and God help you if you are a phoenix...

2011-07-04T08:56:00.000-07:00

She dropped her coat at the door
Stripped her fears and worries
Left it all on the floor

Paced herself for this new place
But without any intentions
She picked up her pace

Every room was different
Some dirty, and falling apart
She just continued on her way
Following only her heart

Several stops, and some window shopping
Exhausted her body and her soul
But she was on a mission
And she was going to find what she was looking for

Lost in this building
Beginning to lose faith
Until she reached a new entrance
Staring back at her, she saw a face

Familiar, but new
With the same look of surprise
She'd found something life altering
And as filled with promise as the sunrise

They collected their jackets
Hand in hand they turned to leave
And were greeted on the other side
With a promising summer breeze

2011-03-31T14:15:00.001-07:00

I am probably one of the happier people in the world, and that wasn't a solo effort.
Every single person I have ever met has undoubtedly helped with that, in one messed up way or another.
(Obviously, some much more than others; namely, you.)

PUPPY FEVER.

I also have about 1/4 of my things moved (hopefully it's at least that much), and we're already out of space in this room, I'm going to have to go through everything, and store things, and donate things. That should be a cleansing experience.

Oh, and Kindles fucking rock. I haven't even had it for that long, but it is probably my favorite gift ever.

In health news, the heart is back on the radar, and I think even she is understanding the gravity of the situation this time, thank gravy.
And today is cancer test day for him, this is some terrifying stuff, and sadly I think the reason I am handling it all so well is because I'm ignoring it. (Or denying it, I think that's a better way to say it.)

Waking up with you every morning really is better than I could have dreamed, and you really are incredible.
The way every worry, and short-coming just melts away when I'm with you; the feel of your arm wrapped around me as we sleep, all of the incredibly lame things you do with me, and that smile.
Man, I'm in trouble. (Or just madly in love with you.)

I haven't written in a really long time, not to say I haven't tried, I just am too critical, and give up too early on them. Honestly, I think I'm okay with it, because I would rather it flow freely, than be forced.

In addition to no more red meat, I think I should stop/cut back on soda again. Working somewhere with soda staring me in the face all day has gotten me to start drinking it again. Although its generally one or less a day, sometimes its more. Water, tea, or Gatorade are just as readily available, so I'm going to go those routes.

2011-01-27T11:12:00.000-08:00

For as much ambition, and hope as I have, I am extremely lazy.
Most things I've said I wanted to do in the past few years haven't really happened. I'm getting pretty disappointed in myself, and it sucks.

I also have to give away my cat, and although she's only going to my cousins, and I barely see her now, it isn't my favorite thing I've ever done.
I also need to go through all my stuff soon, and get rid of all the junk.
But the upside to all of that is where I'm going, and that makes it worth it.

I really want to travel. I really want to see somewhere else. I would love to be able to take a vacation some time, just get away from everything. I have no idea what I'd do, or where I'd go, I just know that I want to go. Granted I am going to MN for a weekend soon, that isn't really what I'm looking for.

I have also realized that as much as I love my female friends, I know why I gravitate towards male friends. I fully acknowledge that I am a female, and I assume I also have done all the things that make me think this, but it generally comes out more when I'm around other females doing the same thing. (AKA, Sorry men.)

I've also been avoiding part of my family. One of them emailed me yesterday asking which of several dates worked for me for the next family gathering, giving me two months notice, meaning I have no real way of getting out of it. Part of me wants us to go, and just see if me not being around for a year has made any impact, or if they are the exact same, (which would only allow me to be more certain of my decision to keep my time around them to a minimum.)

Meanwhile, there is another part of my family that I really need to go see, but I am afraid to. The feedback I hear from my Mom about her condition makes me think she won't even know who I am; but when my sister and mom went to go see her a couple weeks ago, they said she was okay, but getting worse.
(I am also a little bitter that they didn't include me.)
Neither of them wanted to go alone, so they brought each other as backup, and now I will probably have to go alone, if I stop scaring myself and just go.

Generally writing a post makes me feel better at the end, like I was finally able to get all that off my chest; but right now I just feel like crap.

2010-12-08T17:27:00.000-08:00

Sometimes your heart makes you do things you don't think you're capable of, or even things you don't think are right.
But that doesn't stop your heart.
It doesn't care.
Its your heart.
It will do what it damn well pleases.

Don't be the fool to stand in its way.

My heart has turned me into a fool entirely too many times.
It has made me do some foolish things, it has made me overreact, and it has made me walk away.

Sometimes my heart is just screaming at me (in a good way) and I can hear it so loud, that every other sound is faint, at best.
It always surprises me that no one else can hear it at these times.

Its the look in your eyes when you look at me. The touch of your hand on my skin. The smell of your hair in the morning. Each of those things make my heart race, and jump, and kick, and scream; letting me know its there, and its pleased.
I can't help but fall in love with you a little more every time I see you.

No matter the obstacle I face, or the weight on my shoulders, or the sadness I am feeling, you turn that all around. You are there holding me while I cry, making me smile again, and showing me that it will all be okay.

I've been crocheting more again, and I really hope it turns out.
I've also had the chance to cook a little more, and I've really enjoyed it.

I know I spend probably too much time with you, and I know it has to get annoying me asking you every day, and I really do like having time to myself, or with my other friends, and I know you feel the same, and I can explain why I do it:
Its easier for me to sleep with you, and I prefer to.
If I knew I got to sleep next to you after each day, regardless of who I was hanging out with that night, I'd, obviously, not ask anymore.
I guess what I'm getting at is, there is something I want you to consider, and its a long way off, but I'm going to plant the idea now anyway.
When you all are moving out of that house, be it in a year, or two, or however long you guys all want to stay there, I want you to consider me for your next roommate.

I'm glad you're the only one that reads this. I probably just look like a freak.

I'm also very much looking forward to starting my new job.
Although, I am extremely nervous. I have to meet all new coworkers, and bosses, and I'm not so good with people. I wish it was easier for me to talk to people, and get to know them.

I think I have an idea of at least a poem or two that I may actually feel confident enough to submit to the contest, but I am still unsure.
And every passing day when I don't do it, is a day closer to never doing it.
I hate that I have such big dreams, and hopes, but not enough self confidence to do anything about it.
That's a thing I need to work on, I just don't know how.

2010-11-23T13:03:00.000-08:00

Maybe I shouldn't have told you.
But wouldn't hiding it have been as bad as lying?
You didn't look at me the same after.
When I see you again, I hope that's different.

I'm going to say a few things that I want.
You'll probably never bring them up to me, but at least you'll know.
One day I want a house, with at least one dog, and you.
I want for you to one day consider again what you asked me in the beginning.
To stay with you, for it to be you and me against the world.
You're the only person I ever want to wake up next to.

Someday, I may ask you to stay with me, and I want you to consider saying yes.
(Stay is the term I am deciding to use today, as opposed to the real word, because I think I've scared you enough for one day.)

I am glad we were able to talk today about what we both would have expected had today turned out differently.

But, since this is the holiday season, you should know I am thankful for you.
Because even though you looked at me different, your eyes didn't change.
And when you kissed me, that hadn't changed.
I understand I scared you, and that will take a bit to process, but I believe we're going to be just fine.
I believe there is nothing standing in our way of staying happy, for the long run.

I want to cook more.
And read more.
And crochet more.

So I think I will.

2010-11-15T09:54:00.000-08:00

Why do things that don't actually matter matter?
Why can't I just leave it how it is, and not question it.
There is not a single thing I would change about it, but I still want to ask why its how it is, why I'm where I am, and what it all means to the other party involved.
But, for fear of these questions tainting what I do have, I'll just ignore it, and stay focused on how great it all is.
No use in bringing up something that may change everything for the worse, right?

But what if it didn't? What if it made it better because then it would just be known?
How bold am I feeling?
(Apparently not very.)

You say the most amazing things to me.
The brush of your hand against my back will always make me melt.
I am retardedly in love with you, and I don't care to hide it.

I am your biggest fan.

(I hope you're always by my side.)

Yesterday you asked me how I ever lived without you, and although I know you meant it in a joking context because of the rest of the conversation, the truest answer is this:
I didn't know what I was living without. Had I ever gotten a glimpse of this level of happiness a person can bring to my life, and this amount of love I can feel, and this amount of security, and understanding, life until you would have been much more difficult.

Aside from all that, it's "The Holidays".
Gross.
I like food, don't get me wrong, so Thanksgiving isn't the worst, but I still don't really like it.
And I just dislike Christmas. Hands down, not for me.
It'll all be over soon enough.
And then it will be next year, and then I'll start school.

I want more tattoos.

2010-11-11T17:28:00.000-08:00

She's okay.
Happy Birthday everyone, she's absolutely okay!
Hormone therapy is mountains better than chemo therapy.
:)

I really need to take these placement tests.
I really want to get on track, and get my life on track.

Also, I want a new job.

I'm happy though.
I don't know everything, I don't know exactly where I am, or what comes next, but I'm happy.
I received one of the best compliments of my life recently.
I was told that talking to me always puts them in a better mood, because I helped them remember the perspective of things.
I helped them realize that the little problems are just that, little things.
There is so much better in life, and so many great things.
How great is that?
I hope I can do that for more than just one person. I wish I could do that for everyone.
I was also told recently that someone felt safe saying something to me, because its me.
I really liked that, too.

I found a poetry contest online recently for writersdigest.com, and I think I figured out why I never follow through with anything for my writing; I'm afraid I'm not as good as I hope I am. I don't want to try and fail. This is the safer, less intimidating way out.

The other woman in my life I should really be keeping my eye on, or at least talking to more was recently moved to a different nursing home much, much closer to me. I have no reason as to why I haven't gone to see her, other than I don't want to go alone.
I also don't want to wait too long.
(I still want you to meet her.)

