest, most stressful, most exciting, and best years. I couldn't have had any of that with him. I am so happy to barely know him now. And it helps I got to see you today, just to really absorb the drastic change I've seen in four years.
I will be somehow celebrating my 4 year anniversary to myself on the 15th. It will be joyous.
This time, I am going to post two poems, because I don't really know if I like one of them, and I can't decide which one to post.
"While I realize that to you I may have nothing,
I have it all inside.
Lots of love to share with you,
And lots of tears I don't care to hide.
The best friends I have ever met,
And someone who doesn't have to say a word.
I understand I may be in debt,
But with this, I am less concerned."
She looks back up from her work,
To see the green of the world he's hidden in his eyes,
Her eyes shift in that nervous quirk,
She'd never tell a lie.
(He is her someone.)
"I fall down a lot,
But I always get back up,
Skinned knees to tell the tale.
My bandaids heal more than the cut,
Don't pretend you don't care."
He finally looks at her
And realizes something
He has never seen before.
He stared into two grey-blue seas
Set a little too far apart on her face.
Looked at her parted lips,
That were a bit out of place;
Noticed the freckle on her nose,
And her cheeks that would match a rose,
All this time he hadn't seen,
The soul hidden behind.
"When you look at me like that,
I know what you want to say.
Don't worry about it today, baby,
Your eyes told me it's okay."
So she set her hand on his,
And kissed his scruffy cheek,
The sea met the world today,
If they're eyes could only speak.
And, here's the other one.
I have nothing more to tell you
Nothing you don't already know.
And even if I don't say it, baby,
This is something the whole world knows.
Every touch is electric.
Every kiss better than sin.
I have never experienced anything like this,
And I'm glad I let you in.
Things from my past
Were very come and go
While you were stop and stay,
And although we've had some ups and downs,
You are well worth the wait.
Even if I was told I shouldn't,
I don't do as I am told,
Because the love I carry just for you,
Has left me feeling bold.
Instead I'll do what I do best,
And keep my eyes on the prize.
And my what a prize you are.
Don't tell me you miss me, and that you want me to come home, and wish I would come visit you more, when you never come to see me either.
Your schedule is much more flexible than mine is.
Whereas I may only have a few extra hours here and there, that driving to see you, and driving back would take most of, you have much more time, and you could be on your way while I'm finishing up whatever I'm doing.
Don't get me wrong, I miss her too, and I wish I could see her more, but, guilt tripping me into spending my last $10, and my only day off, to drive to your house, and watch you go about your daily life isn't always something I can do.
(Mom, if you ever read this, I'm sorry, and you know I love you.)
Aside from that, I have been feeling pretty mundane.
I hate that I go from up up up to just existing so many times in a week.
Its rather exhausting.
Today would have been eight years had I stayed with him. In ten days I will have been four years without him. These have been the longest, most stressful, most exciting, and best years. I couldn't have had any of that with him. I am so happy to barely know him now. And it helps I got to see you today, just to really absorb the drastic change I've seen in four years.
I will be somehow celebrating my 4 year anniversary to myself on the 15th. It will be joyous.
This time, I am going to post two poems, because I don't really know if I like one of them, and I can't decide which one to post.
"While I realize that to you I may have nothing,
I have it all inside.
Lots of love to share with you,
And lots of tears I don't care to hide.
The best friends I have ever met,
And someone who doesn't have to say a word.
I understand I may be in debt,
But with this, I am less concerned."
She looks back up from her work,
To see the green of the world he's hidden in his eyes,
Her eyes shift in that nervous quirk,
She'd never tell a lie.
(He is her someone.)
"I fall down a lot,
But I always get back up,
Skinned knees to tell the tale.
My bandaids heal more than the cut,
Don't pretend you don't care."
He finally looks at her
And realizes something
He has never seen before.
He stared into two grey-blue seas
Set a little too far apart on her face.
