unoriginal blog part thirty.

Just like I said, March is my month.
It always starts off horribly, but ends better than I can imagine.
Not only does everything appear to be falling perfectly into place, its doing it with ease.
I am so happy.

I moved.

I told you.
You told me.

My cat isn't too happy, but she just hates moving.
Sorry kitty, we're doing it again in a month.

Also, I believe I am a creeper magnet. It just is something in my DNA I guess.
Bleh.

Oh, and I'm sick of having allergies. Really. I'd like to keep my voice, and not sneeze every three seconds, thanks.

I am so happy.
And, I'd like to think I have a lot of myself to thank for it this time.
I have decided to start treating myself just half as well as I treat everyone else, and I feel great.
You help. You make me feel special, and important.

There are things I never thought I would share with someone. Things I never thought I would feel, and things I never thought I would experience.
And then I met you.
And, wow.
My life completely changed.
In so many ways. I can't even imagine not knowing you.
Not having had you for the last year.
I would be a completely different person.

You've saved me.

I have the worlds greatest friends.

I'm just on this incredible high right now.

I don't know if I've written anything since my last post, because I've been so busy.
But, I can probably dig up some more old stuff.

You smile like you’ve never seen pain,
Your cheeks have never been wet,
Even in rain.

The smile in your eyes is so juvenile,
And if you don’t mind,
I’d like to sit and stare a while.

The heat of your lips
Could melt ice caps,
And I’d like to take a sip.

I’d like to live vicariously
Through your guitar.
Watch you strum so elegantly.
The sounds only go so far.

The tone of your words
Could speak to the deaf.

I’d like to take your hand in mine,
And stay this way until death
(do us part)
And we all know for some people,
That’s just the start.

I have put it all out there.
Now, I wait.


I have my brothers for a few days, they make everything better.
Not that anything is bad right now, because everything is the best its been in a long time, but this just makes it even better.
Those boys are my entire world.

I also have a lot of packing and cleaning to do in the next couple of days, and I need to find a place to put some of my stuff. Hopefully this goes smoothly.

I can't stop thinking about you. You made the last week perfect, and you made my birthday a day that I will never forget.
You make me happier than I thought I could be.

Never change.

You're like my own personal drug
Only better.
An addiction I'll hold
And always remember
Struggling for strength
Outside of your touch
I believe you're an addiction
That I'll never give up.
I soak it all in
Every chance that I get
And I'll take everything from you
A life of no regrets.
You're something I can't quit
And we've gone too far
But there's no end in sight
Its going past an addiction
And turning in to something I need.

unoriginal blog part twenty-nine.

There are so many amazing songs out there, and so many breath taking lyrics, I wish I could write like these people.

I've had a pretty great last few days.
Aside from working 10+ hours of overtime, and being physically exhausted, mentally, I don't remember ever feeling so alive.
ALIVE.
That's how we should all be living our life.
Every day ends.
Everyone dies.
Every feeling passes.
You need to live, to experience, to dream.
Dream big, and run towards them.
Alright, now I just sound like a lunatic, but, I'm over it.

You never cease to amaze me, in the best possible ways.
I love waking up with the ability to see your face, and your smile will always warm my soul.
I am madly in love with you.
I just want to say it to you.
I just want to hear the words go between you and me.
You're everything I've ever needed, and everything I've ever wanted.

I'm having dinner with most of my family for my birthday, I'm even excited for it.

I'm very excited for moving next week!
(Its finally happening! I just need a more fuel efficient vehicle.)

And, a poem I wrote the other night:

There's nothing I can do
That doesn't make me think of you
There's no where I can go
That I don't wish you near
Every day we're apart
I dream us together
And every morning should start
With you by my side.
Love's just a word
What matters is what we feel
Why put labels of words
With whats in ones heart
When you smile all I feel
Is my old pains healing
And when you're beside me I absorb
The beat of your heart.

unoriginal blog part twenty-eight.

Every day gives me something new to be happy about. Even the worst days aren't so bad when I look at how bad it could be.
I am so lucky to have the family, and friends that I have found.
I know how naive I must seem, how can someone who has any intelligence be so blissed out in such a crummy time.
I've just learned that I have to deal with things, and that some things are just out of my control, and I just have to make the best of them, and see how I can improve myself, or the lives of those around me, in the process.
And its nice to have people that believe in me, and support me.
You've never once put me down, or discouraged me from a dream.
I would be a fool to not be crazy about you.

And there's my dad, who has stepped up for me more in the past few weeks than I ever thought possible.
The road we've been on hasn't been well paved. And there have been plenty of times I was sure we had hit a dead end. I can never thank him enough.

Its almost my birthday again. I feel like this time last year just happened. And although things are different in every way, March is always my insane month. Where so much changes, and it always ends in the best possible way.
If I get to spend my birthday with you, I don't think it could get any better.

I've also started watching the show "Dead Like Me", and, I'm really liking it.

On a not so good note, I haven't touched my book project in too long. I know what I need to do, and am just, not doing it.
Its stupid.
But, I did send in the registration stuff for school, and have my orientation thinger in June.

Staying positive.

(You're still the creep.)


Here's a couple poems I wrote in December/January:

You've got me on a string

Letting me go,
Just to pull me back in.

It makes it impossible
To move beyond you,
And its looking fairly probable,
That I'm too blind to mind.

Push me out
Pull me back
Baby, this is torture.

If you want to hold me through the night.
Just gain back your composure.

