Its been a very long time since I've posted anything, mainly because its been a very long time since I wrote anything.
I hate that I feel I have nothing to write about, and that I feel that when I do write its no good.
I've written two poems in the last year, and I'm currently in the process of a third. A few years ago, I would do that much in a day.

Have I lost inspiration?
Have I lost motivation?
Have I lost myself?

I don't think those questions are as easy to answer as I would hope, but I can honestly say I don't believe I've lost myself.
I feel like this depression thing has just been really taking over these past few months, and I hate using that as an excuse, but its really not. Its whats happened. Its whats happening. I'm trying to shake myself out of it, and I've had some wonderful help along the road.


Here is a poem I wrote last May when my 14 year old cousin died:

lost in the stream
they can’t hear your screams
you feel like you're drowning
you just want to be free
a heart full of love
a mind that won't stop
it seems like there is no inbetween
your big eyes held your soul
yet life took its toll
we see now you were never alone
one day can change lives
when you bottle your strife
the cruel world will mask your pride
we will love you forever
and always remember
the girl with her soul in her eyes

Later that same month, I took an interim in Scotland, where I wrote this:

No maps can show
the roads we'll take
only our hearts know the way
the trails are endless
not all will lead home
the beaten path
may even leave you alone

all ways will prove treacherous
some coiled and cold
others may meet
at a fork in the road

dispose of your compass
put away any maps
those can only lead you blindly
into the heart of the traps


And a little message to the 'you' that so many of these posts (not the poems per se) refer to,
thank you.

Thank you for always believing in me, even when I don't.
Thanks for always fighting for me, even when I can't.
Thanks for always loving me, even when I don't understand how you do.
Thank you for always being next to me, and supporting me.
Thank you for helping me train the best two dogs I've ever met.

Thank you for existing. I love you.

She dropped her coat at the door
Stripped her fears and worries
Left it all on the floor

Paced herself for this new place
But without any intentions
She picked up her pace

Every room was different
Some dirty, and falling apart
She just continued on her way
Following only her heart

Several stops, and some window shopping
Exhausted her body and her soul
But she was on a mission
And she was going to find what she was looking for

Lost in this building
Beginning to lose faith
Until she reached a new entrance
Staring back at her, she saw a face

Familiar, but new
With the same look of surprise
She'd found something life altering
And as filled with promise as the sunrise

They collected their jackets
Hand in hand they turned to leave
And were greeted on the other side
With a promising summer breeze

I am probably one of the happier people in the world, and that wasn't a solo effort.
Every single person I have ever met has undoubtedly helped with that, in one messed up way or another.
(Obviously, some much more than others; namely, you.)


PUPPY FEVER.

I also have about 1/4 of my things moved (hopefully it's at least that much), and we're already out of space in this room, I'm going to have to go through everything, and store things, and donate things. That should be a cleansing experience.

Oh, and Kindles fucking rock. I haven't even had it for that long, but it is probably my favorite gift ever.

In health news, the heart is back on the radar, and I think even she is understanding the gravity of the situation this time, thank gravy.
And today is cancer test day for him, this is some terrifying stuff, and sadly I think the reason I am handling it all so well is because I'm ignoring it. (Or denying it, I think that's a better way to say it.)

Waking up with you every morning really is better than I could have dreamed, and you really are incredible.
The way every worry, and short-coming just melts away when I'm with you; the feel of your arm wrapped around me as we sleep, all of the incredibly lame things you do with me, and that smile.
Man, I'm in trouble. (Or just madly in love with you.)

I haven't written in a really long time, not to say I haven't tried, I just am too critical, and give up too early on them. Honestly, I think I'm okay with it, because I would rather it flow freely, than be forced.

In addition to no more red meat, I think I should stop/cut back on soda again. Working somewhere with soda staring me in the face all day has gotten me to start drinking it again. Although its generally one or less a day, sometimes its more. Water, tea, or Gatorade are just as readily available, so I'm going to go those routes.

For as much ambition, and hope as I have, I am extremely lazy.
Most things I've said I wanted to do in the past few years haven't really happened. I'm getting pretty disappointed in myself, and it sucks.

I also have to give away my cat, and although she's only going to my cousins, and I barely see her now, it isn't my favorite thing I've ever done.
I also need to go through all my stuff soon, and get rid of all the junk.
But the upside to all of that is where I'm going, and that makes it worth it.

I really want to travel. I really want to see somewhere else. I would love to be able to take a vacation some time, just get away from everything. I have no idea what I'd do, or where I'd go, I just know that I want to go. Granted I am going to MN for a weekend soon, that isn't really what I'm looking for.

I have also realized that as much as I love my female friends, I know why I gravitate towards male friends. I fully acknowledge that I am a female, and I assume I also have done all the things that make me think this, but it generally comes out more when I'm around other females doing the same thing. (AKA, Sorry men.)

I've also been avoiding part of my family. One of them emailed me yesterday asking which of several dates worked for me for the next family gathering, giving me two months notice, meaning I have no real way of getting out of it. Part of me wants us to go, and just see if me not being around for a year has made any impact, or if they are the exact same, (which would only allow me to be more certain of my decision to keep my time around them to a minimum.)