Looked at her parted lips,
That were a bit out of place;
Noticed the freckle on her nose,
And her cheeks that would match a rose,
All this time he hadn't seen,
The soul hidden behind.
"When you look at me like that,
I know what you want to say.
Don't worry about it today, baby,
Your eyes told me it's okay."
So she set her hand on his,
And kissed his scruffy cheek,
The sea met the world today,
If they're eyes could only speak.
And, here's the other one.
I have nothing more to tell you
Nothing you don't already know.
And even if I don't say it, baby,
This is something the whole world knows.
Every touch is electric.
Every kiss better than sin.
I have never experienced anything like this,
And I'm glad I let you in.
Things from my past
Were very come and go
While you were stop and stay,
And although we've had some ups and downs,
You are well worth the wait.
Even if I was told I shouldn't,
I don't do as I am told,
Because the love I carry just for you,
Has left me feeling bold.
Instead I'll do what I do best,
And keep my eyes on the prize.
And my what a prize you are.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
unoriginal blog part twenty-two.
Although there are many aspects of my life where things could be seen as "falling apart"
I haven't been this happy in too long.
Part is thanks to you, part to my amazing friends, but a large chunk of the congratulations, is coming straight to me.
I've been in control of my own life, for the most part.
And, thats not to say I haven't made any bad decisions, because, I have.
But, I haven't ruined my life, and the people I love are still here, and what I have screwed up on hasn't affected anyone else.
So what if I'm broke, thats why I got another job.
So what if I didn't do the dishes today, I can do them tomorrow.
I am happy.
You make me happy.
(I'm glad you like my cooking.)
But most importantly, I make me happy.
After this past week or so, I've been on top of the world.
And, there hasn't really been any huge things to put me there, its just the little things most people take for granted.
Like a look, or a smile, that says more than words will ever express.
Also, I got a new tattoo, and oh man I love it.
And, it leaves me thinking ink, and what I want next, and where to put it.
Tattoos really are addicting.
And, to keep with this new thing I'm trying, heres a poem I wrote the other day.
She was bursting at the seams
With excitement,
And untouchable dreams.
She couldn't remember ever feeling so alive;
And for the life of me,
Neither could I.
Every broken promise flew out the window of her car.
Pain was just a demon
Who had helped her get this far.
She was flying high,
On her way to see him,
Lusting at the sky.
Not dwelling on her past,
No one could have seen
She was headed for a crash.
Thoughts of summers filled her;
The tire swing they'd hang,
The houses they'd move to, and from,
And the children they would name.
The pets they'd have,
The tears they'd share,
When she noticed something off.
That truck shouldn't be there,
And she was going too fast to stop.
The day she'd figured her life out,
Was the day it came to an end.
I have heard stories of his face
When he learned of the crash.
Now that is all I can imagine,
While sifting through the ash.
I haven't been this happy in too long.
Part is thanks to you, part to my amazing friends, but a large chunk of the congratulations, is coming straight to me.
I've been in control of my own life, for the most part.
And, thats not to say I haven't made any bad decisions, because, I have.
But, I haven't ruined my life, and the people I love are still here, and what I have screwed up on hasn't affected anyone else.
So what if I'm broke, thats why I got another job.
So what if I didn't do the dishes today, I can do them tomorrow.
I am happy.
You make me happy.
(I'm glad you like my cooking.)
But most importantly, I make me happy.
After this past week or so, I've been on top of the world.
And, there hasn't really been any huge things to put me there, its just the little things most people take for granted.
Like a look, or a smile, that says more than words will ever express.
Also, I got a new tattoo, and oh man I love it.
And, it leaves me thinking ink, and what I want next, and where to put it.
Tattoos really are addicting.
And, to keep with this new thing I'm trying, heres a poem I wrote the other day.
She was bursting at the seams
With excitement,
And untouchable dreams.
She couldn't remember ever feeling so alive;
And for the life of me,
Neither could I.
Every broken promise flew out the window of her car.
Pain was just a demon
Who had helped her get this far.
