there are a million times every day i just want to tell you that i love you.
and all i really want, is to hear you say it back.
when im alone i look through pictures of you, of us. i watch you play your guitar. i think of the sound of your voice. i think of the way your eyes light up. i remember everything about you, and you give me hope. you give me strength. without even trying, you give me life.

im feeling inspired right now; lets see where it takes me.

unsaid are the things i fear
because it is only in my heart
that i know you are near
miles between us
and the future unknown
all i remember
is with you i am home
too many obstacles
may stand in your way
but i'll stay beside you,
because i know no other way.
i know that with each tomorrow
we get another chance
but i spend every yesterday
dreaming of romance.
im stuck inside myself
trapped within my thoughts
i just want another chance with you
i just want to be included in your plot.

unoriginal blog part twenty-five.

Things may be falling apart a little bit more now than I was ready for, but that just means I have to reevaluate, and be prepared for whatever may come next.
You always have to have a back up plan, and I'm really glad that I realized that a long time ago.

I had a really great weekend, migraine aside, and it was one I wouldn't mind repeating on a more frequent basis. I may not have gotten much sleep, but I did get to see you, more than once.
You still have that look in your eyes when you look at me, and nothing has ever made me feel more safe. Sometimes even in pictures I take of you, I can see it, and it still gives me that feeling in my stomach.

I'm moving soon, very soon. I cannot wait. It will be a further drive to work, but that is the only downfall that I am foreseeing.

There will only be one poem this time, because that's all I feel like typing.

She slips it on
And pulls it back,
Just to bring them home.
Finds the perfect shoes to match
The hole inside her soul.

Affection means something to her
That this line of men never will.
Love had found her before last summer,
And now has left her seeking nightly thrills.

She may be in love with you,
But for now she isn't allowed to say.
So while she's waiting in the corner
For her life to regain order,
And put you back in your place;
Right next to her,
So she feels safe.

She'll stumble around this broken town
Make-up painted to hide the frown.
The anonymous man she met today
Will help her get from night to day.

She doesn't touch him,
Because she can't.
Just a different man in the room,
And she feels like a tramp.

Her heart is yours,
And its plain to see;
No one else matters to her,
She believes you're meant to be.
Try as she might to just make it through,
She can't imagine her life
Even a day past you.

unoriginal blog part twenty-four.

The more I get to know some people, the more I wish I didn't have to, and the more I don't want to be anything like them.
I hope I never turn out like them.
I'm sure we all have people in our lives that we see, and then know exactly who we never want to become.
Don't deny it.

I am really hoping to be moving soon.
If everything works out, it should be amazing.

I am also getting intimidated by the number of my friends getting married and reproducing.
They are my age, and I can't imagine anything like that for years, if ever.
Even working in a bridal shop isn't making me want to get married, it makes me think the dresses are pretty, but, that's pretty much the extent of it.

I told you how I feel.
I showed you my soul.
You reciprocated in your true fashion, and made me smile.
You always make me smile.
Even after I get horrible news, or feel completely lost and alone, your smile, or your humor brings me back.
You bring me back.
Thank you.
I can never say that enough.

I have been quite inspired lately, so, as per my new usual, here are some poems.

I am exactly who
They always said I'd be.
Somewhere between sane
And solidarity.
Drugged up on love,
Or the fantasy of how I thought it'd be.
And now there's no escape
From the hold you have on me.

The painted picture
Of what I could have been
Above the couch
In their stark white den.
They were so proud
And least they were back then,
But now its clouded,
I've become a different woman.

The dream we had
Back when we called it love,
It was me and you,
And we could rise above.
I'm still here,
If you want to open up,
And here I'll stay
Because love is tough.

I'll extend my hand
And watch your fingers take mine.
Below the trees,
We can forget the time.
Lie there for days,
Inhale the warming shine.
Please stay with me,
While we cross this line.

And, one that I wrote that pertains to the beginning of this post.

There's something inside of you
I'd rather not see.
Its everything about you
That I never want to be

You can call it love
And say we're family;
But what I know to be true
Is you don't care too much for me.

I have learned to stop caring,
Because it wont help either way.
While you're pretending to have hearts,
We are just drifting away.

So please tell me once more
While your painted smile is still fresh;
Why you think you're something special,
When your life is really a mess?

unoriginal blog part twenty-three.

