unoriginal blog part thirty-five.

I'm like a jellyfish, in that I have no backbone.

One day, I'll stand up for myself.
One day, I'll put me first.
One day, I'll be the main character of my own book.
(But I'm not holding my breath.)

I really thought I was moving forward, and growing up, and getting there; and today I realized I'm just really good at tricking myself.
If I could manipulate other peoples minds as easily as I can manipulate my own, I would have everything I've ever wanted, and more, and no one would even realize I was doing it. I'm quite glad I can't do that though.

I'm not even sure what my problem is this time, but, I generally don't. I just slip into this. This horrible funk. No trigger. No warning. No reasonable explanation.
Just, bam.
And then Jenn's depressed.

The worst part is knowing ways to help myself feel better, and knowing they are unattainable.
So I'll just hide out in my room until work tomorrow, and tell everyone I'm just too tired to go out.

I also believe retail therapy has the opposite effect on me.
I think when I buy things, I just feel shitty.
I hate vanity, but I'm becoming vain.

I am also very tired of feeling inadequate in everything I do.
I'll never be good enough for myself, or anyone else, in my own eyes.

I want more tattoos.

I want to smile right now, but I feel more like crying.
This whole day I've just felt off.
I want to be myself again.
The better version of myself.
The happy version.

I've been trying my hardest to not mention you at all, apparently, I'm incapable.
I'd like to think about you less.
I'd like to miss you less.
I'd like to need you less.
I don't really want any of that, but I wish I did. It would make everything easier.
Me claiming to be stupid for you really is the best way I can describe it.

I'm on an Ingrid Michaelson kick right now. I love her music, but I don't much like how I have to be feeling to be listening to her this much.


breathe it all in
this is what i came here for
the feel of your skin
and hoping to see you once more
tomorrow isnt guaranteed
today could be our last chance
ive learned to take your love in stride
while waiting for you to take a stance
the day may never come
but i still believe
that you're the one
and waiting is just something
that has to be done
i'll walk alone and in the rain
i'll take the love
and take the pain
hopeful of what the future brings
but knowing the whole time
it only takes a moment to change everything
i will not dwell on the past
or worry each day
will be our last
cross my heart
and hope to die
they will never
see me cry

........................................................................


slipping and sliding
your lifetime's just gliding
trip on the crack
broke mothers back
fell to the floor
got kicked out the door
no one behind you
and nothing ahead
they call you a sinner
you'd rather be dead
your chin to your chest
you've all but regressed
and to think
what comes next
they decide

unoriginal blog part thirty-four.

I am greatly enjoying my life.
A year ago today, I could say the same, but from a completely different place.
And I was happy, but not anywhere near where I am today.
And although this is not how I pictured spending today when I thought about it last year, it is fitting.
These are the people that we are.
This is who we have become.
This is where we are.

I love the person you're becoming more every day.
And I am proud to say the same of myself.

I can't believe how long I've known you.
Every day feels so new, but I forget that it has been such a short time that I have known you.
That doesn't make much sense, but it does to me.
I want to know how you do it.
How you make me feel so incredible, and free, and safe, and childlike.
How can I still get that feeling in my stomach when you touch me like its the first time, while knowing and trusting you so completely that life before you seems like an entirely different lifetime?

The other night when I almost left, I really wanted to tell you something. This is it:
You are something I am unwilling to give up on. I may make an ass of myself sometimes, and say the wrong thing. I may push you, and apologize. I may stumble over my words. I may say too much, I may not say enough. I may be a bitch, and sometimes I may try to hard to be nice. I may stay too long, and I may leave too early. All of what I do is to let you know I love you, and I am willing to wait a lifetime for you. All of it is to see that smile that makes my knees weak. All of it is for you.

And I say its all for you, but really, it keeps me happy, too.

Enough about that.
(At least for now.)

I get to start moving to my new place in May. I plan on buying lots of cleaning supplies and paint, and start fixing it up after getting paid on Friday.
This excites me greatly.
Although I have a room, and all my things, and my cat here, this isn't really home.
I still refer to this as "Trish's house".
It will be nice to feel like I have a place again.
Not to say I have not been completely welcomed, and don't feel comfortable here, but my room looks like a storage unit, and I am just uneasy being in there for too long. Its entirely too cluttered.

I also am trying to talk myself back into working on the book more.
It may slowly be working.

I also really need to work on my school stuff.
Like, financial aid, and all that crucial stuff.
Woops.


This morning I thought I had lost my notebook. I haven't seen it for over a week, but I hadn't really been looking.
I was panicked. That notebook has everything.
So much of the last year and a half is crammed in that falling apart, and tattered red notebook.
Another downfall to the storage unit/bedroom.
But, I did find it, and all is again right with the world.

And, a poem.

In this place I've never been
Surrounded by people
Who've named themselves friends
Shadows lurk behind every door
You say you're finished
They're just ready for more
Turn around and try to leave
As far as you can get
Before you forget to breathe
Check behind you just in case
You can't get away
They've won this race
Pull you back
And close the door
Strangers start to wonder
Why you don't smile anymore
Your face has changed
You all look the same
You wear an ugly mask
And hide outside the frame
The images blur
While the world is in motion
You have to get out now
You need to start a commotion


I couldn't end that one. I tried like 8 different things, and haven't liked any of them. I need to work on that.

unoriginal blog part thirty-three.

I can't even pretend to be unhappy.
Not that that is something that I would be attempting to pretend.