She was flying high,
On her way to see him,
Lusting at the sky.
Not dwelling on her past,
No one could have seen
She was headed for a crash.
Thoughts of summers filled her;
The tire swing they'd hang,
The houses they'd move to, and from,
And the children they would name.
The pets they'd have,
The tears they'd share,
When she noticed something off.
That truck shouldn't be there,
And she was going too fast to stop.
The day she'd figured her life out,
Was the day it came to an end.
I have heard stories of his face
When he learned of the crash.
Now that is all I can imagine,
While sifting through the ash.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
unoriginal blog part twenty-one.
things may be looking up, but that may just be the optimist in me.
i have no expectations on where this is going, only high hopes.
i dont want to be wrong, not on this.
there have been a million times i have wanted to tell you this giant secret, but im afraid now it would just hurt. maybe someday i'll tell you.
(but, probably not.)
i am very excited for tomorrow, then june. everything in between is just going to be a long waiting game.
tomorrow, i get to sign my lease, june i get to move.
then september i may start school. (if everything goes well until then, and i figure out the financial part of it.)
i have been writing more, again. but, i dont like it as much as i have liked some of the other things i wrote last year.
or maybe i am just becoming more critical of myself.
(and just in case you ever read this, when you asked me the other night how that would help me more than cough syrup. it did. it always will.)
A recent poem. Just because I think I should start doing this more.
All I can think of
Is how we met
My voice started to quiver,
And my palms to sweat.
Just to think of how much
Life has changed in a year
And during the best times
You were the one near.
Every time you touched me
I could feel myself swoon
Who would think it would end
Who knew it'd be so soon.
The days that I wasted
Not telling you how I felt
I can never get back
And now I'm overcome with regret.
I wish I had told you
Each and every day
How much you mean to me
There are so many things I want to say.
Still when I see you
My heart thinks its a race
It beats so quickly,
I can feel the blood rushing to my face.
My knees start to shake
And I feel myself grow faint.
The only thing that saves me now
Is a leap of faith.
So I take down my layers
Built with years of pride and tears,
Standing naked in front of you,
I've conquered all my fears.
See my life sprawled on the floor.
Meet your eyes with mine,
If just for the chance
To feel our souls bind.
Now, baby, please just tell me this,
Did you feel it, too?
i have no expectations on where this is going, only high hopes.
i dont want to be wrong, not on this.
there have been a million times i have wanted to tell you this giant secret, but im afraid now it would just hurt. maybe someday i'll tell you.
(but, probably not.)
i am very excited for tomorrow, then june. everything in between is just going to be a long waiting game.
tomorrow, i get to sign my lease, june i get to move.
then september i may start school. (if everything goes well until then, and i figure out the financial part of it.)
i have been writing more, again. but, i dont like it as much as i have liked some of the other things i wrote last year.
or maybe i am just becoming more critical of myself.
(and just in case you ever read this, when you asked me the other night how that would help me more than cough syrup. it did. it always will.)
A recent poem. Just because I think I should start doing this more.
All I can think of
Is how we met
My voice started to quiver,
And my palms to sweat.
Just to think of how much
Life has changed in a year
And during the best times
You were the one near.
Every time you touched me
I could feel myself swoon
Who would think it would end
Who knew it'd be so soon.
The days that I wasted
Not telling you how I felt
I can never get back
And now I'm overcome with regret.
I wish I had told you
Each and every day
How much you mean to me
There are so many things I want to say.
Still when I see you
My heart thinks its a race
It beats so quickly,
I can feel the blood rushing to my face.
My knees start to shake
And I feel myself grow faint.
The only thing that saves me now
Is a leap of faith.
So I take down my layers
Built with years of pride and tears,
Standing naked in front of you,
I've conquered all my fears.
See my life sprawled on the floor.
Meet your eyes with mine,
If just for the chance
To feel our souls bind.
Now, baby, please just tell me this,
Did you feel it, too?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
