Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with my life.
I wonder if I'm making the right decisions, if I'm off the proper path, if I'm failing.
I'm 23. Not married. No kids. No prospects for either of those happening in the near future, and not minding.
I work dead end jobs.
I drive a beater.
I pay rent somewhere that doesn't even feel like home, and spend all my time somewhere else. (That does feel like home.)

Then I think to how happy I am. I realize that smiles and love is worth more than a dollar, and I feel like maybe I'm going to be alright.
Maybe I am on the proper path for myself, and although it may not be the path everyone believes I should take, I don't mind.

When I wake up, I see a reason to smile.
When I fall, I know I have someone there to catch me.
I may not be able to buy nice things, but I don't need nice things to be happy.

I'm starting school soon enough, and although I may be years behind most people my age, I feel I've chosen something that will make me happier in the long run, and don't regret it.

Its been, in a large part, a thanks to the people who raised me, and shown me that even if its not like everything else, it can still be beautiful.
Even if its not where you're 'supposed to be', it can still be where you're meant to be.

"Oh as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive."

I hate to admit it, but you terrify me.
More than anyone or anything ever has before.

Every day I'm afraid it's all just going to disappear.
I don't want to worry about what happens next, I want to live in the now, but every time I do, the possibility of the future puts me back in my place.

Lately everything has been amazing, and I am afraid of that changing.

I feel I can really only blame myself; if this is what it takes to love you, then I will continue on.

Hearing you say "I love you" still gives me this feeling deep inside of me that I'd never felt before I met you.

It's scary to think how one person can have such an effect on your life.
Even after all the time I've spent with you, I'm not used to it.
(I hope I never get used to it.)

In things unrelated to my heart:
My roommates are dropping like flies.
Two of the original four that signed the lease have since backed out, we did find replacements, so no harm there.
I also am thinking about looking for a job closer to home.
Although I really enjoy what I do, I could find something else that I like closer, and then I wouldn't have to drive.
I don't really like driving.
I like it an exponential amount more than I used to, but I'd still rather avoid it if I can.

As I was driving home from work today, I took a few minutes to seriously consider the path that my life is taking, and I've decided that I am now, and have for a while been happier than I ever have before in my life.
I'm not going to say its thanks to you, or my job, or anything else.
Its because of how everything is working.

I also decided I think I'm going to give up on that whole book idea.
Realistically, I will never think I'm good enough, and I don't need to see myself fail more to know that.

School is still a thing I really want to happen.
I am so afraid that its not going to work out, and I'm going to be stuck in sales jobs for the rest of my life.
I hate sales.
I want to teach.





I don't want to be afraid anymore.