I should probably feel weird talking about you, since I know you read it, but whatever. You know what I write here, and read it anyway.
You're pretty nifty.
I have never felt better than I do when I'm with you.
I love waking up to you, and falling asleep with you.
When the rest of the world was falling apart, you were stronger than I was, and when everything is great, you're even better.
I can't imagine you not being around.
Thank you, for everything.

I fall in love with you a little more every day, and it feels amazing.
As terrifying as it is, I couldn't ask for anything better.

You make me happier than I've ever been before.

2010-10-13T09:12:00.001-07:00

I just keep losing myself in my own mind.
I have a horrible imagination, that always leads my thoughts down the worst possible path.

I keep trying to tell myself everything will be alright.
Everything is going to be fine.
That this isn't something I should be afraid of.
That she's stronger than I am.

But I'm terrified.
And I'm too afraid to talk about it, although I really want to talk about it.

I'm pulling myself in the wrong direction.
I'm beating myself up over everything.
I hate this.
I don't like this version of myself.

You make everything a little bit better.
You help me forget the horrible things in the world, and you help slow my mind.
I'd be even more lost if I were alone.

I got lost in the current
The tide is pulling me down
And when I reach for your hand
I realize you're not around
I'm being pulled downstream
I can do nothing but scream
On my way out to sea
Can you hear me?
Or am I the only one
That's here to rescue me?

I don't like that.

2010-09-09T19:57:00.000-07:00

Today was more difficult than yesterday.
Tomorrow will be even worse.
It's just going to get harder everyday.

I keep promising myself that it's worth it.

I miss you.

2010-09-09T00:07:00.000-07:00

Its been a while.
So much has changed, yet everything is exactly the same.
I got another job.
I have also realized that whenever life becomes too much for me to handle, or things are happening that I can't control, and don't want to deal with, I dive head first into anything that can make me escape my own reality.
Point and case: work.
No one needs three jobs.
No one needs to work all day, every day.
People need people to care about, and to care about them.
A job will never fulfill me, but it can occupy my mind so I don't have to think about life.
I can't bear to think about how my life would be without the option of seeing her.
So, instead of going to see her at what could be some of my last opportunities, I got another job.
Thus, giving me a 'valid' excuse to the rest of the family as to why I'm not driving just over an hour to go see her.
I can't do it alone, but I don't want to burden someone else with having to hold my hand through it.
What if she doesn't remember me soon?
What if I walk in to her room, and she looks confused?
What if I never get the chance to walk into a room and see her again?
Why am I so petrified of this?
She is supposed to be invincible, not fragile.
She is supposed to see me get married, and have children; if I ever decide to do those things with my life.
And even if I don't, she's supposed to see me decide not to.
She's supposed to meet the man I love, and give me her approval.
She's supposed to see the owl.

What if I wait too long?

I don't want to think about this, but I can't think about anything else.
I can find something to remind me of her in everything I see, and its devastating.
Each and every time.

This wasn't what I had in mind when I started writing tonight.
I was actually feeling okay until I started this.

Since I haven't posted anything in a while, although at this point I'm 99% sure that I'm the only one that remembers I even have this blog, I'll post a poem I wrote recently.

I am my own worst enemy
I just do this to myself
And when the future comes for me
I can only blame myself

I try to give the best advice
But I never heed it myself
So when the world looks past me
I can only blame myself

When I feel alone inside
I only turn to myself
So when I'm alone when I need you most
I can only blame myself

If I can't find the words to say
I don't want to be by myself
And when no one comes to rescue me
I can only blame myself

If I feel like I need rescuing
And I can't do it for myself
If I can't find the courage alone
I can only blame myself

And when you stop loving me
And say 'I need time for myself'
When I've pushed away everything
I can only blame myself

2010-07-25T18:08:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with my life.
I wonder if I'm making the right decisions, if I'm off the proper path, if I'm failing.
I'm 23. Not married. No kids. No prospects for either of those happening in the near future, and not minding.
I work dead end jobs.
I drive a beater.
I pay rent somewhere that doesn't even feel like home, and spend all my time somewhere else. (That does feel like home.)

Then I think to how happy I am. I realize that smiles and love is worth more than a dollar, and I feel like maybe I'm going to be alright.
Maybe I am on the proper path for myself, and although it may not be the path everyone believes I should take, I don't mind.

When I wake up, I see a reason to smile.
When I fall, I know I have someone there to catch me.
I may not be able to buy nice things, but I don't need nice things to be happy.

I'm starting school soon enough, and although I may be years behind most people my age, I feel I've chosen something that will make me happier in the long run, and don't regret it.

Its been, in a large part, a thanks to the people who raised me, and shown me that even if its not like everything else, it can still be beautiful.
Even if its not where you're 'supposed to be', it can still be where you're meant to be.

"Oh as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive."

2010-07-11T17:07:00.002-07:00

I hate to admit it, but you terrify me.
More than anyone or anything ever has before.

Every day I'm afraid it's all just going to disappear.
I don't want to worry about what happens next, I want to live in the now, but every time I do, the possibility of the future puts me back in my place.

Lately everything has been amazing, and I am afraid of that changing.

I feel I can really only blame myself; if this is what it takes to love you, then I will continue on.

Hearing you say "I love you" still gives me this feeling deep inside of me that I'd never felt before I met you.

It's scary to think how one person can have such an effect on your life.
Even after all the time I've spent with you, I'm not used to it.
(I hope I never get used to it.)

In things unrelated to my heart:
My roommates are dropping like flies.
Two of the original four that signed the lease have since backed out, we did find replacements, so no harm there.
I also am thinking about looking for a job closer to home.
Although I really enjoy what I do, I could find something else that I like closer, and then I wouldn't have to drive.
I don't really like driving.
I like it an exponential amount more than I used to, but I'd still rather avoid it if I can.

As I was driving home from work today, I took a few minutes to seriously consider the path that my life is taking, and I've decided that I am now, and have for a while been happier than I ever have before in my life.
I'm not going to say its thanks to you, or my job, or anything else.
Its because of how everything is working.

I also decided I think I'm going to give up on that whole book idea.
Realistically, I will never think I'm good enough, and I don't need to see myself fail more to know that.

School is still a thing I really want to happen.
I am so afraid that its not going to work out, and I'm going to be stuck in sales jobs for the rest of my life.
I hate sales.
I want to teach.

I don't want to be afraid anymore.

2010-06-13T08:21:00.000-07:00

I have so much already written up that I needed to get out, but its all just saved in my phone, and no one else will see it, because I believe you're the only person that reads this, and its all about you.
I already feel like the insane, creepy, clingy girl.
How are you handling this so well? I won't lie, it hurts. Seeing you act like everything is fine when I feel like the world is crumbling around me, it just hurts.
Talk to me about it. I'm feeling what you're feeling, and I don't have anyone I can talk to anymore.
You are my best friend, and I can't lose you.
For the first time in my life, I wish I could redo something.
I wish I could redo the last week and a half. No pressure. No asking about it. Maybe things would have been different.

I can't sleep.
If I tell anyone about it, it becomes real.

This is the last thing you need to see.
I'm sorry.

Since I met you, everyone else pales in comparison. No one gets me like you do. No one else makes me feel as good as you can.

But, I guess I'm supposed to just put that all behind me, and pretend everything is okay.

Please stick around.

2010-06-10T08:56:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel completely overwhelmed by everything; like one more step and the world would just swallow me whole.
And then you flash a quick smile, or just give me that look that I always see in your eyes, or you just reach out and touch me, and I can feel myself regaining control.
I'm so happy I'm with you.

Today is a very hard day for my family, and in late July it will all be rehashed again, but its not like there's a day that goes by where we don't all remember him.

No poem this time.

2010-06-06T18:46:00.000-07:00

"If I'm crazy, then its true. And its all because of you; but you wouldn't want me any other way."
Oh, Billy Joel, you really do know everything.

I'm happy.

I'm not sure what's going on, I'm not sure where I stand, but I'm hopeful, and I'm happy.

I have written a few more. Here's one.

Insecure and obsolete
The heart of a child
And a mind just as weak
Can't face herself in the mirror
Without a kiss from you
Even she finds herself to be a stranger
Too much riding on that call
Just to hear your voice
And catch her fall

Out of place and without haste
To find something different
She's alone until she sees your face
But wishes for independence
She used to be so proud and pure
So elegant and free
Now she lives for someone else
And wishes just to be

Stepping back and carrying on
She found herself again
Lost herself inside your eyes
But can still follow her plan

Head held high and steps so sure
She's found herself again
Love is her only cure
And she smiles all she can

2010-05-23T08:14:00.000-07:00

I am great at being an idiot, and just making myself look completely insane, and as insecure as I feel.
I thought by 23 that would have changed, but its only gotten worse.
I'm not exactly sure why I do some of the things I do. I couldn't tell you what drives me to do them, but as I'm doing them, it seems like a good idea.
I just hope my crazy isn't too much.

I really need some self confidence.
But every time I have even the smallest amount, it gets shattered.

I want you to say to me things that you used to. I don't know why you have so much influence over how I feel.

I wish I had more to say except damn my insecurities.

I just want to feel worthy.

my eyes cant look at you any other way

2010-05-22T19:19:00.001-07:00

I hate to say
What you've turned me into;
I hate even more
Blaming you.

Because of your eyes,
I have weakened.
Due to your laugh,
I am less crass.

It wouldn't be a stretch to admit
That I was softened by your kiss;
But that's not to say
I was ever hard in the start.

The vulnerability that you have caused me
Is something I'm still afraid to know.

Your smiles lack of doubt
Was all that I needed
To know what I had been without.

One may not say
That I'd die without you
But it still isn't something
I'd like to attempt.