I really hate feeling guilty about things I have absolutely no control over.
Don't tell me you miss me, and that you want me to come home, and wish I would come visit you more, when you never come to see me either.
Your schedule is much more flexible than mine is.
Whereas I may only have a few extra hours here and there, that driving to see you, and driving back would take most of, you have much more time, and you could be on your way while I'm finishing up whatever I'm doing.
Don't get me wrong, I miss her too, and I wish I could see her more, but, guilt tripping me into spending my last $10, and my only day off, to drive to your house, and watch you go about your daily life isn't always something I can do.
(Mom, if you ever read this, I'm sorry, and you know I love you.)

Aside from that, I have been feeling pretty mundane.
I hate that I go from up up up to just existing so many times in a week.
Its rather exhausting.

Today would have been eight years had I stayed with him. In ten days I will have been four years without him. These have been the longest, most stressful, most exciting, and best years. I couldn't have had any of that with him. I am so happy to barely know him now. And it helps I got to see you today, just to really absorb the drastic change I've seen in four years.
I will be somehow celebrating my 4 year anniversary to myself on the 15th. It will be joyous.

This time, I am going to post two poems, because I don't really know if I like one of them, and I can't decide which one to post.

"While I realize that to you I may have nothing,
I have it all inside.
Lots of love to share with you,
And lots of tears I don't care to hide.
The best friends I have ever met,
And someone who doesn't have to say a word.
I understand I may be in debt,
But with this, I am less concerned."

She looks back up from her work,
To see the green of the world he's hidden in his eyes,
Her eyes shift in that nervous quirk,
She'd never tell a lie.

(He is her someone.)

"I fall down a lot,
But I always get back up,
Skinned knees to tell the tale.
My bandaids heal more than the cut,
Don't pretend you don't care."

He finally looks at her
And realizes something
He has never seen before.
He stared into two grey-blue seas
Set a little too far apart on her face.
Looked at her parted lips,
That were a bit out of place;
Noticed the freckle on her nose,
And her cheeks that would match a rose,
All this time he hadn't seen,
The soul hidden behind.

"When you look at me like that,
I know what you want to say.
Don't worry about it today, baby,
Your eyes told me it's okay."

So she set her hand on his,
And kissed his scruffy cheek,
The sea met the world today,
If they're eyes could only speak.

And, here's the other one.

I have nothing more to tell you
Nothing you don't already know.
And even if I don't say it, baby,
This is something the whole world knows.

Every touch is electric.
Every kiss better than sin.
I have never experienced anything like this,
And I'm glad I let you in.

Things from my past
Were very come and go
While you were stop and stay,
And although we've had some ups and downs,
You are well worth the wait.

Even if I was told I shouldn't,
I don't do as I am told,
Because the love I carry just for you,
Has left me feeling bold.

Instead I'll do what I do best,
And keep my eyes on the prize.
And my what a prize you are.

unoriginal blog part twenty-two.

Although there are many aspects of my life where things could be seen as "falling apart"
I haven't been this happy in too long.

Part is thanks to you, part to my amazing friends, but a large chunk of the congratulations, is coming straight to me.
I've been in control of my own life, for the most part.
And, thats not to say I haven't made any bad decisions, because, I have.
But, I haven't ruined my life, and the people I love are still here, and what I have screwed up on hasn't affected anyone else.
So what if I'm broke, thats why I got another job.
So what if I didn't do the dishes today, I can do them tomorrow.

I am happy.
You make me happy.

(I'm glad you like my cooking.)

But most importantly, I make me happy.

After this past week or so, I've been on top of the world.
And, there hasn't really been any huge things to put me there, its just the little things most people take for granted.
Like a look, or a smile, that says more than words will ever express.

Also, I got a new tattoo, and oh man I love it.
And, it leaves me thinking ink, and what I want next, and where to put it.
Tattoos really are addicting.

And, to keep with this new thing I'm trying, heres a poem I wrote the other day.


She was bursting at the seams
With excitement,
And untouchable dreams.
She couldn't remember ever feeling so alive;
And for the life of me,
Neither could I.

Every broken promise flew out the window of her car.
Pain was just a demon
Who had helped her get this far.
She was flying high,
On her way to see him,
Lusting at the sky.
Not dwelling on her past,
No one could have seen
She was headed for a crash.

Thoughts of summers filled her;
The tire swing they'd hang,
The houses they'd move to, and from,
And the children they would name.
The pets they'd have,
The tears they'd share,
When she noticed something off.
That truck shouldn't be there,
And she was going too fast to stop.

The day she'd figured her life out,
Was the day it came to an end.
I have heard stories of his face
When he learned of the crash.
Now that is all I can imagine,
While sifting through the ash.