Meanwhile, there is another part of my family that I really need to go see, but I am afraid to. The feedback I hear from my Mom about her condition makes me think she won't even know who I am; but when my sister and mom went to go see her a couple weeks ago, they said she was okay, but getting worse.
(I am also a little bitter that they didn't include me.)
Neither of them wanted to go alone, so they brought each other as backup, and now I will probably have to go alone, if I stop scaring myself and just go.

Generally writing a post makes me feel better at the end, like I was finally able to get all that off my chest; but right now I just feel like crap.

Sometimes your heart makes you do things you don't think you're capable of, or even things you don't think are right.
But that doesn't stop your heart.
It doesn't care.
Its your heart.
It will do what it damn well pleases.

Don't be the fool to stand in its way.

My heart has turned me into a fool entirely too many times.
It has made me do some foolish things, it has made me overreact, and it has made me walk away.

Sometimes my heart is just screaming at me (in a good way) and I can hear it so loud, that every other sound is faint, at best.
It always surprises me that no one else can hear it at these times.

Its the look in your eyes when you look at me. The touch of your hand on my skin. The smell of your hair in the morning. Each of those things make my heart race, and jump, and kick, and scream; letting me know its there, and its pleased.
I can't help but fall in love with you a little more every time I see you.

No matter the obstacle I face, or the weight on my shoulders, or the sadness I am feeling, you turn that all around. You are there holding me while I cry, making me smile again, and showing me that it will all be okay.

I've been crocheting more again, and I really hope it turns out.
I've also had the chance to cook a little more, and I've really enjoyed it.

I know I spend probably too much time with you, and I know it has to get annoying me asking you every day, and I really do like having time to myself, or with my other friends, and I know you feel the same, and I can explain why I do it:
Its easier for me to sleep with you, and I prefer to.
If I knew I got to sleep next to you after each day, regardless of who I was hanging out with that night, I'd, obviously, not ask anymore.
I guess what I'm getting at is, there is something I want you to consider, and its a long way off, but I'm going to plant the idea now anyway.
When you all are moving out of that house, be it in a year, or two, or however long you guys all want to stay there, I want you to consider me for your next roommate.

I'm glad you're the only one that reads this. I probably just look like a freak.

I'm also very much looking forward to starting my new job.
Although, I am extremely nervous. I have to meet all new coworkers, and bosses, and I'm not so good with people. I wish it was easier for me to talk to people, and get to know them.

I think I have an idea of at least a poem or two that I may actually feel confident enough to submit to the contest, but I am still unsure.
And every passing day when I don't do it, is a day closer to never doing it.
I hate that I have such big dreams, and hopes, but not enough self confidence to do anything about it.
That's a thing I need to work on, I just don't know how.

Maybe I shouldn't have told you.
But wouldn't hiding it have been as bad as lying?
You didn't look at me the same after.
When I see you again, I hope that's different.

I'm going to say a few things that I want.
You'll probably never bring them up to me, but at least you'll know.
One day I want a house, with at least one dog, and you.
I want for you to one day consider again what you asked me in the beginning.
To stay with you, for it to be you and me against the world.
You're the only person I ever want to wake up next to.

Someday, I may ask you to stay with me, and I want you to consider saying yes.
(Stay is the term I am deciding to use today, as opposed to the real word, because I think I've scared you enough for one day.)

I am glad we were able to talk today about what we both would have expected had today turned out differently.

But, since this is the holiday season, you should know I am thankful for you.
Because even though you looked at me different, your eyes didn't change.
And when you kissed me, that hadn't changed.
I understand I scared you, and that will take a bit to process, but I believe we're going to be just fine.
I believe there is nothing standing in our way of staying happy, for the long run.

I want to cook more.
And read more.
And crochet more.

So I think I will.

Why do things that don't actually matter matter?
Why can't I just leave it how it is, and not question it.
There is not a single thing I would change about it, but I still want to ask why its how it is, why I'm where I am, and what it all means to the other party involved.
But, for fear of these questions tainting what I do have, I'll just ignore it, and stay focused on how great it all is.
No use in bringing up something that may change everything for the worse, right?

But what if it didn't? What if it made it better because then it would just be known?
How bold am I feeling?
(Apparently not very.)


You say the most amazing things to me.
The brush of your hand against my back will always make me melt.
I am retardedly in love with you, and I don't care to hide it.

I am your biggest fan.

(I hope you're always by my side.)

Yesterday you asked me how I ever lived without you, and although I know you meant it in a joking context because of the rest of the conversation, the truest answer is this:
I didn't know what I was living without. Had I ever gotten a glimpse of this level of happiness a person can bring to my life, and this amount of love I can feel, and this amount of security, and understanding, life until you would have been much more difficult.


Aside from all that, it's "The Holidays".
Gross.
I like food, don't get me wrong, so Thanksgiving isn't the worst, but I still don't really like it.
And I just dislike Christmas. Hands down, not for me.
It'll all be over soon enough.
And then it will be next year, and then I'll start school.

I want more tattoos.