It just took one touch
And I found myself falling;
Yet I'm still unfamiliar
With having this crutch.

2010-05-20T21:43:00.000-07:00

There have been quite a few poems I've written since my last post, but I forgot my notebook at your house, and this is going to be difficult enough typing from my phone, since I'm still without internet.
Since I don't have my regular notebook, here is one from right now.

Watch as I get lost
In the hopes I hide
Within your eyes

Scared that I am falling
Too fast for safety
But I can't get off this ride

When you hold me late at night
Nothing will ever feel more right;
I forget we're two people
Leading separate lives.

When I feel your pulse
I believe its mine,
And with our fingers intertwined
Your skin becomes a part of mine.
The smile you give me every morning
Shows me the words you don't say,
And always comes without warning.

I feel lost when you're gone
Like half the person I can be.
But knowing there's another moment
Gives me strength to breathe.

Watch me as I get lost
In my love for you.

unoriginal blog part thirty-five.

2010-04-23T21:04:00.000-07:00

I'm like a jellyfish, in that I have no backbone.

One day, I'll stand up for myself.
One day, I'll put me first.
One day, I'll be the main character of my own book.
(But I'm not holding my breath.)

I really thought I was moving forward, and growing up, and getting there; and today I realized I'm just really good at tricking myself.
If I could manipulate other peoples minds as easily as I can manipulate my own, I would have everything I've ever wanted, and more, and no one would even realize I was doing it. I'm quite glad I can't do that though.

I'm not even sure what my problem is this time, but, I generally don't. I just slip into this. This horrible funk. No trigger. No warning. No reasonable explanation.
Just, bam.
And then Jenn's depressed.

The worst part is knowing ways to help myself feel better, and knowing they are unattainable.
So I'll just hide out in my room until work tomorrow, and tell everyone I'm just too tired to go out.

I also believe retail therapy has the opposite effect on me.
I think when I buy things, I just feel shitty.
I hate vanity, but I'm becoming vain.

I am also very tired of feeling inadequate in everything I do.
I'll never be good enough for myself, or anyone else, in my own eyes.

I want more tattoos.

I want to smile right now, but I feel more like crying.
This whole day I've just felt off.
I want to be myself again.
The better version of myself.
The happy version.

I've been trying my hardest to not mention you at all, apparently, I'm incapable.
I'd like to think about you less.
I'd like to miss you less.
I'd like to need you less.
I don't really want any of that, but I wish I did. It would make everything easier.
Me claiming to be stupid for you really is the best way I can describe it.

I'm on an Ingrid Michaelson kick right now. I love her music, but I don't much like how I have to be feeling to be listening to her this much.

breathe it all in
this is what i came here for
the feel of your skin
and hoping to see you once more
tomorrow isnt guaranteed
today could be our last chance
ive learned to take your love in stride
while waiting for you to take a stance
the day may never come
but i still believe
that you're the one
and waiting is just something
that has to be done
i'll walk alone and in the rain
i'll take the love
and take the pain
hopeful of what the future brings
but knowing the whole time
it only takes a moment to change everything
i will not dwell on the past
or worry each day
will be our last
cross my heart
and hope to die
they will never
see me cry

........................................................................

slipping and sliding
your lifetime's just gliding
trip on the crack
broke mothers back
fell to the floor
got kicked out the door
no one behind you
and nothing ahead
they call you a sinner
you'd rather be dead
your chin to your chest
you've all but regressed
and to think
what comes next
they decide

unoriginal blog part thirty-four.

2010-04-18T13:26:00.000-07:00

I am greatly enjoying my life.
A year ago today, I could say the same, but from a completely different place.
And I was happy, but not anywhere near where I am today.
And although this is not how I pictured spending today when I thought about it last year, it is fitting.
These are the people that we are.
This is who we have become.
This is where we are.

I love the person you're becoming more every day.
And I am proud to say the same of myself.

I can't believe how long I've known you.
Every day feels so new, but I forget that it has been such a short time that I have known you.
That doesn't make much sense, but it does to me.
I want to know how you do it.
How you make me feel so incredible, and free, and safe, and childlike.
How can I still get that feeling in my stomach when you touch me like its the first time, while knowing and trusting you so completely that life before you seems like an entirely different lifetime?

The other night when I almost left, I really wanted to tell you something. This is it:
You are something I am unwilling to give up on. I may make an ass of myself sometimes, and say the wrong thing. I may push you, and apologize. I may stumble over my words. I may say too much, I may not say enough. I may be a bitch, and sometimes I may try to hard to be nice. I may stay too long, and I may leave too early. All of what I do is to let you know I love you, and I am willing to wait a lifetime for you. All of it is to see that smile that makes my knees weak. All of it is for you.

And I say its all for you, but really, it keeps me happy, too.

Enough about that.
(At least for now.)

I get to start moving to my new place in May. I plan on buying lots of cleaning supplies and paint, and start fixing it up after getting paid on Friday.
This excites me greatly.
Although I have a room, and all my things, and my cat here, this isn't really home.
I still refer to this as "Trish's house".
It will be nice to feel like I have a place again.
Not to say I have not been completely welcomed, and don't feel comfortable here, but my room looks like a storage unit, and I am just uneasy being in there for too long. Its entirely too cluttered.

I also am trying to talk myself back into working on the book more.
It may slowly be working.

I also really need to work on my school stuff.
Like, financial aid, and all that crucial stuff.
Woops.

This morning I thought I had lost my notebook. I haven't seen it for over a week, but I hadn't really been looking.
I was panicked. That notebook has everything.
So much of the last year and a half is crammed in that falling apart, and tattered red notebook.
Another downfall to the storage unit/bedroom.
But, I did find it, and all is again right with the world.

And, a poem.

In this place I've never been
Surrounded by people
Who've named themselves friends
Shadows lurk behind every door
You say you're finished
They're just ready for more
Turn around and try to leave
As far as you can get
Before you forget to breathe
Check behind you just in case
You can't get away
They've won this race
Pull you back
And close the door
Strangers start to wonder
Why you don't smile anymore
Your face has changed
You all look the same
You wear an ugly mask
And hide outside the frame
The images blur
While the world is in motion
You have to get out now
You need to start a commotion

I couldn't end that one. I tried like 8 different things, and haven't liked any of them. I need to work on that.

unoriginal blog part thirty-three.

2010-04-14T18:39:00.001-07:00

I can't even pretend to be unhappy.
Not that that is something that I would be attempting to pretend.

Aside from the fact that taxes are supposed to be done tomorrow, and I haven't even started, everything is going better than I could have imagined.
And, I may be able to finally replace my laptop screen in the next few weeks.

Apparently, she's following through with her heart diet.
I call her every day and ask her what she's eaten, and what her exercises were for the day.
I feel like I'm the mom, but she can get over it.
She is not someone I am going to lose without a fight.

Work is even going well, and I have a Saturday off.
Like I said, everything is going well.

But, the next time I have to sleep in my own bed is going to be strange.
Its been so long since I've slept alone, or in my own place, and there are so many boxes my room is still more like a storage facility than a room.
Tonight will probably be that night.
I hope my cat doesn't suffocate me in vengeance.

Spending time with you gets better every day.
I don't even mind having to walk a few blocks back and forth to get my stuff.
And the more time I spend with you, the more time I want to spend with you.
Addiction really is the best word.
Someone asked me how I felt about you, if I was in love with you, or what.
Love felt like an understatement.
I believe it's best described as stupid.
I am stupid for you.
And this is absolutely not a complaint/bad thing.

You make me smile more than I have ever smiled before.
The way you touch me, and look at me, I cant even explain what it does to me.

You're my very own drug.

And listening to you play drums, or your guitar inspires me.
You inspire me.

I love finding new music. Or just new songs by old favorites.

I haven't written in a while, nor have I worked on my book.
I have my whole life to do this, right?
Whats the rush?

(If no one has noticed, I procrastinate. A lot.)

I'm writing this right now. I'll probably hate it.

They think they're happy
They believe themselves to be free,
But what they don't know
Is everything I see.

Too young for that color,
To old for that man,
No one stopped to tell them
Life doesn't follow a plan.

She's too young to notice
That he's too young to care,
And when the honeymoon is over
They'll wonder why they're there.

Babies buying dresses,
While grandma picks out shoes.
They will walk down the aisle
Before they've built their views.

Become the person you aspire to be
For no one but yourself.
When you make yourself happy,
You won't waste away on someones shelf.

unoriginal blog part thirty-two.

2010-04-07T13:52:00.000-07:00

She's being an idiot about all of this.
She isn't understanding how valuable the time is.
How valuable she is.
She needs to open her eyes, and do what she has said she was going to do for years now.
I don't care what it takes, she needs to stick around.
She claims to know what she's doing, and that everything will be fine, but she's wrong.
If she knew what she was doing, she wouldn't be getting worse.
She doesn't understand the toll it takes on me everyday either.

As for you;
Your roommates keep asking me questions.
Questions I can't answer, as much as I'd like to.
And I don't even know what I want the answer to be.
I've been so blissed out on how things are going, I don't want it to stop.
I don't want it to change, but I guess I want to know I'm not leading myself down a dead end.
But, I trust you, and I don't think you would do that to me.
I believe in you.
I guess I still want to know what comes next, and maybe when that will be.
But I'm too nervous to ask, because as I said, I don't want this to stop.

Waking up to your face every morning is more than I could have dreamed about.
I don't want to lose that.
And as far as I can tell right now, I don't want to ever lose that.

There is going to come a day
When you will realize
You can't imagine your life
Without me sharing every sunrise.

Every chapter you've gone through
Will cease to capture your mind
And you will only look to the writer
To ensure I'm on your side.

Every passing moment
Will be better than the last,
And when you remember to catch your breath
You're not thinking of the past.

