unoriginal blog part seven.

it truly is amazing to see the lives that you touch, just by doing your daily rituals.
i went to the funeral this morning of a truly amazing man.
he was so humble, and warm hearted, and to hear the stories of how he touched each individual in a different way was astounding.
throughout my life he has been many things to me.
a boss. a protector. a friend. a friendly face when id lost all hope in the world.
and to others he was a father. a husband. a son. a brother.


it shows me that by you waking up in the morning, you are impacting someones life, and that person will never forget you, for the one thing you did for them.
and that is what makes life truly worth living, isnt it?
if you arent living to better your life, and the lives of others around you, what do you have?


also, my sister just told me she is having a son. how perfect. :)

unoriginal blog part six.

i wish that i could look at you, and have the guts to say
'you dont care about me like i care about you. you dont even care enough to see if im alright, or alive. you dont matter to me. you are nothing to me, as i am to you'
fuck being in love with someone who doesnt care that im alive.

i am tired of crying. really. im done with it.
there is no one that can say anything bad about you, until this incident.
and, really, i need more than that.
i need to find a reason to hate you, beyond your inner turmoil.

you and this is all that invades my mind.
thats not healthy.
im not healthy.
i need to forget your name.

and more than that, i need to forget being in love.
and never do it again.

delilah is all i need.
i am all i need.

unoriginal blog part five.

its been almost a month, and its not getting any easier.
i cant listen to a song, or see someone without thinking about you.
this isnt healthy, and i cant seem to stop it.
crying every night isnt something im proud of
but it is also nothing i know how to stop.

i meet new people everyday, and maybe if i gave them the chance, they could be everything i wish you were, but i can't get over you, to give someone else the chance.

i dont want anyone else to be able to break me like you did.
i dont want to cry over anyone else.
i dont want to dream of their face, or their eyes, or their smile.
you make me melt, and i dont want to say that about anyone else.

every love song, or movie, or, anything really, just depresses me further.
i am jealous of the people that love someone, and that get loved back.

i wish i could say i am not going to write about you anymore, but i know that is untrue.

i wish i knew what you were thinking.

anyway, i got a cat.
her name is delilah.

i can't even think about anything else right now.
maybe another time.
maybe another life.

lost.

why wont you talk to me?


why cant i get over you not talking to me.

unoriginal blog part four.

its turning out more that every other blog is going along with the sequence of titles.
and the other ones are me just trying to get my thoughts out fast enough.

which rarely works.

yesterday, was not a good day, but after i got home from work i did a lot of thinking. a lot of me time, and a lot of crying.

it was a horribly marvelous day.

some people know this, some people dont, but i am looking into getting my poetry published.
i am going to spend sunday and monday critiquing my years worth of work, and find the ones i like the most. i will probably judge this mainly by the emotions they bring back in me, and the writing style.

i will put it together, in book form, along with some pictures i have taken, that inspire awe in me.

once i am finished with this, i will have the rough start to a book. from there i need to figure out how to go about getting a copyright, and getting published.

i am slightly overprotective of my poetry, so i will be using a pen name.

next step, think of a title.
i'm not going to lie, it will probably be woman vs world, which is actually taken from a line of a poem i wrote about two years ago.

i really dont know why i write this on the internet, and not just in a notebook, its for myslelf.
maybe part of me is hoping that something i write will help someone, let them know they arent alone.
maybe i just want someone to read it, and understand me. let me know im not alone.

i felt completely alone last night, and i was talking to my best friend about how hard it was for me not having everyone i care abouts support on my upcoming move, and she asked me why i cared, pointing out to me that it was completely uncharacteristic of me, and she was right. and i know she is. but i'm not looking for their validation, whether they want me to go or not, i'm going.
i am looking for someone to tell me they know i can do it.
someone to look me in the eyes and tell me how proud they are.
someone to be my crutch when i do need it, because no one can go through life completely alone.

after i told her this she told me how proud of me she was. and how she knows i will have no problem making, and keeping friends when i move, and how she knows i am strong enough to make it, and she knows i will not be moving back.
she told me how hard it was for her to say that, and that was why she doesnt say it.
just hearing her say it, i knew she meant it, and i knew why i loved her.
and i cried. oh man did i cry.

i think we all just need to hear it sometimes.
hear that someone has faith in us.
hear that someone would bet on us, because they believe in us.
hear that someone is proud of you.

im going to end this with a poem i wrote a few days ago.
enjoy.

urges do subside
or at least we try to hide
but there is nothing to take away
the pain we feel inside
crying only lasts so long
and only helps so much
they leave you worse than before
make me wonder what i met you for
you have yet to change my life
and you werent just for the pain
and some day it will go away
the urges will subside
and i'll stop trying to hide
and i will find something to take away
the pain i feel inside.

like it matters either way.

what the hell am i doing wrong now.
my best friend is mad at me
the man i want to be with refuses to speak to me
i cant keep crying everynight about this, but it seems i have no other option.
he doesnt talk to me. he wont acknowledge the fact that im alive.
i am moving to the same state as him, the city he works in, and i will probably never see him, or speak to him again.
as long as i live. and it wouldnt hurt so bad, had he not talked to me, and showed me that he still cared the day before he said goodbye.
i am moving. i cant stop crying about that either.
i am a hormonal ball of crap, and i hate it.
i want to smile, and mean it with everything i have, like i did when he said he wanted to see me.
i want to smile and be completely happy, but i cant figure out how to do that.
not when the two most important friends i have cant stand the sight of me, at the same time.
no one reads my blogs, so i could probably even make this one public.
i don't matter to anyone anymore, or at least thats how you all make me feel

i will pretend to miss some of you, and pretend not to miss others when i am gone, i will be a big fake
and none of you will know
because ive been doing it for years