Now I've met some folks
With razor blades
Hidden safely in their coats

They're the type of people
Just itching to cut that rope.

Push me out
Pull me back
Just tell me what you want.

Because every time I think about you
I remember your eyes that haunt me.

And, the next one:

She believes fear is just hate
In a cocktail dress.
She looks in your eyes,
And tells you whats next.
"You look like a fool when you're dressed to impress.
You take what you cant give
And by now you should know
When you're scared of yourself
That's no way to live."
She doesn't know how to hold back her thoughts
And filtering her beliefs
Just leaves her distraught.

She wishes they could see
Exactly what she means.
And that when she gives her heart
The rest of her is left to fall apart.
And when she handed hers to you
Scared to death of what came next
Closed her eyes and turned her head
Cringed for a moment before she said,
"I'll give you this,
If you promise me
That you will always
Be true to me.
Don't be afraid of what we feel
Or life will start
To push us apart.
The distance becomes pain
And pain into hate;
But, baby, we've been brought here
Due to our fate."

The tears in her eyes,
Glistening on her ceek.
How life can change
When two people meet.



I never like my own poems.

unoriginal blog part twenty-seven.

I can't even keep control over my own thoughts.
They always wander to the same place, every single time, my mind runs to thoughts of you.
It doesn't matter what else I'm doing, or how important what I'm trying to concentrate on is.
That's creepy, but I'm over it.

Really, if you think about it, this whole blog thing I have going on here is pretty creepy. I just talk about you, and how I feel about you, all the time.
And occasionally something about my cat, or my desire to change addresses frequently.
But, as I said, if I'm talking, or typing, or thinking, the same thing pulls my focus, so its obviously going to be mentioned.

I don't know how I feel about the poetry I've been writing lately.
I almost feel like I'm regressing. :/

I may edit it and take these poems out.

He's fallen below
Every place he wanted to go
And what she still doesn't know
Is how?

She's been pushed to the side
Just tries to find somewhere to hide
But we all know paths collide
Just not why.

They stumbled into each other
While masked, and undercover
Of years and wondering
What next?

Together, or apart
They have learned from their hearts
And received a fresh start
Starting now.

He stepped up above
She flies like a dove
And all from their love,
Just their love.


And:
I don't know where I'm headed
Just where I'm coming from,
I do know who I am today,
But not who I will become.
I can only give you what I have,
And all I have is me.
If that isn't good enough,
Baby, set me free.

I can't tell you what comes next,
Or where tomorrow will end,
All I know is what I need,
And that's the love of a friend.
A year ago I felt your touch,
And I felt my whole life change.
Your eyes set my world on fire,
And saved me from this cage.

Yesterday means nothing
Without the promise of today,
And tomorrow is another chance
To convince you to stay.

(I'm not so much liking the second one especially right now.)

Anyway, yeah.
I hope I'm not alone, or a major creeper in this feeling.
But, since you know exactly how I feel, and don't stop me, or give me any indication I'm alone on this, or incorrect about anything, I feel pretty good about it all.

Also, I'm almost starting to not hate driving around in the minivan. Except the whole parking, and reversing thing.
And that there are so many little toys from my brothers in the back that I can hear them moving as I turn corners.
But, I am very excited for them to come visit.
(They want to see you.)

I can't believe its almost my birthday again. It feels like this time last year just happened.
Wow. In one year, almost exactly, so much has changed.
And I still believe now what I could only hope for then.
(I love you.)

unoriginal blog part twenty-six.

I am sitting in my bedroom, on my cracked laptop that is running out of battery, watching RENT, and not really sure of what happens next.
I know where I want life to take me, and I know what I would like to happen next, but, thats not where its headed.
Not right now at least.
Its scary waking up wondering what is going to happen next. Exhilarating to a point, but mainly just terrifying.

This is going to be really lame, but I don't even care. I have a lot I need to say, and I don't even care who sees it. Just thinking about these things isn't enough anymore. I need to get them out, and my notebook just wouldn't cut it. I am allowing myself to be vulnerable right now, and hoping I don't get burned in the end.
On days I know I'll get to see you, time goes slower than I ever thought it could.
When I'm within ten minutes of your exit my stomach is tying itself in knots.
The closer I get to your road, the more my palms sweat, and my heart races.
And then I see you.
And its just this giant inner burst of excitement and complete adoration, and the only thing I can do is smile and sheepishly say hi, because if you knew the emotions I held in, it may scare you away.
After almost a year of being madly in love with you, the feelings still terrify me.
Since the first night we kissed I have known there is no other person I'd rather spend my time with; good times, or bad.
No one else has ever made me feel anything like this.

Wow, I didn't expect that all to come out tonight, or ever, for that matter.

Its been a rough week, but since mid-afternoon yesterday, it appears my luck may be changing to the good side for once.
I hope it continues on the incline. I can't believe how screwed up everything got.
At least I got to see how far some people who genuinely care about me are willing to go, I just hope I can show them all how much I appreciate them.
If you're reading this, you're probably one of the people I appreciate.

Today I got a chance to get to know my oldest brother a little better, and it feels great. Granted it was a bit of small talk at first, I got to see some of the things he was passionate about, and talk to him about them. We only had a few minutes, but it was great.

And, I love my new job, and it seems to be going great. :)
I get along with everyone, and I'm doing well on my sales.

I don't have a poem that I feel like sharing on hand, so I will leave some lyrics that I just heard while writing this.


I found you!
I found you on the way to meet you...