When this day greets you
You'll see me waiting there
Arms outreached to greet you,
My fears and inhibitions dissipate into the air.

I will tell you how I've loved you
Since the first time I saw your eyes
Take your hand inside of mine
My emotions won't be compromised.

Sink your feet into the sand
Baby, don't let go of my hand
Unlock your heart and stay by me
(You should know I have never been this happy.)

unoriginal blog part thirty-one.

2010-04-02T17:09:00.001-07:00

Some days I feel like everything is wonderful. Nothing can bring me down. Nothing can stop me.

Some days I feel like there is no reason to get out of bed. Nothing to look forward to, and that I have already experienced the best days I will get.

Some days, I have no hope left.

I hate those days.
Sadly, today is one of those days.

Last night I had a couple of heartfelt, and hopeful conversations, and today those have left me feeling empty.
I hate this.

I just want everything to make sense. I just want to know where we go now.
I want there to be a we to step into the future.
(I want that to sound less lame, too.)

On a different topic, I hate this futon.
Its like sleeping on a couch, but worse. And this room is filled with everything I own in boxes, and it gets to stay this way for the next month.
Maybe once I can stretch out in my own bed again, I'll be more able to face everything.
Give me a month, and I should be good as new.
:/

I wish I could get back that hope, and happiness I felt two days ago.
That was inspiring.

I did write two little things that aren't even complete poems today, but I am afraid to post them.
So, I'll post a Frank Sinatra song I heard on the radio on my way home from work tonight.
It made me feel like someone else understood, and is exactly how I feel.

Every kiss, every hug seems to act just like a drug
You're getting to be a habit with me
Let me stay in your arms, I'm addicted to your charms
You're getting to be a habit with me
I used to think your love was something I could take or leave alone
But now I couldn't do without my supply, I need you for my own
Oh, I can't break away, I must have you everyday, as regularly as coffee or tea
You've got me in your clutches and I can't break free,
You're getting to be a habit with me

Every girl just wants someone to love them as much as they love.

____________________________________________________
And then you talk to me, and I have faith in life again.
<3

unoriginal blog part thirty.

2010-03-31T19:07:00.000-07:00

Just like I said, March is my month.
It always starts off horribly, but ends better than I can imagine.
Not only does everything appear to be falling perfectly into place, its doing it with ease.
I am so happy.

I moved.

I told you.
You told me.

My cat isn't too happy, but she just hates moving.
Sorry kitty, we're doing it again in a month.

Also, I believe I am a creeper magnet. It just is something in my DNA I guess.
Bleh.

Oh, and I'm sick of having allergies. Really. I'd like to keep my voice, and not sneeze every three seconds, thanks.

I am so happy.
And, I'd like to think I have a lot of myself to thank for it this time.
I have decided to start treating myself just half as well as I treat everyone else, and I feel great.
You help. You make me feel special, and important.

There are things I never thought I would share with someone. Things I never thought I would feel, and things I never thought I would experience.
And then I met you.
And, wow.
My life completely changed.
In so many ways. I can't even imagine not knowing you.
Not having had you for the last year.
I would be a completely different person.

You've saved me.

I have the worlds greatest friends.

I'm just on this incredible high right now.

I don't know if I've written anything since my last post, because I've been so busy.
But, I can probably dig up some more old stuff.

You smile like you’ve never seen pain,
Your cheeks have never been wet,
Even in rain.

The smile in your eyes is so juvenile,
And if you don’t mind,
I’d like to sit and stare a while.

The heat of your lips
Could melt ice caps,
And I’d like to take a sip.

I’d like to live vicariously
Through your guitar.
Watch you strum so elegantly.
The sounds only go so far.

The tone of your words
Could speak to the deaf.

I’d like to take your hand in mine,
And stay this way until death
(do us part)
And we all know for some people,
That’s just the start.

2010-03-28T23:31:00.000-07:00

I have put it all out there.
Now, I wait.

I have my brothers for a few days, they make everything better.
Not that anything is bad right now, because everything is the best its been in a long time, but this just makes it even better.
Those boys are my entire world.

I also have a lot of packing and cleaning to do in the next couple of days, and I need to find a place to put some of my stuff. Hopefully this goes smoothly.

I can't stop thinking about you. You made the last week perfect, and you made my birthday a day that I will never forget.
You make me happier than I thought I could be.

Never change.

You're like my own personal drug
Only better.
An addiction I'll hold
And always remember
Struggling for strength
Outside of your touch
I believe you're an addiction
That I'll never give up.
I soak it all in
Every chance that I get
And I'll take everything from you
A life of no regrets.
You're something I can't quit
And we've gone too far
But there's no end in sight
Its going past an addiction
And turning in to something I need.

unoriginal blog part twenty-nine.

2010-03-22T19:17:00.001-07:00

There are so many amazing songs out there, and so many breath taking lyrics, I wish I could write like these people.

I've had a pretty great last few days.
Aside from working 10+ hours of overtime, and being physically exhausted, mentally, I don't remember ever feeling so alive.
ALIVE.
That's how we should all be living our life.
Every day ends.
Everyone dies.
Every feeling passes.
You need to live, to experience, to dream.
Dream big, and run towards them.
Alright, now I just sound like a lunatic, but, I'm over it.

You never cease to amaze me, in the best possible ways.
I love waking up with the ability to see your face, and your smile will always warm my soul.
I am madly in love with you.
I just want to say it to you.
I just want to hear the words go between you and me.
You're everything I've ever needed, and everything I've ever wanted.

I'm having dinner with most of my family for my birthday, I'm even excited for it.

I'm very excited for moving next week!
(Its finally happening! I just need a more fuel efficient vehicle.)

And, a poem I wrote the other night:

There's nothing I can do
That doesn't make me think of you
There's no where I can go
That I don't wish you near
Every day we're apart
I dream us together
And every morning should start
With you by my side.
Love's just a word
What matters is what we feel
Why put labels of words
With whats in ones heart
When you smile all I feel
Is my old pains healing
And when you're beside me I absorb
The beat of your heart.

unoriginal blog part twenty-eight.

2010-03-16T19:35:00.000-07:00

Every day gives me something new to be happy about. Even the worst days aren't so bad when I look at how bad it could be.
I am so lucky to have the family, and friends that I have found.
I know how naive I must seem, how can someone who has any intelligence be so blissed out in such a crummy time.
I've just learned that I have to deal with things, and that some things are just out of my control, and I just have to make the best of them, and see how I can improve myself, or the lives of those around me, in the process.
And its nice to have people that believe in me, and support me.
You've never once put me down, or discouraged me from a dream.
I would be a fool to not be crazy about you.

And there's my dad, who has stepped up for me more in the past few weeks than I ever thought possible.
The road we've been on hasn't been well paved. And there have been plenty of times I was sure we had hit a dead end. I can never thank him enough.

Its almost my birthday again. I feel like this time last year just happened. And although things are different in every way, March is always my insane month. Where so much changes, and it always ends in the best possible way.
If I get to spend my birthday with you, I don't think it could get any better.

I've also started watching the show "Dead Like Me", and, I'm really liking it.

On a not so good note, I haven't touched my book project in too long. I know what I need to do, and am just, not doing it.
Its stupid.
But, I did send in the registration stuff for school, and have my orientation thinger in June.

Staying positive.

(You're still the creep.)

Here's a couple poems I wrote in December/January:

You've got me on a string

Letting me go,
Just to pull me back in.

It makes it impossible
To move beyond you,
And its looking fairly probable,
That I'm too blind to mind.

Push me out
Pull me back
Baby, this is torture.

If you want to hold me through the night.
Just gain back your composure.

Now I've met some folks
With razor blades
Hidden safely in their coats

They're the type of people
Just itching to cut that rope.

Push me out
Pull me back
Just tell me what you want.

Because every time I think about you
I remember your eyes that haunt me.

And, the next one:

She believes fear is just hate
In a cocktail dress.
She looks in your eyes,
And tells you whats next.
"You look like a fool when you're dressed to impress.
You take what you cant give
And by now you should know
When you're scared of yourself
That's no way to live."
She doesn't know how to hold back her thoughts
And filtering her beliefs
Just leaves her distraught.

She wishes they could see
Exactly what she means.
And that when she gives her heart
The rest of her is left to fall apart.
And when she handed hers to you
Scared to death of what came next
Closed her eyes and turned her head
Cringed for a moment before she said,
"I'll give you this,
If you promise me
That you will always
Be true to me.
Don't be afraid of what we feel
Or life will start
To push us apart.
The distance becomes pain
And pain into hate;
But, baby, we've been brought here
Due to our fate."

The tears in her eyes,
Glistening on her ceek.
How life can change
When two people meet.

I never like my own poems.

unoriginal blog part twenty-seven.

2010-03-12T01:09:00.001-08:00

I can't even keep control over my own thoughts.
They always wander to the same place, every single time, my mind runs to thoughts of you.
It doesn't matter what else I'm doing, or how important what I'm trying to concentrate on is.
That's creepy, but I'm over it.

Really, if you think about it, this whole blog thing I have going on here is pretty creepy. I just talk about you, and how I feel about you, all the time.
And occasionally something about my cat, or my desire to change addresses frequently.
But, as I said, if I'm talking, or typing, or thinking, the same thing pulls my focus, so its obviously going to be mentioned.

I don't know how I feel about the poetry I've been writing lately.
I almost feel like I'm regressing. :/

I may edit it and take these poems out.

He's fallen below
Every place he wanted to go
And what she still doesn't know
Is how?

She's been pushed to the side
Just tries to find somewhere to hide
But we all know paths collide
Just not why.

They stumbled into each other
While masked, and undercover
Of years and wondering
What next?

Together, or apart
They have learned from their hearts
And received a fresh start
Starting now.