Aside from the fact that taxes are supposed to be done tomorrow, and I haven't even started, everything is going better than I could have imagined.
And, I may be able to finally replace my laptop screen in the next few weeks.

Apparently, she's following through with her heart diet.
I call her every day and ask her what she's eaten, and what her exercises were for the day.
I feel like I'm the mom, but she can get over it.
She is not someone I am going to lose without a fight.

Work is even going well, and I have a Saturday off.
Like I said, everything is going well.

But, the next time I have to sleep in my own bed is going to be strange.
Its been so long since I've slept alone, or in my own place, and there are so many boxes my room is still more like a storage facility than a room.
Tonight will probably be that night.
I hope my cat doesn't suffocate me in vengeance.

Spending time with you gets better every day.
I don't even mind having to walk a few blocks back and forth to get my stuff.
And the more time I spend with you, the more time I want to spend with you.
Addiction really is the best word.
Someone asked me how I felt about you, if I was in love with you, or what.
Love felt like an understatement.
I believe it's best described as stupid.
I am stupid for you.
And this is absolutely not a complaint/bad thing.

You make me smile more than I have ever smiled before.
The way you touch me, and look at me, I cant even explain what it does to me.

You're my very own drug.

And listening to you play drums, or your guitar inspires me.
You inspire me.



I love finding new music. Or just new songs by old favorites.

I haven't written in a while, nor have I worked on my book.
I have my whole life to do this, right?
Whats the rush?

(If no one has noticed, I procrastinate. A lot.)


I'm writing this right now. I'll probably hate it.

They think they're happy
They believe themselves to be free,
But what they don't know
Is everything I see.

Too young for that color,
To old for that man,
No one stopped to tell them
Life doesn't follow a plan.

She's too young to notice
That he's too young to care,
And when the honeymoon is over
They'll wonder why they're there.

Babies buying dresses,
While grandma picks out shoes.
They will walk down the aisle
Before they've built their views.

Become the person you aspire to be
For no one but yourself.
When you make yourself happy,
You won't waste away on someones shelf.

unoriginal blog part thirty-two.

She's being an idiot about all of this.
She isn't understanding how valuable the time is.
How valuable she is.
She needs to open her eyes, and do what she has said she was going to do for years now.
I don't care what it takes, she needs to stick around.
She claims to know what she's doing, and that everything will be fine, but she's wrong.
If she knew what she was doing, she wouldn't be getting worse.
She doesn't understand the toll it takes on me everyday either.


As for you;
Your roommates keep asking me questions.
Questions I can't answer, as much as I'd like to.
And I don't even know what I want the answer to be.
I've been so blissed out on how things are going, I don't want it to stop.
I don't want it to change, but I guess I want to know I'm not leading myself down a dead end.
But, I trust you, and I don't think you would do that to me.
I believe in you.
I guess I still want to know what comes next, and maybe when that will be.
But I'm too nervous to ask, because as I said, I don't want this to stop.

Waking up to your face every morning is more than I could have dreamed about.
I don't want to lose that.
And as far as I can tell right now, I don't want to ever lose that.

There is going to come a day
When you will realize
You can't imagine your life
Without me sharing every sunrise.

Every chapter you've gone through
Will cease to capture your mind
And you will only look to the writer
To ensure I'm on your side.

Every passing moment
Will be better than the last,
And when you remember to catch your breath
You're not thinking of the past.

When this day greets you
You'll see me waiting there
Arms outreached to greet you,
My fears and inhibitions dissipate into the air.

I will tell you how I've loved you
Since the first time I saw your eyes
Take your hand inside of mine
My emotions won't be compromised.

Sink your feet into the sand
Baby, don't let go of my hand
Unlock your heart and stay by me
(You should know I have never been this happy.)

unoriginal blog part thirty-one.

Some days I feel like everything is wonderful. Nothing can bring me down. Nothing can stop me.

Some days I feel like there is no reason to get out of bed. Nothing to look forward to, and that I have already experienced the best days I will get.

Some days, I have no hope left.

I hate those days.
Sadly, today is one of those days.

Last night I had a couple of heartfelt, and hopeful conversations, and today those have left me feeling empty.
I hate this.

I just want everything to make sense. I just want to know where we go now.
I want there to be a we to step into the future.
(I want that to sound less lame, too.)

On a different topic, I hate this futon.
Its like sleeping on a couch, but worse. And this room is filled with everything I own in boxes, and it gets to stay this way for the next month.
Maybe once I can stretch out in my own bed again, I'll be more able to face everything.
Give me a month, and I should be good as new.
:/

I wish I could get back that hope, and happiness I felt two days ago.
That was inspiring.


I did write two little things that aren't even complete poems today, but I am afraid to post them.
So, I'll post a Frank Sinatra song I heard on the radio on my way home from work tonight.
It made me feel like someone else understood, and is exactly how I feel.


Every kiss, every hug seems to act just like a drug
You're getting to be a habit with me
Let me stay in your arms, I'm addicted to your charms
You're getting to be a habit with me
I used to think your love was something I could take or leave alone
But now I couldn't do without my supply, I need you for my own
Oh, I can't break away, I must have you everyday, as regularly as coffee or tea
You've got me in your clutches and I can't break free,
You're getting to be a habit with me



Every girl just wants someone to love them as much as they love.


____________________________________________________
And then you talk to me, and I have faith in life again.
<3