Maybe I shouldn't have told you.
But wouldn't hiding it have been as bad as lying?
You didn't look at me the same after.
When I see you again, I hope that's different.

I'm going to say a few things that I want.
You'll probably never bring them up to me, but at least you'll know.
One day I want a house, with at least one dog, and you.
I want for you to one day consider again what you asked me in the beginning.
To stay with you, for it to be you and me against the world.
You're the only person I ever want to wake up next to.

Someday, I may ask you to stay with me, and I want you to consider saying yes.
(Stay is the term I am deciding to use today, as opposed to the real word, because I think I've scared you enough for one day.)

I am glad we were able to talk today about what we both would have expected had today turned out differently.

But, since this is the holiday season, you should know I am thankful for you.
Because even though you looked at me different, your eyes didn't change.
And when you kissed me, that hadn't changed.
I understand I scared you, and that will take a bit to process, but I believe we're going to be just fine.
I believe there is nothing standing in our way of staying happy, for the long run.

I want to cook more.
And read more.
And crochet more.

So I think I will.

Why do things that don't actually matter matter?
Why can't I just leave it how it is, and not question it.
There is not a single thing I would change about it, but I still want to ask why its how it is, why I'm where I am, and what it all means to the other party involved.
But, for fear of these questions tainting what I do have, I'll just ignore it, and stay focused on how great it all is.
No use in bringing up something that may change everything for the worse, right?

But what if it didn't? What if it made it better because then it would just be known?
How bold am I feeling?
(Apparently not very.)


You say the most amazing things to me.
The brush of your hand against my back will always make me melt.
I am retardedly in love with you, and I don't care to hide it.

I am your biggest fan.

(I hope you're always by my side.)

Yesterday you asked me how I ever lived without you, and although I know you meant it in a joking context because of the rest of the conversation, the truest answer is this:
I didn't know what I was living without. Had I ever gotten a glimpse of this level of happiness a person can bring to my life, and this amount of love I can feel, and this amount of security, and understanding, life until you would have been much more difficult.


Aside from all that, it's "The Holidays".
Gross.
I like food, don't get me wrong, so Thanksgiving isn't the worst, but I still don't really like it.
And I just dislike Christmas. Hands down, not for me.
It'll all be over soon enough.
And then it will be next year, and then I'll start school.

I want more tattoos.

She's okay.
Happy Birthday everyone, she's absolutely okay!
Hormone therapy is mountains better than chemo therapy.
:)


I really need to take these placement tests.
I really want to get on track, and get my life on track.

Also, I want a new job.

I'm happy though.
I don't know everything, I don't know exactly where I am, or what comes next, but I'm happy.
I received one of the best compliments of my life recently.
I was told that talking to me always puts them in a better mood, because I helped them remember the perspective of things.
I helped them realize that the little problems are just that, little things.
There is so much better in life, and so many great things.
How great is that?
I hope I can do that for more than just one person. I wish I could do that for everyone.
I was also told recently that someone felt safe saying something to me, because its me.
I really liked that, too.

I found a poetry contest online recently for writersdigest.com, and I think I figured out why I never follow through with anything for my writing; I'm afraid I'm not as good as I hope I am. I don't want to try and fail. This is the safer, less intimidating way out.

The other woman in my life I should really be keeping my eye on, or at least talking to more was recently moved to a different nursing home much, much closer to me. I have no reason as to why I haven't gone to see her, other than I don't want to go alone.
I also don't want to wait too long.
(I still want you to meet her.)

I should probably feel weird talking about you, since I know you read it, but whatever. You know what I write here, and read it anyway.
You're pretty nifty.
I have never felt better than I do when I'm with you.
I love waking up to you, and falling asleep with you.
When the rest of the world was falling apart, you were stronger than I was, and when everything is great, you're even better.
I can't imagine you not being around.
Thank you, for everything.

I fall in love with you a little more every day, and it feels amazing.
As terrifying as it is, I couldn't ask for anything better.

You make me happier than I've ever been before.