He stepped up above
She flies like a dove
And all from their love,
Just their love.

And:
I don't know where I'm headed
Just where I'm coming from,
I do know who I am today,
But not who I will become.
I can only give you what I have,
And all I have is me.
If that isn't good enough,
Baby, set me free.

I can't tell you what comes next,
Or where tomorrow will end,
All I know is what I need,
And that's the love of a friend.
A year ago I felt your touch,
And I felt my whole life change.
Your eyes set my world on fire,
And saved me from this cage.

Yesterday means nothing
Without the promise of today,
And tomorrow is another chance
To convince you to stay.

(I'm not so much liking the second one especially right now.)

Anyway, yeah.
I hope I'm not alone, or a major creeper in this feeling.
But, since you know exactly how I feel, and don't stop me, or give me any indication I'm alone on this, or incorrect about anything, I feel pretty good about it all.

Also, I'm almost starting to not hate driving around in the minivan. Except the whole parking, and reversing thing.
And that there are so many little toys from my brothers in the back that I can hear them moving as I turn corners.
But, I am very excited for them to come visit.
(They want to see you.)

I can't believe its almost my birthday again. It feels like this time last year just happened.
Wow. In one year, almost exactly, so much has changed.
And I still believe now what I could only hope for then.
(I love you.)

unoriginal blog part twenty-six.

2010-03-03T22:24:00.000-08:00

I am sitting in my bedroom, on my cracked laptop that is running out of battery, watching RENT, and not really sure of what happens next.
I know where I want life to take me, and I know what I would like to happen next, but, thats not where its headed.
Not right now at least.
Its scary waking up wondering what is going to happen next. Exhilarating to a point, but mainly just terrifying.

This is going to be really lame, but I don't even care. I have a lot I need to say, and I don't even care who sees it. Just thinking about these things isn't enough anymore. I need to get them out, and my notebook just wouldn't cut it. I am allowing myself to be vulnerable right now, and hoping I don't get burned in the end.
On days I know I'll get to see you, time goes slower than I ever thought it could.
When I'm within ten minutes of your exit my stomach is tying itself in knots.
The closer I get to your road, the more my palms sweat, and my heart races.
And then I see you.
And its just this giant inner burst of excitement and complete adoration, and the only thing I can do is smile and sheepishly say hi, because if you knew the emotions I held in, it may scare you away.
After almost a year of being madly in love with you, the feelings still terrify me.
Since the first night we kissed I have known there is no other person I'd rather spend my time with; good times, or bad.
No one else has ever made me feel anything like this.

Wow, I didn't expect that all to come out tonight, or ever, for that matter.

Its been a rough week, but since mid-afternoon yesterday, it appears my luck may be changing to the good side for once.
I hope it continues on the incline. I can't believe how screwed up everything got.
At least I got to see how far some people who genuinely care about me are willing to go, I just hope I can show them all how much I appreciate them.
If you're reading this, you're probably one of the people I appreciate.

Today I got a chance to get to know my oldest brother a little better, and it feels great. Granted it was a bit of small talk at first, I got to see some of the things he was passionate about, and talk to him about them. We only had a few minutes, but it was great.

And, I love my new job, and it seems to be going great. :)
I get along with everyone, and I'm doing well on my sales.

I don't have a poem that I feel like sharing on hand, so I will leave some lyrics that I just heard while writing this.

I found you!
I found you on the way to meet you...

2010-02-24T13:11:00.000-08:00

there are a million times every day i just want to tell you that i love you.
and all i really want, is to hear you say it back.
when im alone i look through pictures of you, of us. i watch you play your guitar. i think of the sound of your voice. i think of the way your eyes light up. i remember everything about you, and you give me hope. you give me strength. without even trying, you give me life.

im feeling inspired right now; lets see where it takes me.

unsaid are the things i fear
because it is only in my heart
that i know you are near
miles between us
and the future unknown
all i remember
is with you i am home
too many obstacles
may stand in your way
but i'll stay beside you,
because i know no other way.
i know that with each tomorrow
we get another chance
but i spend every yesterday
dreaming of romance.
im stuck inside myself
trapped within my thoughts
i just want another chance with you
i just want to be included in your plot.

unoriginal blog part twenty-five.

2010-02-22T11:25:00.000-08:00

Things may be falling apart a little bit more now than I was ready for, but that just means I have to reevaluate, and be prepared for whatever may come next.
You always have to have a back up plan, and I'm really glad that I realized that a long time ago.

I had a really great weekend, migraine aside, and it was one I wouldn't mind repeating on a more frequent basis. I may not have gotten much sleep, but I did get to see you, more than once.
You still have that look in your eyes when you look at me, and nothing has ever made me feel more safe. Sometimes even in pictures I take of you, I can see it, and it still gives me that feeling in my stomach.

I'm moving soon, very soon. I cannot wait. It will be a further drive to work, but that is the only downfall that I am foreseeing.

There will only be one poem this time, because that's all I feel like typing.

She slips it on
And pulls it back,
Just to bring them home.
Finds the perfect shoes to match
The hole inside her soul.

Affection means something to her
That this line of men never will.
Love had found her before last summer,
And now has left her seeking nightly thrills.

She may be in love with you,
But for now she isn't allowed to say.
So while she's waiting in the corner
For her life to regain order,
And put you back in your place;
Right next to her,
So she feels safe.

She'll stumble around this broken town
Make-up painted to hide the frown.
The anonymous man she met today
Will help her get from night to day.

She doesn't touch him,
Because she can't.
Just a different man in the room,
And she feels like a tramp.

Her heart is yours,
And its plain to see;
No one else matters to her,
She believes you're meant to be.
Try as she might to just make it through,
She can't imagine her life
Even a day past you.

unoriginal blog part twenty-four.

2010-02-09T08:42:00.000-08:00

The more I get to know some people, the more I wish I didn't have to, and the more I don't want to be anything like them.
I hope I never turn out like them.
I'm sure we all have people in our lives that we see, and then know exactly who we never want to become.
Don't deny it.

I am really hoping to be moving soon.
If everything works out, it should be amazing.

I am also getting intimidated by the number of my friends getting married and reproducing.
They are my age, and I can't imagine anything like that for years, if ever.
Even working in a bridal shop isn't making me want to get married, it makes me think the dresses are pretty, but, that's pretty much the extent of it.

I told you how I feel.
I showed you my soul.
You reciprocated in your true fashion, and made me smile.
You always make me smile.
Even after I get horrible news, or feel completely lost and alone, your smile, or your humor brings me back.
You bring me back.
Thank you.
I can never say that enough.

I have been quite inspired lately, so, as per my new usual, here are some poems.

I am exactly who
They always said I'd be.
Somewhere between sane
And solidarity.
Drugged up on love,
Or the fantasy of how I thought it'd be.
And now there's no escape
From the hold you have on me.

The painted picture
Of what I could have been
Above the couch
In their stark white den.
They were so proud
And least they were back then,
But now its clouded,
I've become a different woman.

The dream we had
Back when we called it love,
It was me and you,
And we could rise above.
I'm still here,
If you want to open up,
And here I'll stay
Because love is tough.

I'll extend my hand
And watch your fingers take mine.
Below the trees,
We can forget the time.
Lie there for days,
Inhale the warming shine.
Please stay with me,
While we cross this line.

And, one that I wrote that pertains to the beginning of this post.

There's something inside of you
I'd rather not see.
Its everything about you
That I never want to be

You can call it love
And say we're family;
But what I know to be true
Is you don't care too much for me.

I have learned to stop caring,
Because it wont help either way.
While you're pretending to have hearts,
We are just drifting away.

So please tell me once more
While your painted smile is still fresh;
Why you think you're something special,
When your life is really a mess?

unoriginal blog part twenty-three.

2010-02-05T12:28:00.000-08:00

I really hate feeling guilty about things I have absolutely no control over.
Don't tell me you miss me, and that you want me to come home, and wish I would come visit you more, when you never come to see me either.
Your schedule is much more flexible than mine is.
Whereas I may only have a few extra hours here and there, that driving to see you, and driving back would take most of, you have much more time, and you could be on your way while I'm finishing up whatever I'm doing.
Don't get me wrong, I miss her too, and I wish I could see her more, but, guilt tripping me into spending my last $10, and my only day off, to drive to your house, and watch you go about your daily life isn't always something I can do.
(Mom, if you ever read this, I'm sorry, and you know I love you.)

Aside from that, I have been feeling pretty mundane.
I hate that I go from up up up to just existing so many times in a week.
Its rather exhausting.

Today would have been eight years had I stayed with him. In ten days I will have been four years without him. These have been the longest, most stressful, most exciting, and best years. I couldn't have had any of that with him. I am so happy to barely know him now. And it helps I got to see you today, just to really absorb the drastic change I've seen in four years.
I will be somehow celebrating my 4 year anniversary to myself on the 15th. It will be joyous.

This time, I am going to post two poems, because I don't really know if I like one of them, and I can't decide which one to post.

"While I realize that to you I may have nothing,
I have it all inside.
Lots of love to share with you,
And lots of tears I don't care to hide.
The best friends I have ever met,
And someone who doesn't have to say a word.
I understand I may be in debt,
But with this, I am less concerned."

She looks back up from her work,
To see the green of the world he's hidden in his eyes,
Her eyes shift in that nervous quirk,
She'd never tell a lie.

(He is her someone.)

"I fall down a lot,
But I always get back up,
Skinned knees to tell the tale.
My bandaids heal more than the cut,
Don't pretend you don't care."

He finally looks at her
And realizes something
He has never seen before.
He stared into two grey-blue seas
Set a little too far apart on her face.
Looked at her parted lips,
That were a bit out of place;
Noticed the freckle on her nose,
And her cheeks that would match a rose,
All this time he hadn't seen,
The soul hidden behind.

