Its been a while.
So much has changed, yet everything is exactly the same.
I got another job.
I have also realized that whenever life becomes too much for me to handle, or things are happening that I can't control, and don't want to deal with, I dive head first into anything that can make me escape my own reality.
Point and case: work.
No one needs three jobs.
No one needs to work all day, every day.
People need people to care about, and to care about them.
A job will never fulfill me, but it can occupy my mind so I don't have to think about life.
I can't bear to think about how my life would be without the option of seeing her.
So, instead of going to see her at what could be some of my last opportunities, I got another job.
Thus, giving me a 'valid' excuse to the rest of the family as to why I'm not driving just over an hour to go see her.
I can't do it alone, but I don't want to burden someone else with having to hold my hand through it.
What if she doesn't remember me soon?
What if I walk in to her room, and she looks confused?
What if I never get the chance to walk into a room and see her again?
Why am I so petrified of this?
She is supposed to be invincible, not fragile.
She is supposed to see me get married, and have children; if I ever decide to do those things with my life.
And even if I don't, she's supposed to see me decide not to.
She's supposed to meet the man I love, and give me her approval.
She's supposed to see the owl.

What if I wait too long?


I don't want to think about this, but I can't think about anything else.
I can find something to remind me of her in everything I see, and its devastating.
Each and every time.

This wasn't what I had in mind when I started writing tonight.
I was actually feeling okay until I started this.

Since I haven't posted anything in a while, although at this point I'm 99% sure that I'm the only one that remembers I even have this blog, I'll post a poem I wrote recently.

I am my own worst enemy
I just do this to myself
And when the future comes for me
I can only blame myself

I try to give the best advice
But I never heed it myself
So when the world looks past me
I can only blame myself

When I feel alone inside
I only turn to myself
So when I'm alone when I need you most
I can only blame myself

If I can't find the words to say
I don't want to be by myself
And when no one comes to rescue me
I can only blame myself

If I feel like I need rescuing
And I can't do it for myself
If I can't find the courage alone
I can only blame myself

And when you stop loving me
And say 'I need time for myself'
When I've pushed away everything
I can only blame myself