unoriginal blog part thirty-five.

I'm like a jellyfish, in that I have no backbone.

One day, I'll stand up for myself.
One day, I'll put me first.
One day, I'll be the main character of my own book.
(But I'm not holding my breath.)

I really thought I was moving forward, and growing up, and getting there; and today I realized I'm just really good at tricking myself.
If I could manipulate other peoples minds as easily as I can manipulate my own, I would have everything I've ever wanted, and more, and no one would even realize I was doing it. I'm quite glad I can't do that though.

I'm not even sure what my problem is this time, but, I generally don't. I just slip into this. This horrible funk. No trigger. No warning. No reasonable explanation.
Just, bam.
And then Jenn's depressed.

The worst part is knowing ways to help myself feel better, and knowing they are unattainable.
So I'll just hide out in my room until work tomorrow, and tell everyone I'm just too tired to go out.

I also believe retail therapy has the opposite effect on me.
I think when I buy things, I just feel shitty.
I hate vanity, but I'm becoming vain.

I am also very tired of feeling inadequate in everything I do.
I'll never be good enough for myself, or anyone else, in my own eyes.

I want more tattoos.

I want to smile right now, but I feel more like crying.
This whole day I've just felt off.
I want to be myself again.
The better version of myself.
The happy version.

I've been trying my hardest to not mention you at all, apparently, I'm incapable.
I'd like to think about you less.
I'd like to miss you less.
I'd like to need you less.
I don't really want any of that, but I wish I did. It would make everything easier.
Me claiming to be stupid for you really is the best way I can describe it.

I'm on an Ingrid Michaelson kick right now. I love her music, but I don't much like how I have to be feeling to be listening to her this much.


breathe it all in
this is what i came here for
the feel of your skin
and hoping to see you once more
tomorrow isnt guaranteed
today could be our last chance
ive learned to take your love in stride
while waiting for you to take a stance
the day may never come
but i still believe
that you're the one
and waiting is just something
that has to be done
i'll walk alone and in the rain
i'll take the love
and take the pain
hopeful of what the future brings
but knowing the whole time
it only takes a moment to change everything
i will not dwell on the past
or worry each day
will be our last
cross my heart
and hope to die
they will never
see me cry

........................................................................


slipping and sliding
your lifetime's just gliding
trip on the crack
broke mothers back
fell to the floor
got kicked out the door
no one behind you
and nothing ahead
they call you a sinner
you'd rather be dead
your chin to your chest
you've all but regressed
and to think
what comes next
they decide