"When you look at me like that,
I know what you want to say.
Don't worry about it today, baby,
Your eyes told me it's okay."

So she set her hand on his,
And kissed his scruffy cheek,
The sea met the world today,
If they're eyes could only speak.

And, here's the other one.

I have nothing more to tell you
Nothing you don't already know.
And even if I don't say it, baby,
This is something the whole world knows.

Every touch is electric.
Every kiss better than sin.
I have never experienced anything like this,
And I'm glad I let you in.

Things from my past
Were very come and go
While you were stop and stay,
And although we've had some ups and downs,
You are well worth the wait.

Even if I was told I shouldn't,
I don't do as I am told,
Because the love I carry just for you,
Has left me feeling bold.

Instead I'll do what I do best,
And keep my eyes on the prize.
And my what a prize you are.

unoriginal blog part twenty-two.

2010-02-02T18:58:00.000-08:00

Although there are many aspects of my life where things could be seen as "falling apart"
I haven't been this happy in too long.

Part is thanks to you, part to my amazing friends, but a large chunk of the congratulations, is coming straight to me.
I've been in control of my own life, for the most part.
And, thats not to say I haven't made any bad decisions, because, I have.
But, I haven't ruined my life, and the people I love are still here, and what I have screwed up on hasn't affected anyone else.
So what if I'm broke, thats why I got another job.
So what if I didn't do the dishes today, I can do them tomorrow.

I am happy.
You make me happy.

(I'm glad you like my cooking.)

But most importantly, I make me happy.

After this past week or so, I've been on top of the world.
And, there hasn't really been any huge things to put me there, its just the little things most people take for granted.
Like a look, or a smile, that says more than words will ever express.

Also, I got a new tattoo, and oh man I love it.
And, it leaves me thinking ink, and what I want next, and where to put it.
Tattoos really are addicting.

And, to keep with this new thing I'm trying, heres a poem I wrote the other day.

She was bursting at the seams
With excitement,
And untouchable dreams.
She couldn't remember ever feeling so alive;
And for the life of me,
Neither could I.

Every broken promise flew out the window of her car.
Pain was just a demon
Who had helped her get this far.
She was flying high,
On her way to see him,
Lusting at the sky.
Not dwelling on her past,
No one could have seen
She was headed for a crash.

Thoughts of summers filled her;
The tire swing they'd hang,
The houses they'd move to, and from,
And the children they would name.
The pets they'd have,
The tears they'd share,
When she noticed something off.
That truck shouldn't be there,
And she was going too fast to stop.

The day she'd figured her life out,
Was the day it came to an end.
I have heard stories of his face
When he learned of the crash.
Now that is all I can imagine,
While sifting through the ash.

unoriginal blog part twenty-one.

2010-01-26T12:12:00.000-08:00

things may be looking up, but that may just be the optimist in me.
i have no expectations on where this is going, only high hopes.
i dont want to be wrong, not on this.

there have been a million times i have wanted to tell you this giant secret, but im afraid now it would just hurt. maybe someday i'll tell you.
(but, probably not.)

i am very excited for tomorrow, then june. everything in between is just going to be a long waiting game.
tomorrow, i get to sign my lease, june i get to move.

then september i may start school. (if everything goes well until then, and i figure out the financial part of it.)

i have been writing more, again. but, i dont like it as much as i have liked some of the other things i wrote last year.
or maybe i am just becoming more critical of myself.

(and just in case you ever read this, when you asked me the other night how that would help me more than cough syrup. it did. it always will.)

A recent poem. Just because I think I should start doing this more.

All I can think of
Is how we met
My voice started to quiver,
And my palms to sweat.
Just to think of how much
Life has changed in a year
And during the best times
You were the one near.
Every time you touched me
I could feel myself swoon
Who would think it would end
Who knew it'd be so soon.

The days that I wasted
Not telling you how I felt
I can never get back
And now I'm overcome with regret.
I wish I had told you
Each and every day
How much you mean to me
There are so many things I want to say.

Still when I see you
My heart thinks its a race
It beats so quickly,
I can feel the blood rushing to my face.
My knees start to shake
And I feel myself grow faint.
The only thing that saves me now
Is a leap of faith.

So I take down my layers
Built with years of pride and tears,
Standing naked in front of you,
I've conquered all my fears.
See my life sprawled on the floor.
Meet your eyes with mine,
If just for the chance
To feel our souls bind.

Now, baby, please just tell me this,
Did you feel it, too?

unoriginal blog part twenty.

2009-12-04T17:19:00.000-08:00

i cant even pretend to be surprised.
this is my life, of course this just happened.
and it makes complete since that it happened on a thursday, and the first snow of the year.
i should have seen it coming.

theres some good things going on lately, but, my mind isn't on those.

last night brought two more poems out of me.
im thinking about posting them here. maybe.

i really wonder why i don't just put this in my notebook.
i really dont think anyone reads this.

i should have been far away by now.
i stayed for a reason no one else will ever understand.
and, despite everything, i think i made the right decision.
i don't regret it. and hopefully, im right in that.

not last nights, but from about a week ago.

History has a way of repeating itself
In forms unfamiliar to some
But everything I'm saying now
I've already said to someone
Every feeling I'm getting
Is all to similar
When I'm on the edge of forgetting
It all comes back to me somehow
I seem to make the same mistakes
And fall in the same places each time
I seem to feel the same heartaches
And lose my place in line.
Life is on replay
But the supporting roles will change
We're still using the same script
Everyone has the page.
If I could just live this
A little differently this time
Maybe things will be different,
Maybe then I'll write a new rhyme.

2009-11-13T19:17:00.000-08:00

Its finally happening.
I can't believe this is actually going to happen.
I (should be) overjoyed.
I am a bit petrified.
I guess I didn't really expect this to work.

I want to be sharing this with you.

Right now though, I have a thought rolling,
and I'm just going to roll with it, and see where it takes me.

sometimes in life
you just open your eyes
and have to realize
youre alone

occasionally in a day
you just walk the other way
and ignore when people say
their own truths

but being alone doesnt mean lonely
if you dont let it fully sink in
and if by yourself you can make it
then why, girl, oh why would you change it

and then you see it
and you know you cant defeat it
and you just get sucked in more everyday
someday someone will smile
and your heart will race for miles
and youd beg them not to walk away

someday you will smile
and it wont be for them
someday being alone
will be where youve grown to
and youd forget the world every other way

but dont be so bitter
because in the dead of winter
that smile will take your pain away
girl, his eyes will make the fears melt away

2009-11-04T09:17:00.001-08:00

i cant even find the words to explain it anymore.

how can one person have so much pull on your life.

i sometimes want to quit, just throw in the towel, but then the smallest thing makes me fall a little more.

im pathetic.

but its amazing what a good friend can do to help.

________________________________________________________
You were never what I had in mind;
But I ran to you,
With my heart open wide.
We may not have been right on time,
But I'll wait for you,
If you'll stay mine.
It's been a terrifying run,
As we knew it would be,
But, baby, we can have fun,
Just you and me.
Your eyes are all I need,
To save me from my fears,
And I'm not concerned with the speed,
Just ask me to wait for you.

2009-10-23T12:00:00.000-07:00

sometimes things fall into place.
sometimes you have to force them there.

i am working more on my dreams.
i am applying for college.
i am working on my poetry.

i am not a quitter.

i would wait forever for you, please dont make me prove it.

unoriginal blog part nineteen.

2009-09-22T14:24:00.000-07:00

i cant believe all that has changed.
i cant believe i am still on my feet after it all.
now the you that i write to is again, someone who never reads this.
but this time, its someone i am unwilling to give up on, and that kinda terrifies me.
what if i become that girl. the crazy one that wont let go.
but when i am with him, i feel so serene. so, right.
its when i am alone, and thinking, and remembering everything that has happened in these past few months that i freak out.

i lost someone two months ago that i can never get back.
and he has no idea how much joy he brought not only to me, but to everyone who met him.
after forty-four days here, he was taken.
barely over a month, and his passing is something i still cannot get over.
i have no idea how my sister is handling herself, how she carries on so well.
she is so strong. i admire her.

you would think that after two months, things would be calming down, and i would be getting a better grip on something, anything; but really it just leaves me feeling more lost the more i think about it all.
in one day my world got flipped over. everything changed, and nothing was making it better.
i do know that this is making me stronger, and the relationships i have with my family, and those close to my heart better, but whoever said time heals all wounds, there is a large part of me that wants to punch them in the nose.
i know it is getting 'easier' but it will never stop hurting.
some things will never heal.

some things should be remembered.

"so now we take a step back
look our lives in the face
put them back together
and say we'll meet back in this place

dont forget to turn around
every few steps you take
its what we need to carry on
and to stop the heartache"

unoriginal blog part eighteen.

2009-07-23T12:09:00.000-07:00

i need a roommate.
and a place to live.
or, i need to live alone...which sounds kinda nice right about now.

i've been inspired off and on for the past few weeks,
my writing comes in spurts.

there is a lot i need to get off my chest,
but i dont want to say it.
saying it means facing it.

2009-05-24T23:06:00.000-07:00

There was a point in my life where I thought I had it all figured out.
Everything was planned.
And now, I'm so far off of all of it, that I can barely remember them.
This was never where I was going to be. This was never what I was going to be doing.
Some days I feel so lost. Like, if I could just open my eyes, things may make sense. If I could just sit down, and figure out my life again.
But, there's no way I can do that anymore.
I mean, really. Here I am. Laying in bed with no idea what I'll be doing in a year, or where I'll be. I can't even tell you what's going on tomorrow.
Sometimes, I absolutely hate it. But then I realize that you can't plan your life. You have to live it.
Catch every curve ball. Dodge every drunk driver. Roll with the punches.
Because you can't plan for things like that. And some of the things that get thrown in, you'll wonder how you ever could live your life without them. They should have been the only plan, all along.

'Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.'

I never planned for you.

2009-04-24T22:34:00.000-07:00

i really need you here
right now
because i feel like nothing
in a world that looks the other way
and i can feel my chest tightening
and i will never tell you

im not as strong as i say.
but i will never admit to your face that i need you,
when i actually do.

unoriginal blog part seventeen.

2009-04-15T21:07:00.000-07:00

day by day the world makes a little more sense,
but confuses me even more.

i hate when you get that feeling in the pit of your stomach, when you know somethings about to crash.
but then nothing does.
i mean, its great that nothing happens, dont get me wrong.
but i hate that feeling.

ive been distancing myself from people that have hurt me, and have the potential of hurting me, in hopes of, well, not getting hurt as frequently.
but, its also keeping me from knowing.
knowing what is going on. and what will happen next.

man oh man, i hate her. i hate that shes consumed my every thought. she doesnt deserve to know me, or my family.
she doesnt deserve to be a part of us.
i really hate her.

but, i hate even more, that i pity her.

i need to get the motivation to go to the meetings with the admissions counselors, so, you know, i can actually get this ball rolling.

i also need someone i can trust, completely, to help me decide what parts are good enough to share with the world.
(haha. i sound insane)

my mom is graduating 'high school' in about the next month or so.
im so proud of her. its fantastic.
she is also in school currently to be a cna.
shes so inspirational.
since she got back on her feet, shes done everything she could for my family, and now that we're taking care of ourselves, shes taking care of herself.
following her dreams. and, shes so happy.
shes whats inspiring me to follow my dreams, and get the ball rolling with school, and the publishing, and everything.

im planning her a surprise graduation party, because she's too modest to celebrate it herself, and she deserves it.
if anyone deserves it, its her.

i want to make everyone smile.

unoriginal blog part sixteen.

2009-04-13T22:26:00.000-07:00

have you ever gotten an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy? because, i have that.
and, i seem to have that a lot.
but, i really have no reason to be feeling this way.
things are going well in life, for the most part.

i just wish i knew how to fix the things that are going poorly.
i wish i knew how to make him smile again. no one deserves to be treated how he has been treated these past few years.
and, for as much as hes done for everyone, for how well he raised me, and my sister, and now my brothers, he deserves to be loved. unconditionally.
and, i have never seen him so unhappy.
hes trying to hide it, but if anyone can read through a fake smile, a false attitude someone is wearing, its me.
ive been doing it all my life. i cannot be fooled.

the sickest part, was when she was around my family this weekend, and everyone was ignoring her, and being cold towards her, i felt bad. after everything shes done to me, and my family, i felt bad.
damn heart.
turn black already.

you would think after years of abuse, and watching her ruin the one man that has always been there for me (i mean sure, there were times when my dad and i didnt get along, or talk for periods of time, but i was a teenage girl, not the easiest thing for a father to deal with.) i wouldnt care, at all, what happens to her. and, i really wish i could.

i wish i knew how to pick him up, and put him back together. i wish i knew what to say to my brothers, so they know that they are perfect, and nothing that happens is their fault, and that we will all love them, unconditionally.

but, at the ages of six and eight, i don't know how well they would grasp what i was saying.

beyond that, im doing well.
im going to college next year, should i be able to afford it.
i dont know where, i just know that i want to.

watch out world.
here i come.

unoriginal blog part fifteen.

2009-04-02T19:45:00.000-07:00

people really need to realize that if they want me to hang out with them, they should meet up with me before i go home, because, once i'm home, i dont want to leave.

my birthday was enjoyable.
i spent the day hanging out with a great friend, and then dinner with even more friends, and a couple drinks.
it was a pretty relaxed, laid back thing. and exactly what i wanted.

i've decided to take a road trip.
we're going 'east'. thats the entire idea.
(thank god for my moms garmin)

there has been a lot of shit going on lately.
and i still dont know how to absorb it all. im doing the best i can.

also, i've been writing a lot more lately.
i love it.
i've been trying to be more open with it.
its not really working, but, its an attempt.

i wrote a poem for my roommates' wedding. they want me to read it at their wedding.
holy shit, i'm nervous.

im going to see RENT soon. i think this is the most excited i've been for something in entirely too long.

i want another job.
not like, i want to quit one of my other jobs.
and not because i need the money.
i just, want more variety in my life.

every day is exactly the same.
and, i know that after a few weeks, it would just become routine again.

i wish i were spontaneous.
i wish i knew how to really let loose, and just have fun.

i wish i was a twenty-two year old who knew how to act her age, and not her mothers age.

unoriginal blog part fourteen.

2009-03-25T14:53:00.000-07:00

tomorrow is my birthday.
i feel like a child.

today has been full of ups and downs, and i am currently not sure where i stand.
and, i dont know how to find out.

unoriginal blog part thirteen.

2009-03-24T07:40:00.000-07:00

i really do have the best friend in the entire world.
i was low yesterday.
i was so low.
i couldnt pick myself back up.
i hate that feeling, and so i tried something different this time
i talked about it.
explained what i was feeling, and some possible reasons i was feeling that way
got her input, and then just, hung out.
i feel a million times better today.
i slept almost completely through the night last night, for the first time in weeks.
and, i'm hungry. i am actually hungry.
she truly is amazing. i love her so much.

on a side note, i dont know what i have done lately, but i feel like my life is on repeat.
i feel like everything im doing, every thought im having, and every decision im making, i've made them all before.
and i dont remember the outcome being my favorite.

its like im getting a second chance, to do it better, to do it right.
but i dont remember how it all happened the first time, and i think that history is doomed to repeat itself.
and i really dont want that to happen.

also, for the past few days, i've actually felt attractive. and worthy. which, with how depressed i've been for the past few weeks, its strange.

unoriginal blog part twelve.

2009-03-20T20:09:00.001-07:00

more fantastic news. :)
other pregnant sister is having a healthy little girl.
she already has a two year old son.
so, i will have two nephews, and a niece. :)
can life get any better?

to be quite frank, i'm horrified of what happens next.
everything is going so great.
i'm waiting for it all to explode.

but, i'm not going to dwell on that, and im instead going to embrace the beauty that is currently my life. :)
really. things are amazing.
and, its almost my birthday.

im really excited to have the next few days off.
man oh man do i need it.
i've worked my ass off this past week or so.
doubles some days. long days the rest.

and tomorrow, my biggest concern is telling my family excellent news.

delilah is meowing like the spoiled bitch she is.
i luff her.

there is a little trouble in paradise though. my roommates are kinda mad at each other, and i wish i could fix it.
i don't know how though.
i know it will work itself out, but, yeah.
i hate to see them unhappy, especially at each other.

my back and feet hurt, from working so much.
and, thats my biggest complaint.

also, i met someone a while back, and just started talking to him within the past couple of weeks.
so far, he's pretty amazing.
:)

also, i wrote a poem for my roommates' wedding this coming august.
they want me to read it at the ceremony.

i really need to get over my two biggest fears:
talking to a group of people i dont know
reading my own work out loud, and people knowing that i wrote it.

i need to have looots of practice before august in reading this poem.
i better get started!

unoriginal blog part eleven.

2009-03-17T10:24:00.000-07:00

i cannot stop smiling.
i dont want to.
her baby is ok. hes going to be 'normal'.
she can rest easier. he can worry less.
and i get to welcome a healthy nephew into the world in a few months. :)

in other news, im still smiling.
life is going well.
work is good.
friends are good.
everything is good.

ive been writing a little again. im not writing constantly like before, but, i have inspiration.
i love letting the words just flow out of me. its so cleansing.

the only bad thing is, theres something i really need to say, and i cant figure out who i can say it to.
i need to figure this out. gah, i'm a fool.

beyond that, im happy.
and i love being able to say that.

unoriginal blog part ten.

2009-03-13T10:55:00.000-07:00

thank you.
thank you for dropping me from your life, it showed me the value of the people around me.
thank you for treating me as nothing, now when someone shows me they care, it will be amazing.
thank you for not picking up your phone to call me.
it was one of the best, most eye opening experiences i've encountered.

i woke up this morning, with words pouring from my mind. i couldnt find a pen fast enough.
then while i was in the shower, more words. more thoughts. i had to scramble for a pen, and write on the toilet paper.
such inspiration is something i have never felt before.

and i need to thank you for leaving my life, so i could experience the joy and happiness i feel now, by not thinking of you.
you barely cross my mind these days.
and its fantastic.

my illusion of what i hoped you were/would be will be replaced by someone/something real.

and thank you, for helping me forget you.

quick

2009-03-06T16:29:00.000-08:00

how pathetic is my life, that if im not griping about someone, or having an emotional breakdown, i feel there is nothing of value to write.

thats going to change.
not right now, because, i have to go to dinner.
but, when i get back, i will write about whatever tickles my fancy.

today

2009-03-04T19:53:00.000-08:00

today i erased you.
i erased your messages.
i erased your face.
i erased your memories.

today i feel accomplished.

today i feel like i am ready for the rest of my life.
and today, i realized i want it to be without you.

unoriginal blog part nine.

2009-03-04T08:17:00.000-08:00

i woke up this morning with a feeling of refreshment.

i spent the entire night dreaming of love, and affection.
and i realized none of the dreams included him.
i also realized i haven't almost called or emailed in weeks.

it hurts, a lot, but i believe i am getting past you.
i dont know why i address all of my blogs to you, when you don't even know they exist.

on the other side of the coin, who else would i address them to? who else would i pine over this long.
its sick. really. i feel i must be sick.
i haven't seen you since the summer of 2006.
its spring (almost) of 2009.
i havent spoken to you in two months.
and here i am, while you are off living your life, forgetting i exist.

at this point, i don't even ever want to be with you again.
who wants to be with someone that just throws them aside?
i guess i just want to hate you.
i want to really hate you. i want to not long for you.
i want to not wish you would call, just to talk.

there are better people in this world for me.
i know that.
i need to know that you know that, too.

unoriginal blog part eight.

2009-03-02T06:31:00.000-08:00

this will be completely contradictory from my last blog, but, life does that to you sometimes, doesnt it?

i feel invisble. like i am floating through life, and everything in it.
i feel like i am here for no purpose, and with no motives.
and its sad to say, i feel when i leave, it will make no difference.
im not saying to absolutely everyone, i know my family, and close friends will be hurt, for a period of time. but, even they will get past it, and i will return to being the unknown. the invisible.

my older sister stayed overnight in the hospital about a week or two ago. i found out three days after she got out, by seeing it on her facebook.

really? thats what this has come to. i live 45 minutes away, you have my phone number, and you don't have the decency to let me know my own sister is in the hospital? wow. thanks.

i have lost all inspiration in my writing. i have become numb again.
and i cried over him again yesterday. i hadn't cried in over a week, and yesterday, i broke down, for the third day in a row.
im such a pathetic mess.

im going to a couple concerts, and RENT in april.
its also my birthday in a couple weeks.

i have no enthusiasm at this moment, and i dont know why.

i know i am tired of being around couples, and people in love. i cant stand it right now.
people kissing, and smiling, and holding each other.
really? i dont want to see that. and i think that makes me a bitter hag.

unoriginal blog part seven.

2009-02-17T12:40:00.000-08:00

it truly is amazing to see the lives that you touch, just by doing your daily rituals.
i went to the funeral this morning of a truly amazing man.
he was so humble, and warm hearted, and to hear the stories of how he touched each individual in a different way was astounding.
throughout my life he has been many things to me.
a boss. a protector. a friend. a friendly face when id lost all hope in the world.
and to others he was a father. a husband. a son. a brother.

it shows me that by you waking up in the morning, you are impacting someones life, and that person will never forget you, for the one thing you did for them.
and that is what makes life truly worth living, isnt it?
if you arent living to better your life, and the lives of others around you, what do you have?

also, my sister just told me she is having a son. how perfect. :)

unoriginal blog part six.

2009-02-12T15:48:00.000-08:00

i wish that i could look at you, and have the guts to say
'you dont care about me like i care about you. you dont even care enough to see if im alright, or alive. you dont matter to me. you are nothing to me, as i am to you'
fuck being in love with someone who doesnt care that im alive.

i am tired of crying. really. im done with it.
there is no one that can say anything bad about you, until this incident.
and, really, i need more than that.
i need to find a reason to hate you, beyond your inner turmoil.

you and this is all that invades my mind.
thats not healthy.
im not healthy.
i need to forget your name.

and more than that, i need to forget being in love.
and never do it again.

delilah is all i need.
i am all i need.

unoriginal blog part five.

2009-02-10T21:40:00.000-08:00

its been almost a month, and its not getting any easier.
i cant listen to a song, or see someone without thinking about you.
this isnt healthy, and i cant seem to stop it.
crying every night isnt something im proud of
but it is also nothing i know how to stop.

i meet new people everyday, and maybe if i gave them the chance, they could be everything i wish you were, but i can't get over you, to give someone else the chance.

i dont want anyone else to be able to break me like you did.
i dont want to cry over anyone else.
i dont want to dream of their face, or their eyes, or their smile.
you make me melt, and i dont want to say that about anyone else.

every love song, or movie, or, anything really, just depresses me further.
i am jealous of the people that love someone, and that get loved back.

i wish i could say i am not going to write about you anymore, but i know that is untrue.

i wish i knew what you were thinking.

anyway, i got a cat.
her name is delilah.

i can't even think about anything else right now.
maybe another time.
maybe another life.

lost.

2009-02-07T07:45:00.001-08:00

why wont you talk to me?

why cant i get over you not talking to me.

unoriginal blog part four.

2009-02-06T07:23:00.000-08:00

its turning out more that every other blog is going along with the sequence of titles.
and the other ones are me just trying to get my thoughts out fast enough.

which rarely works.

yesterday, was not a good day, but after i got home from work i did a lot of thinking. a lot of me time, and a lot of crying.

it was a horribly marvelous day.

some people know this, some people dont, but i am looking into getting my poetry published.
i am going to spend sunday and monday critiquing my years worth of work, and find the ones i like the most. i will probably judge this mainly by the emotions they bring back in me, and the writing style.

i will put it together, in book form, along with some pictures i have taken, that inspire awe in me.

once i am finished with this, i will have the rough start to a book. from there i need to figure out how to go about getting a copyright, and getting published.

i am slightly overprotective of my poetry, so i will be using a pen name.

next step, think of a title.
i'm not going to lie, it will probably be woman vs world, which is actually taken from a line of a poem i wrote about two years ago.

i really dont know why i write this on the internet, and not just in a notebook, its for myslelf.
maybe part of me is hoping that something i write will help someone, let them know they arent alone.
maybe i just want someone to read it, and understand me. let me know im not alone.

i felt completely alone last night, and i was talking to my best friend about how hard it was for me not having everyone i care abouts support on my upcoming move, and she asked me why i cared, pointing out to me that it was completely uncharacteristic of me, and she was right. and i know she is. but i'm not looking for their validation, whether they want me to go or not, i'm going.
i am looking for someone to tell me they know i can do it.
someone to look me in the eyes and tell me how proud they are.
someone to be my crutch when i do need it, because no one can go through life completely alone.

after i told her this she told me how proud of me she was. and how she knows i will have no problem making, and keeping friends when i move, and how she knows i am strong enough to make it, and she knows i will not be moving back.
she told me how hard it was for her to say that, and that was why she doesnt say it.
just hearing her say it, i knew she meant it, and i knew why i loved her.
and i cried. oh man did i cry.

i think we all just need to hear it sometimes.
hear that someone has faith in us.
hear that someone would bet on us, because they believe in us.
hear that someone is proud of you.

im going to end this with a poem i wrote a few days ago.
enjoy.

urges do subside
or at least we try to hide
but there is nothing to take away
the pain we feel inside
crying only lasts so long
and only helps so much
they leave you worse than before
make me wonder what i met you for
you have yet to change my life
and you werent just for the pain
and some day it will go away
the urges will subside
and i'll stop trying to hide
and i will find something to take away
the pain i feel inside.

like it matters either way.

2009-02-05T10:50:00.000-08:00

what the hell am i doing wrong now.
my best friend is mad at me
the man i want to be with refuses to speak to me
i cant keep crying everynight about this, but it seems i have no other option.
he doesnt talk to me. he wont acknowledge the fact that im alive.
i am moving to the same state as him, the city he works in, and i will probably never see him, or speak to him again.
as long as i live. and it wouldnt hurt so bad, had he not talked to me, and showed me that he still cared the day before he said goodbye.
i am moving. i cant stop crying about that either.
i am a hormonal ball of crap, and i hate it.
i want to smile, and mean it with everything i have, like i did when he said he wanted to see me.
i want to smile and be completely happy, but i cant figure out how to do that.
not when the two most important friends i have cant stand the sight of me, at the same time.
no one reads my blogs, so i could probably even make this one public.
i don't matter to anyone anymore, or at least thats how you all make me feel

i will pretend to miss some of you, and pretend not to miss others when i am gone, i will be a big fake
and none of you will know
because ive been doing it for years

unoriginal blog part three.

2009-01-28T07:26:00.000-08:00

Two of the roommates are gone, and the living situation has become better, I believe for all 5 of us.

We are rewriting our lease in the next few days, and adding cats to it. :)

Some days I forget the biggest things in my life exist, and I fear that that makes me a horrible person.

I also believe I am the only 21 year old who would rather sit at home and write, then get drunk and/or have sex. It doesnt bother me, but at the same time it does.

I just don't know what the hell is going on in my own mind anymore.

"i will look at the floor and wonder what i came here for.
or i will stand tall, knowing that you're looking for me.
and we're looking for the door."

unoriginal blog part two.

2009-01-16T09:34:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had one of those days where you could not get out of bed in the fear that you knew what was coming, and it wasn't going to be good?

Yeah, me too.

I need to find myself a better living situation. Something with less people, or at least where the people will get along better.
I am tired of living in my bedroom, so I dont have to see someone.
That is not why I pay rent. That is not what an adult should do in her own house.

The move is getting closer and closer.
Soon, it will consume my mind.

I have already found some prospective places.
:)

I am going to have to start looking at the beauty in the ugly.

2009-01-04T20:51:00.000-08:00

im ready to start my life

and id like to do it with you.

unoriginal blog part one.

2008-12-31T11:54:00.000-08:00

I have recently decided that things are exactly as they seem.
When you look around, and you see someone smiling, or laughing, they are happy.
You can attempt to hide your feelings, and you can pretend you are stronger than you are, but at the end of the day, you still feel that way.
Your eyes give you away.
At Christmas, I told my family that I was moving away in September of this coming year.
The look on their faces wasn't what I was expecting.
I was expecting some sadness, maybe a little bit of empathy.
No. I got anger. The fact that I was able to move on, beyond them. They didn't think I had it in me, and few of them have the faith in me to make it.

The saddest part of telling people, has been when I told my Great Grandmother.
The look on her face was as though she thought that would be the last time I ever saw her.
Thinking of that look on her face now brings tears to my eyes.

I will miss all holidays next year.
I will not return until Thanksgiving of 2010.
It will be hard, and hopefully life changing.

But isnt everything that way?
Especially, in the life of a phoenix.